January, 2019 - Worth my Wait

I have been thinking about this post all week and am finally getting a chance to sit down and put it into words. This was a very emotional week at work for many reasons and there are a few different stories to share…

But first I want to back up and give a little background. I teach in a Title 1 school, where many of our students are from lower income or even homeless families. We also have a lot of students with extreme social emotional needs. I have been teaching for 15 years and came to this school 3 years ago. I have mentioned many times before how I always dreamed of being both a teacher and a mom. Even before I ever had a child of my own, I always loved the students in my class as if they were my own and am still connected to many of their families years later (in fact, my very first class is graduating from college this year). Over the course of 15 years, I have had many students sit in my classroom who I truly did not want to send home–for many different reasons—but the primary one being I knew they were not getting the love and care they needed and deserved. I would have taken any one of them home in a heartbeat and showered them with love. When I got hired to teach first grade at my current school 3 years ago, I was both excited and nervous. I had always wanted to teach in a population like this one, and was finally getting my chance. However, I also did not know what to expect and wanted to do the best job I could to support my students. I spent that summer preparing my classroom, making class lists, and prepping my first grade curriculum just like I have always done. I began my first day of school confident and ready for my new class! I learned very quickly that this would be a completely new teaching experience and in many ways I felt like a brand new teacher all over again. Part of the reason I love being a teacher is because each year is a new challenge and in that way this was no different. What was very different, were the types of challenges I was now facing. The stories of many of our students are sad ones. They have seen, heard, and felt things that no one, let alone a child, should ever have to deal with. Some of them are not having their basic needs met, and many of them come to school seeking love and attention. THIS is the reason I became a teacher! I HAD FOUND MY PLACE! This is where I was meant to be! I knew it the very first day. My heart was open and ready to let in all these sweet faces. It was by far the hardest year of my teaching career and I drove home in tears on more than one occasion.

Little did I know that in May of that same year, I would get the call that I had been chosen by a birth family. In many ways, two dreams came true in the same year. I was teaching in a population I had always wanted to be in, and now I was going to be a mom. The most interesting thing of all (and not a coincidence as I look back now) is that teaching in this school for those 9 months before I got the call, made me more sure than ever before that adoption was my journey. My feeling of being “school mom” to my students was on a whole new level, and I found myself trying to do everything I could to support my students not only academically, but physically, emotionally, and mentally as well. It became clear to me a child did not need to grow inside of me to feel the unconditional love of a mother. As I have said before, May 26 2017, the day I held my sweet boy for the first time was the happiest day of my life. I truly believe we were meant to be together and he was growing in my heart my whole life.

Here I am in my third year at the school, still in first grade. My sweet Riley is going to be 19 months old at the end of the month, and I have been finding the balance between work and home life. It has been a huge adjustment and many times not an easy one. I am no longer the teacher who is first to arrive, the last to leave, and then at home working until bedtime (and often on weekends). My home time is all about my family and spending every minute I can with my Riley. However, there has also been a very special connection that my adoption story has brought to school that I never imagined.

This brings me to this past week. Since I teach first grade (and am honestly quite intimidated by the upper grades math curriculum) I do not get a chance to connect with the older students as much. Last year, I had the unique opportunity to be the teacher in charge when our administrator was off campus, and it was the first time that I really got to interact with the students in the older grades. The students that usually spent this most time with me were those with behavior issues (since I was the administrator in charge) being sent to the office by teachers or other staff members. The funny thing is–the students (often boys) who are the biggest behavior problems are the ones I always seem to make the biggest connections with! It was one of my favorite parts of being the teacher in charge. I got to know a lot of these boys and grew to love each one of them. A few of them have been spending a lot of time with me the last few weeks. They have been getting into a lot of trouble and are struggling a lot both in and out of the classroom (I do not want to say too much to keep it anonymous–but they are middle school boys–so you can probably get a general picture in your mind). They come to my room to work with my first graders (to build their self confidence and sense of responsibility) and they have been showing up at my door during their recess or lunch and asking if they can hang out with me. I always invite them over to the table and let them lead the conversation. I do a lot of listening and they do a lot of sharing. The funny part is I don’t even have to say much–they just know that I genuinely care about them and what they are saying. They talk about their problems at home, in the classroom, on the yard, and sometimes just want to joke around and ask me questions about me. The other day, one of them saw a picture of Riley on the wall behind me. He asked, “Ms. Twomey is that your son?” I said yes and the conversation eventually led to me telling them he was adopted. All 3 of them looked up at me with eyes wide open… “REALLY?! You adopted him.” This led to a lot of follow up questions… but a few of their questions really struck me. “Ms. Twomey, is adoption like when your aunt has to take care of you for awhile and then your mom comes back?” or “Ms. Twomey, why didn’t his mom want him?” One of the most heartbreaking moments was when one of the boys said “Ms. Twomey, my mom told me she didn’t want me”. These boys–labeled as the “trouble-makers and the behavior problems” are craving love. I could see right into their hearts as they went on to share a lot more information about their lives both past and present. It gave me the chance to have an organic conversation about love and how family can look very different from one to the next. Most importantly, it gave me the chance to begin the conversation with them about how worthy they are of love and how capable they are of living a successful life. I told them how many of us love them, believe in them, and are here to support them every step of the way.

I have spent much of my adult life trying to discover my purpose and in that moment it all became very clear. Children are my purpose–they are my passion and I my role as “mother” extends far and beyond my sweet boy. It is my dream come true to wake up every morning to that little face and the love I feel for him is like no other. What I did not expect was just how much more adopting him would bring to my life. I have been able to teach my students not only about adoption, but how different families can look from one house (or apartment, or condo, or room, or even car in some circumstances) to the next. Family is all about love and includes any and all adults who show and give you love. For some of our students, we are those adults–the ones who provide them the stability, love, and support they need and deserve. People ask me all the time if I will adopt another child and I am very open to it but at this point don’t know what the future holds. One thing I know for sure, is that I will continue to raise my sweet boy the best way I know how and shower him with every ounce of love I have in my heart. And I will continue to go to work each day and love each one of those students as my own. I will end with one of my favorite quotes… “Family is where life begins and love never ends”.

Riley loves helping Papa in his garden.
Gaga and Momma kisses!
Ri Ri loves his GUNCLE Dan!
Christmas Day 2018
Riley’s First Birthday Party with Tom and Nanny
The day Papa Joe met Riley
Adoption Day!

Today is the last day of 2018…. I am not one to make New Year’s Resolutions or promises that I am unsure I can keep. I think about the things I did well, and the things that could have gone better. I set goals and create my vision board for the upcoming year. But I do like to think back on the year and reflect on things that made me happy, sad, proud, and most of all the things that I am thankful for. It has been an emotional year with many ups and some very big downs. My sweet boy turned 19 months old the day after Christmas…. 2018 brought so many firsts—his first words (papa and momma), his first birthday (where we were surrounded by our closest family & friends), his first steps–which almost immediately turned into a run, his first trip to the zoo, his first time trying many new foods, and even our first trip to the emergency room (which turned out to be a GIANT overreaction by momma)! These are only a few of the many new and exciting things that Riley discovered over the last year. It is truly magical to watch his little mind take everything in and soak it all up! I am continually in awe of how much he develops and learns every day. Another highlight in 2018 was in April when Riley and I went to court to have our official adoption day in California! Although everything was final in North Carolina, there was a lot of paperwork and legalities that needed to be done in California as well. On April 20, everything was official and Riley was a Twomey forever! My family and best friends were there to share this special day with us. I have spent the last year trying to slow down and enjoy each minute, each milestone, each day as my baby grows quickly into a sweet little boy. He continues to bring joy and happiness wherever we go and his smile lights up an entire room. That smile really brought my family light and hope this year when things got a little tough. My grandfather, who we lovingly called Papa Joe, got very sick this year and spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital. Even when he was at home, he needed a lot of extra care and my amazing parents were the ones who provided this care. They juggled watching my sweet Riley every day, while at the same time taking my grandfather to appointments, picking up his prescriptions or groceries, visiting each day to make sure he took his medicine, and numerous late night trips to the ER. This was a lot on them both emotionally and physically. I would often offer to take a few days off or tell them how guilty I felt they were spending all of their time taking care of other people–and they would always assure me that Riley was the light in their life and it was helpful to be around him. We lost Papa Joe in late July as well as our cousin Patrick the very same night. Just before Thanksgiving, we lost another very special person in our lives. My godfather, Tom, lost his battle with cancer, and again, we were heartbroken. Tom (and his wife Nanny) was a very important part of my life, and was truly like family. Some of my favorite childhood memories are at their house, running up and down the hallways with one of their sons, or playing with the pots and pans in Nanny’s kitchen, or eating ravioli’s with Nanny’s homemade tomato sauce. We were so very sad to lose Tom and I am so thankful that he was able to attend Riley’s first birthday. It is at times like this when life really doesn’t make a lot of sense and doesn’t seem fair. It becomes harder to focus on the good things and smile when your heart is broken and the tears are falling. It was in those moments that I looked down at Riley’s sweet little face–and his smile looking up at me was all I needed to refocus my energy. It reminded me to live in the present and not waste one single moment with the people you love doing what you love most. It reminded me to count my blessings each and every day and tell the people in my life how much they mean to me. My grandfather, my cousin, and my godfather, lived their lives to the fullest and family meant everything to them. And though our lives will never be the same without them–I know their spirit will live on in each one of us. 2018 was also a year for a lot of personal and professional growth for me. With my first year of motherhood under my belt (and a baby that finally slept through the night), I felt like I was able to come up for air. I refocused my attention on my skincare business and grew my team. I started my blog, and even wrote the first draft of my first children’s book (still working on next steps). In the last few months, I have begun more personal development around self care and self love. I began reading audiobooks (Michelle Obama’s new book, Becoming, is my favorite), began practicing meditation & journaling again, as well as daily affirmations. I am an anxious person by nature and have always struggled with feeling like I am enough. Becoming a mom added a whole new dimension to this. I was now responsible for the health, happiness, and well-being of another person. I am constantly asking myself if I am doing what is best for my little guy and worrying about getting everything just right. Am I a perfect mom? Absolutely not. But I love that little boy more than anything and wake up each morning trying to be better than I was the day before! I take it one day at a time, and sometimes even just one hour at at time. I’ve also had to adjust my life as a teacher. I can no longer be the first one to arrive and the last one to leave. I don’t have time to prep and lesson plan at home and on the weekends–I spend that time with my Riley. This was quite an adjustment and I spent a lot of 2018 questioning myself–am I doing enough for my students? Am I a perfect teacher? Absolutely not. But I truly love what I do and come in every day excited to learn and grow with my students. I learn from my colleagues and try to be better then I was the day before. Another HUGE adjustment for me as a mom, has been my fitness routine. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am an avid exerciser. Before becoming a mom, I was at the gym every morning at 5 before work, and outside running on the weekends. Even on vacation, I make sure to find a way to get in my workout. As I mentioned before, I get a lot of anxiety and exercise helps with that a lot. Over the past year, I had to adjust to a new way of life. My amazing mother (a common thread in my posts is my family who I am forever thankful for) sleeps over 2 nights a week and my brother is off on Fridays, so I get in my morning workout 3 days a week. My dad comes over every Sunday morning to hang with Riley so I can get in a run around the neighborhood. That gives me 4 solid workouts a week. And this may seem like a lot–but I was used to 6-7 days and it took some time to get used to. I mention it here because over the last few months, I have really began to look at exercise and fitness in a whole new way. It used to sometimes feel like a chore–something I took for granted…I did not consider it a true workout unless I was at the gym–sweating like crazy for 60 minutes. And now I love nothing more then to take a walk around the neighborhood with Riley when I get home from work… and appreciate that I can move my body and enjoy time with him at the same time. It may sound silly, but it has been a huge personal achievement for me…and I owe a lot of it to Riley. The common thread throughout my reflection of the last year, is my sweet boy. He has changed my life in ways I never imagined. The love I have for him is indescribable–he makes my heart whole. He teaches me to appreciate the little things in life. To live in the moment and not worry about what is going to happen next. So as I sit here on the last evening of 2018, I feel thankful…thankful for 2 jobs I love, my health, my friends, and most of all my sweet Riley and my amazing family. I feel excited to begin another year! I may not have all the answers, but I will go into 2019 with a positive mind and love in my heart!

Month: January 2019

My Purpose

Starting 2019 with Gratitude and Thanks