race - Worth my Wait

March 1, 2020

“Mikey” our unexpected MIRACLE

It has definitely been a while since my last post. TRUST me when I tell you that I have been waiting and waiting for the day that I could come on and SHARE our AMAZING news. But of course, the teacher in me wants to tell the story from the beginning…So… here it goes!

It was a Thursday afternoon in June 2019. I was sitting in my first grade classroom with my first grade team and the Kindergarten team. We were making plans for the 2020-2021 school year as the current year was coming to an end (waaaaaay later then everyone else I might add). My phone buzzed and when I looked down, I saw I was receiving a facebook message from Riley’s birth mom. I had sent her a picture from his second birthday a week or two before and figured she was replying to that message. As soon as I read her message, “What was the name of the adoption agency we used for Riley?”, I got butterflies in my stomach……I did not even need to ask the next question because I already knew the answer… but I wrote back anyway, “Why, are you pregnant?” She answered quickly that she was seven weeks pregnant and had decided not to keep the baby. She told me her and the birth father (the same biological father as Riley) would love nothing more then for me to adopt this baby as well. I suppose I felt much like a woman feels when she finds out she is pregnant and it was totally unplanned.

People had asked me many times if I thought Riley’s birth mom would ever get pregnant again and I honestly did not think so. I had given away most all of Riley’s newborn things, and thanked the universe daily for making my dream of becoming a mom come true. Riley is everything I ever dreamed of and so much more. He has brought more joy into my heart and soul and to our family then I could ever express in words. The funny thing is that after he turned a year old, I had started to feel a little sad that Riley did not have a sibling to grow up with. My twin brother, Dan, is my best friend and I can’t imagine life without him. I had recently been thinking about maybe looking into fostering to adopt. But there was a lot to consider when making that decision…. as a single mom, I needed to make sure that I had the finances to support two children. I also know that the foster to adopt journey can be very emotional and that children may come and go from our house. I had to consider how this would affect my sweet Riley. I also knew that it would be a lot for my family. I have been so blessed to have the unending support of my brother (who lives with us) and my mom and dad (who take care of Riley every day when I am at work). I could never ask or expect them to do the same for two children. Needless to say, I had not made any decisions as of that afternoon in June.

I read it again, “Yes, I am 7 weeks pregnant and due January 4″. You are our first choice to be the mother”. IN flowed the emotions… excitement, fear, surprise, worry, happiness, joy, nervousness…. I could go on and on… and I am not one to hide my emotions so everyone in the room quickly heard the news. Although I was flooded with feelings and emotion–I was positive in that moment the little angel growing inside her belly was meant to be with us. My subconscious (and my heart) took over as my fingers frantically typed YES YES YES! I was going to be a mom of two and RILEY WAS GOING TO BE A BIG BROTHER!!!!

This was much different then two years ago when I got the news about Riley. I did not get the call until May 9 and he was born on May 26, 2016. I had only a few weeks to prepare and everything happened very fast. She was only 7 weeks pregnant at this point…. and January felt so far away. So much could happen between now and then and I knew it was going to be an emotional journey. Even though I did not know what the future would bring, there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to be that baby’s momma and I would do whatever it took to keep these two siblings together.

I wanted to be able to tell my family in person, so I waited until I got home that day to share the news. They were all a little (OK COMPLETELY) shocked and unsure how to react at first. All of their feelings stemmed from their love of both Riley and I. They wanted to make sure that I was not taking on more then I could handle, physically, emotionally, or financially. I also wanted them to know that I would never expect them to support 2 children and I the way they had for the last 2 and a half years. They have truly given their lives to us for which I am forever thankful. I know they were nervous, scared, and anxious, but they told me they would always be here to support me.

Since she was only 7 weeks pregnant, I was nervous to share the news with too many people. I wanted to wait until she was at least through her first trimester. Once again, I felt like a pregnant women must feel when she learns the exciting news and then has to wait to make sure everything is ok to share. It sounds silly, but I really felt like I was getting the true feeling mentally and emotionally of motherhood this time around. I must also say here, that although I will never be able to fully understand how it feels physically (or emotionally or mentally for that matter) to carry a baby for nine months, but I am forever thankful to the birth mom (and all birth moms) for their strength. Week 12 arrived and I could not keep the news to myself any longer. I would of course not post anything on social media until after the birth (or very close to it as it turned out), but I began to share with my circle of friends and family. Although the overwhelming response was happiness and excitement, I would be lying if I said that I did not receive any skepticism or questions. Most of this skepticism was around being a single mom of 2 children both under the age of 3. Some of the most common concerns and questions I heard were: “How will you afford 2?”, “Do you know how much work it is to have 2 children on your own?” “How will you afford day care?” I listened to each question and responded each time in a similar way… “I can’t tell you exactly how I will make it all work, but I can tell you I will”. There was never one doubt in my mind that this baby was coming home to live with us, and I was ready to do whatever I had to for my family.

The blessing of having so much time until the birth was being able to make plans. From the most basic plans of traveling to North Carolina (which is a lot of logistics by itself), to the more complex financial and career plans. Like I said earlier, the last two and a half years have been amazing–and I can’t imagine how I would have done it without my parents and my brother. However, I would never expect my parents to watch two children full time. I was also very sensitive to the fact that my brother is a morning news director and gets up every morning at 1:30 a.m. He has lost MANY hours of sleep over the last 2.5 years (and never complained once) and given ENDLESS support to both Riley and I. I told him right away that I understood if he felt like two little humans was too much and didn’t want to live together anymore. And so my research began… I priced different preschools for Riley, possible day care for new baby, a part-time nanny, or even a live in au pair (if my brother moved out). I calculated my current monthly expenses and then added on what I thought the extra expenses would be with the new little one. With my teaching salary, my Rodan + Fields business, and my new business in the financial industry (another stay at home business–more on that later), I was confident I could afford it on my own. We would live simply, but both of my children would live in a warm house, with warm clothes, food on the table, and more love then I could ever measure for the rest of their lives.

One of the things that I asked of the birth mom was to find out the gender of the baby. I had a lot of things left from when Riley was a baby and since I had so much time to prepare, I loved the idea of being able to get everything all set! It may sound silly, but since I could not carry the baby myself and was all the way across the country, it also made me feel a little more connected if I knew the gender. Birth mom said she was completely ok with that and gave me the date of her first ultrasound. I marked it in my calendar and counted down the days! She had a 9:00 am appointment on September 4….Since she is in North Carolina, this meant it would be 6:00 am in California. I waited and waited and waited for my phone to go off. Before I knew it, it was lunchtime at school and still no word. I finally heard from her later that day (she had forgotten her phone at home) and told me that they were not able to see the gender and she had to go back in a month. EEEEK! So I marked my calendar again and waited. To be totally honest, something inside of me really thought it was going to be a girl (as did many of my friends and family). There was another part of me that wondered if the next ultrasound would even be able to show the gender. 30 days felt like 100 and I continued to remain in a place of gratitude and thanks. That October morning came and I of course started checking my phone right at 6 am. I even texted birth mom at 5:30 am “Happy Gender Reveal Day!!! Can’t wait to hear”! I was on Fall Break and at a library with Riley and my parents for story time when I felt my phone buzz. “They were able to see the gender–are you ready LOL”…. I frantically typed back–“YES YES YES!!!” She replied, “You are officially a boy mom”! My heart exploded and I looked up at my parents and whispered “It’s a boy”! Riley was going to be a big brother AND to a baby boy!!! My brother was at work and was the next person I messaged. I will never forget his reply—I could feel his excitement coming through even on text (as silly as that sounds) and he even admitted feeling a little choked up. Although I had always envisioned having at least one daughter (and who knows what the future holds) I was over the moon with the blessing of raising two little boys.

I had already began to make a list of names even before I knew the gender. But honestly, I really only had one boy name that I was positive about. It was very important to me that Riley have my dad’s name, Patrick, as his middle name. My dad is an amazing man and it is important to me his name live on in Riley. Another very amazing man in our lives was my grandfather Joseph, or as we called him Papa Joe. He passed away almost 2 years ago and left us all a little bit of an inheritance. My parents handed me the check a few days after I found out about the second baby and I knew in that moment that my grandfather was supporting me through this process. “Joseph” is also my brother Dan’s middle name and it just seemed like a perfect fit. I have always loved the name “Mikey”. And so I had it, Michael Joseph Twomey, and we would call him Mikey He was my miracle… My MIKEY MIRACLE!

There is lots more to this story and the author in me wants to give each part of the story its own chapter…BUT I would never leave my readers hanging! So I am going to fast forward a bit. Riley, Dan, and I traveled to North Carolina on January 2 to await the birth of our little man. Mikey was born on January 15, 2020 at 5:45 p.m. in North Carolina–11 days late (another post altogether)! He was 21.5 inches and 8 lbs 4 ounces. I was able to be in the room for the delivery and cut the cord. Mikey and I were given our own room and were skin to skin within minutes. It truly was love at first sight and I cried tears of joy the moment I held him in my arms. Riley and Uncle Dan were there with us a few hours later. One of the most amazing moments happened when they arrived. Mikey had been asleep on me for almost 2 hours and had not opened his eyes much at all before they got there. The minute Riley walked over to the bassinet and talked, Mikey’s eyes opened up wide. They stared at each other in a way that I can’t express in words. Both Dan and I could see they knew they were brothers. Their connection was instant and magical.

We lived in North Carolina for a week after his birth and then we all traveled home to meet Gaga and Papa. Again, more details to follow in later posts. We are home and adjusting to our new life together. Riley is an AMAZING big brother and my parents and brother have been simply INCREDIBLE once again. I am going to take the rest of the school year off to be home with my two boys and am overcome with feelings of gratitude and thanks. I would like to end for now, by sharing a few pictures–but I assure you there are many more on the way along with more details about our journey together! DREAMS DO COME TRUE!!!!

October 11, 2019

My boy is growing

Yes, you probably guessed it! I am on Fall Break. I was looking back at the last post and it was on summer break. Once I get into my full time teacher mode, most of the writing I do is lesson plans, curriculum and professional development… although I did just start my very own newsletter and feel very excited about that. I have also taken up meditation and daily journaling. Needless to say, I love to write and wanted to share some updates on Riley and momma’s journey through life.

We are definitely 2!!!! I often hear a lot of negative connotations associated with this age- “the terrible 2’s” being the most frequent. I would be lying if I told you that some new challenging behaviors have not arisen–or moments when I needed to count to ten (or twenty or sometimes even higher)!!! But I am truly loving every minute of this stage of his life and continue to be in awe of how much his little brain is developing.

The “teacher” in me is always observing, watching, and trying to learn more. I did not let him watch any television until he was two years old. We spent our time playing, reading, and singing. I can say that “Eat, Play, Sing (and Read) does change everything! He is very verbal and already communicating in 3-4 word sentences. He knows all the superheroes, Toy Story, Sesame Street, Paw Patrol, and PJ Masks (a new one for me) characters without ever having watched any of them on TV. It has been so incredible to watch him go from looking at the pictures in the book, to pointing to the pictures, to naming the characters as he points, and now he is pretending to be the characters himself. I can sit and just watch him for hours (although let’s be honest-his attention span is about 5-6 minutes if I am lucky on any one activity). There are songs that we have been singing to him every day since he was a baby–and now he will sing a long or lay in his crib and sing to himself when he wakes up. There is NOTHING BETTER then driving in the car and hearing “Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star….” being sung in the back seat… or being serenaded during bath time with “Head Shoulders, Knees and Toes”. My mom has even taught him her old Balboa High school cheer and he LOVES to tease Guncle with it whenever possible. I could go on and on with example after example of the ways this little man brings a smile to my face every day and fills my heart with joy.

I have been very honest from the beginning that Riley has quite a temperament and that is still true. It is genetic and not something that will change. As he has moved into this “toddler” phase of life–his temperament has also began to show itself in different ways. When he is happy he IS BLISSFULLY happy and can laugh and be silly and emulate joy. When he is angry–that pendulum swings the opposite direction and he can do a complete 360 in an instant. The mom and teacher in me wanted to really find the best way to support him through all of this. I spent my entire summer studying the brain and in particular the brain of a child. I highly recommend the book “No Drama Discipline” https://www.amazon.com/No-Drama-Discipline-Whole-Brain-Nurture-Developing/dp/034554806X or the “The Whole Brain Child”, both written by Daniel Siegel. I have learned so much about why behaviors and reactions look the way they do, and many times–it is all about his developing brain. When I first started reading the book, I laughed when I read that you should look forward to meltdowns–they are a time to learn more about your child, develop a stronger emotional connection, and begin to teach his developing brain how to handle different situations. Never in a million years did I think that a tantrum would HELP in any way!!!! But I am here to tell you–it has been an incredible way to learn more about my sweet boy and we have made huge strides in his behavior and overall response to different situations. Now all I want to do is go out and help other families implement these same strategies! I am using them in my classroom with my first graders and also seeing huge growth.

It is all about connecting before correcting and understanding that sometimes the part of the brain the child needs to handle a given situation or make a choice has not fully developed. There are great examples of things you can do to help them develop those skills even from as young as two years old. A few examples… Riley went through a phase where he was “hulk smashing” people in the face. My immediate reaction would initially have been to yell “No” and “Don’t hit people”. After reading the book, the first time he hit someone again with the Hulk-I had a different reaction. My brother and him were playing and Riley hit Dan with Hulk and said “HULK SMASH”… He laughed and did it again. I heard Dan say “OW” very loudly and came out. Instead of yelling from across the room and telling Riley to stop… I walked over, sat down next to him and said, “I heard Guncle say ow… it looks like he feels sad.” Riley smiled at first and kind of laughed and raised Hulk up to do it again. I blocked Hulk and said again, “Oh it really looks like Guncle feels sad when you hit him, don’t you think?” Riley did not say much, but I could see on his face that he was beginning to understand a bit. It took a few more times and he has for the most part stopped hitting with Hulk. He is developing a sense of empathy even from this very young age, and his brain is growing and developing the skills it needs to make the right choice. Another example–more specifically around a tantrum situation. The word “no” can be very triggering for children and I read a lot in the book about how to connect and redirect before you try to do anything else. One morning, Riley really wanted to have “hulky pretzel” (which is a key lime flavored colored pretzel in non super hero words) for breakfast. He began to scream and cry when I told him that we were not going to have that for breakfast and that he could choose pancakes or a Mickey Waffle or eggs (all amazing choices in my opinion). He continued to insist “I want hulky pretzel now” and was getting more and more upset. Before reading the book, I may have just said, Well you can’t have that now and just ignored the tantrum. What I learned was that he is so upset in the moment, and is reacting from the lower “fight or flight” part of his brain and the right emotional side. The left side of his brain (and more logical one) is not developed enough to truly understand much more then he was just told no and isn’t happy. So again, I got down to his level took him on my lap, and said, “Oh big boy, you feel so sad ha?” He said, “YES I want hulky pretzel now momma”. I continued to hug him and said “I know you are so sad and momma loves you. I don’t want you to feel sad. We are going to have something very special for breakfast and save your hulky preztel in a special place for after lunch! Do you want to help me hide it”? First, I connected and made him feel loved and supported when he was feeling upset… Then, redirected with a game of hiding the hulky pretzel and letting him “help” with making breakfast. Once we had hidden the pretzel and he was eating breakfast (and was much calmer with level blood sugar) I asked him again…. “Silly goose, do we eat Hulky Pretzels for breakfast”? He made a silly face and said “yes momma” at first and then hid his face… But then looked at me and said “No momma, Hulky after lunch”. This boy doesn’t miss a beat and remembered exactly when he got to eat that pretzel!

I share these stories just to show that this parenting stuff is not always easy–but it is an amazing journey. I continue to learn so much from this little boy on a daily basis, not only about him, but about myself and am truly just so thankful!

It sounds cliche, but I waited my whole life to be a mom and now I am living that dream and trying to soak up every minute. I am so thankful to my brother and my parents for jumping on board with me as I navigate through these new strategies, and truly feel so proud of the kind little boy Riley is growing up to be!

July 3, 2019

A Hold on My Heart

I have put my Riley to bed almost every night for the last 2 years…. There was a Back to School Night and 1 other night that I could not be home in time and Uncle Dan took over. I have turned down invites or left after bedtime to be able to put him down each night because it is so important to me. We developed a special routine from day 1 and have been doing it ever since with adjustments as he gets older. When he was a newborn, our routine started with bath time. He did not love the bath at first, but it did not take long for him to giggle and smile when his feet touched the water. After bath time, we would head to momma’s bed to give him a massage, wrap him up in his sleep sack (or cozies as we call them), say good night to Guncle (who has not missed many bath times), and lay in momma’s arms for his bottle. As he drank his milk, I would sing to him…Even when I was still in the hospital with him, I would sing to him every night as he laid in my arms. I don’t remember exactly when, but there became a specific order of the songs that I sing to him—a Riley bedtime playlist if you will! Riley’s bedtime playlist has not gone platinum yet but just in case you are curious–here it goes: Riley’s Bedtime Playlist Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, ABC’s, 1,2,3 (which is the alphabet song but counting to 20 instead–made up by Uncle Dan), My Favorite Things (Sound of Music), Take Me Out to the Ballgame (of course!), Soft Kitty (yes from Big Bang Theory–he loves it), and ending with a version of the BINGO song… but instead of Bingo I spell out RILEY… “There’s a boy that Mommy loves, and Riley is his name-o”—-and go through everyone that loves him… When he was tiny–I sometimes had to repeat the last song a few times before he finished his milk, burped, and fell fast asleep. Then I would gently kiss his forehead, lay him in his bassinet next to my bed, and tip toe out of the room. If iI am being honest, some nights I was so tired, I would just lay down right next to him on my bed and fall asleep too!

When he got a little older (and too big for the bassinet) I had to transition him to his own crib and room. This was harder then I thought it would be–but mostly for me! He on the other hand loved his crib!!! Our bedtime routine still began with his bath, and then into his room to get on cozies and then sit with momma in the rocking chair for songs, milk, and cuddles until he fell asleep. I would close my eyes and nod off to some nights. It became one of my most favorite times of day–having my little boy all cuddled up in my arms sleeping peacefully.

Before I knew it, that little tiny newborn swaddled up in my arms, was a 2 year old boy whose legs now dangle off of mine in that chair! Bath time now includes bubbles, sometimes colored water, and A LOT of superheroes! I try not to read the mommy how to articles–and that means that he was drinking a bedtime bottle on my lap until well past 18 months (the books all say to stop after a year and I had no idea)! I am here to tell you that a bottle a few months longer was no big deal and we transitioned to a sippy cup in no time! Songs with momma and lots of cuddles…..BUT here’s the thing… that little body just keeps growing….

The past 2 weeks, he has not been so interested in his milk and has been squirming a lot more on my lap—our cuddle time was beginning to look a little different–his legs are too long to lay sideways on my lap–and it takes him awhile to get comfy… But neither of us was ready to give it up. I would whisper, “Ri Ri do you want to go in your bed”, and he would quickly reply, “No—chair”… and lay completely still so that I would not ask him again.

Then last night happened… we did not even bring a sippy cup into the room. He did not want milk at bedtime. I know this sounds like a silly thing to make a big deal about–but my little boy is growing up. The most special part was that he still wanted to sit on my lap and listen to all his songs. He took one of my hands and put it on his cheek and then intertwined his fingers on his other hand with mine until I finished singing. Tears of course rolled down my cheeks as I felt his warm little cheek on my right hand and held his left hand in mine. Time is flying by and I am cherishing every minute. I know that he will not want to hold my hand forever, but he has a FOREVER hold on my heart.

October 11, 2018October 14, 2018

I Have a Dream

When I began the adoption process, one of the first things I had to do was complete a home study. I met with a social worker for an interview that lasted almost 2 hours. She asked me a lot of questions about my childhood, my adult life, my beliefs and parenting philosophies. It was a lot of information to give to someone who I had just met. I remember the day we sat down to meet so clearly–in particular one part of the interview that left me confused, anxious, and unsure of myself. She was asking me about the profile of the child that I wanted to adopt–gender, race, medical needs, etc…. My response was something like, “My dream is to be a mom… I don’t care if its a boy or a girl, and has green skin with purple polka dots”! Of course, this is not the answer that would go into the home study, but I made it very clear that I honestly had no preference on gender or race. My only concern (due to financial need) was the health of the baby. I wanted to make sure that I could provide any care that was needed–so that would need to be in my profile. After I gave my answer, the woman looked up at me and asked if I was sure I was open to a baby that was not the same race as me (caucasian). I told her I was 100% positive. She went on to question me about how I would provide life experiences for my child that exposed him/her to their culture and did I have people in my life of different races for my child to be around. She truly made me feel like I was inadequate to raise a child who was “different” than me. Little did she know—until I very clearly explained it to her—I am surrounded by people in my life of all different races, religions, and cultures. As a teacher, I have been so blessed to work with students and families from so many different backgrounds and stories. It is one of my favorite parts of teaching, and one of the main reasons I changed schools a few years ago. I really wanted to work with a more diverse community–and have learned so much the last 3 years. I truly honor and appreciate differences and strive to help my students love and appreciate not only each other, but their unique selves. Even after my long winded answer, I still had a sense that she felt I should check the white/caucasian box on my profile. I actually did revise my profile for a brief amount of time after that interview and changed my preferences to be at least 50% caucasian. She made me so nervous and unsure. I wanted to be sure that I provided the very best environment for my sweet baby and she made me doubt that I could do that.

A few months after I completed my home study, I was feeling frustrated that I was not being viewed my more birth mothers. I scheduled a call with my case worker at the adoption agency to talk about how things were going. We had been on the phone for a few minutes and then she brought up my profile and preferences. She told me that the reason my profile was not being given out to more birth mothers, was because my preferences were limited. I got a pit in my stomach right away. I was nervous to share about what the social worker had said to me during my home study and that I felt forced into setting these limiting preferences. I took a deep breath and told her the story. When I was finished (and after a few tears) she told me she was so glad she had asked me about it. She said that she was always very confused by the preferences I had checked because it was so contradictory to the rest of my profile and life story. It was such a wonderful day when I was able to confidently tell her to check “open to all”!!! My sweet baby Riley was born on May 26. His birth mother is caucasian and his birth father is African American. He is absolutely beautiful inside and out.

My home study experience has been on my mind a lot this week. Anytime we are out and Riley sees a child with a baby doll, he always wants to hold and cuddle it. I was so excited to take him to Target the other day and get him a baby doll of his own. I had quite the collection of Cabbage Patch kids growing up and nothing makes me happier then to take one off the shelf for my own child! I put him in the cart and off we went to the doll aisle. As I browsed the shelf I realized that almost every doll on the shelf had white skin. It struck me in that moment that I had never paid much attention to skin color of the dolls on the shelf before. When I was a kid, all my cabbage patch kids, barbies, or dolls of any kind had white skin just like me. When I really think about it, most of the picture books I remember reading in school also had children who had the same color skin as me. I flashed back to the conversation I had with that social worker. We are lucky enough to live in a diverse community and also have a very diverse circle of friends. Riley gets to interact with people from all different races, backgrounds, and family make-ups. I have never once worried that I am cheating him out of life experiences or exposure to his own culture. And then as I was standing in that aisle in Target, I began to look at the shelves with a new lens…as the mom of a bi-racial little boy. And my heart felt a little sad… I began to ask myself: Where are all the brown dolls, the black dolls, and the dolls that reflect the diverse world we live in? As I thought about it even more, where were the dolls who were born with abnormalities or missing limbs?

As I have mentioned many times, I teach my students to love the uniqueness that makes them who they are and to appreciate our differences. When I changed school districts 3 years ago and began teaching at the school I am at now—I began to view education and the world with a new lens. I have been able to walk in the shoes of children and families who face a much different reality then me. With the recent events in the world of politics, it’s been very eye opening and sometimes very disheartening to see how far we still have to go to be truly “open to all”. I am blessed to have some wonderful friends and colleagues in my life who are always researching, learning, and trying to make a difference. We empower our students to feel proud of themselves and respect and love each other. And I will raise my sweet boy to believe the very same things. My hope and my dream is that he will grow up in a world where he is judged by the content of his character and never by the color of his skin.