July, 2018 - Worth my Wait

July 30, 2018July 30, 2018

Love Makes a Family

I am dedicating this entry to my dear grandfather, and Riley’s great-grandfather, Papa Joe. He passed away at the age of 89 Thursday evening and we will miss him dearly. My family also lost a cousin the same evening, so its been a hard week. Riley has truly been the light in a very dark few days. Whenever there is a loss, it always makes me reflect on my own life and how thankful I am for my family. It sounds cliche, but I truly don’t know what I would do without my family and am so grateful that Riley is surrounded by so much love.

I knew I wanted to be a mom my whole life and as I got older, I decided that I was going to do it single. I say the word “single” because I am not married or in a committed relationship… However, when it comes to raising my son, I am far from single… I am blessed to have an incredible village of both friends and family who have supported me through the entire journey. I actually tell people sometimes, that I feel spoiled by the amount of love and support that my sweet boy and I receive each day.

From the moment I made the decision to become a mom, my parents assured me that I would never pay a cent for day care. They are both retired and could not wait to become grandparents. I live with my twin brother, Dan, and he was also super supportive. When I began my journey with IVF, we were living in a 2 bedroom condo in San Mateo that I had purchased in 2008. We knew this would not be ideal with a new baby on the way, and I decided to put it on the market, in hopes of finding a duplex that we could purchase together. This way my brother could have his private space, and I would have the comfort of knowing Uncle Dan was right next door. The first part of my plan was a success–my condo sold in less than a week! However, the buyers market was BANANAS and we got outbid on every offer we made. We decided to rent for awhile until the market slowed down… Needless to say we are still waiting. I had waited over 3 years to be chosen by a birth mother, so I don’t really know how real it felt to any of us until the day I got the call. I was unsure if my brother would still want to live with me in our house. He works at a local news station and starts work at 3:00 AM each day. We do have 3 bedrooms, but it would be a complete life adjustment to bring a newborn into the house. Not only was he supportive, he went out of his way to help me get the house ready and complete the home study update in time. He even bought my little guy his first outfit (which happened to be a batman onesie even though we still had no idea it was a boy when he bought it). I will never forget the day he looked at me and said, “I am going to be an uncle”!

My parents were over the moon excited and were with me every day of the week before he was born–shopping, washing clothes, assembling pack and plays, high chairs, strollers, swings….. and most of all being my calm in a time when I was so nervous and anxious.

I am also so lucky to have such an incredible group of friends (who are more like family) who took me by the hand and got me prepared with all the essentials. Genny created my Target registry for me and added all the essentials. Elizabeth took me to Babys’r’us to do my live registry–and brought me everything she had from her twins when they were born 2 years before. Jill let me borrow her bassinet, car seat, car seat base, & Moby wrap to get me started…. as well as an entire travel pack with everything I would need–diapers, wipes, formula, safety kit–you name it, she though of it. At a time, when my brain was all over the place, they did the thinking for me. My friends at work threw me an impromtu baby shower and were so very generous. They also went above and beyond to make sure that I did not need to worry about one thing at school while I was away. And remember, this was the end of the school year–there were assessments to be done, report cards to be done and printed, cumulative folders to be completed, class lists to be made for the following year, lesson plans for the last 4 weeks of school I would miss. They helped me get as much done as I could before I left, and then told me not to worry–it would all be handled. The parents in my class were also amazing. They were not only understanding, they also threw me a shower on my last day, and two of the moms (who are still my close friends) supported the guest teacher the entire time I was away.

I was overwhelmed with love and support even before my sweet boy arrived… I have mentioned it many times before, but my dad being with us in North Carolina meant more to me then I could ever express in words. He was MY ROCK. My other two rocks, my mom and brother, were waiting for us when we arrived home. They had prepared the nursery while we were away and had a welcoming poster, balloons, and lots of hugs and kisses for us to welcome us! I actually call my family the Core 4 (a SF Giants reference) and that could not be more accurate since becoming a mom. My mom slept over every night for the first 5 nights I was home and between the 3 of them I spent little time by myself. My sweet boy had a lot going on in that little body of his and did a lot of crying and not a lot of sleeping for quite some time–almost 7-8 months (more details to come in another entry). My brother would get up in the middle of the night and come to make a bottle or just be moral support when Riley was inconsolable. My dad came over every single morning for the entire time I was off of work (between summer and my leave it was almost 5 months) to let me go to the gym or even just have some company after a long night. He would leave and my mom came many days to meet me for lunch and would hang out until my brother got home from work and the gym in the afternoon. My brother and I would take turns eating dinner or holding (and often trying to soothe) Riley. I look back on those first months, and honestly don’t know how I could have done it without them. I did not expect them to at all, and told them many times not to worry-and their reply was always the same, “We are in this together”.

When I went back to work, it was another huge adjustment. Riley was still not sleeping more than a few hours at a time, and I was learning to function for the first time as a full time working mom. Once again, my family was there to support me and my sweet boy. For the entire school year, my parents watched Riley at my house. My dad showed up every morning at 6:30 (with coffee in hand for me) so that I could beat traffic and get to work by 7:00. Before Riley, I got up every morning at 4:30 and went to the gym before work. My mom volunteered to sleep over 2 nights a week so that I could get in my workout. My brother is off on Fridays, and he let me go Friday mornings. My dad (to this day) comes over every Sunday morning so I can go for a run around my neighborhood. They know how important exercise is to me and with their help, I am able to get in 4-5 workouts a week. I am so grateful. Riley was a challenge to sleep train, and my family was always willing to follow whatever routine I was following. That is a lot of the reason that my parents watch him at my house. He will only sleep in his crib–not in the car, not in the stroller, and not at anyone’s else’s house (we are working on it). So they pack their lunch, and spend the day at my house every day. I leave work as soon as I can–but there are days one of them is there until 4 or 4:30.

This past year, my grandfather, who I dedicated this entry too, was struggling medically. He needed a lot more care and was in and out of the hospital. He was no longer allowed to drive, so my parents would take him shopping, to his doctor appointments, and even to get his hair cut. By the last few months of school, his health had really declined and one of them had to go by his house every single day. This meant they had to tag team at my house. One of them would stay with Riley, while one left early to go and care for Papa Joe. I offered many times to stay home on days he had appointments and they would never let me. They did not want me to lose pay (I had to exhaust all my sick time to stay home with my guy and so any days out were unpaid when I came back). They always figured out a plan and went out of their way to make sure everyone was taken care of. We lost my grandfather last Thursday and I feel so thankful that my Riley was able to meet his great-grandfather. We are very sad to lose my grandpa but anytime there is a death in the family, it is also a reminder to appreciate the people in your life and to spend every minute you can with them. A few people reached out to me this past week asking where my latest blog entry was and the answer is… I was with my family—sharing, laughing, and loving–lots of loving. Rest in peace my sweet Papa Joe.

July 22, 2018

Coming Home

This post needed multiple pictures! The first was taken at the boarding gate around 6:00 AM on Saturday morning at Raleigh airport. The alarm went off bright and early about 4:00 that morning.. although between waking up for feedings and the anxiety of traveling with a newborn– I don’t think either of us had slept much at all. My dad had booked the shuttle to be downstairs a little after 5 to make sure we left plenty of time for everything at the airport. There was no way we were going to miss that flight. Our hotel was less than a mile away from the airport, so it took no time at all to get there. We went to the check in desk and immediately people were turning and commenting on what a little guy we had. I was a little nervous about the check in process and we ended up with the sweetest lady! I had read that I may have to show my adoption paperwork and/or temporary birth certificate before being cleared… so I was ready with everything I needed. The minute I shared my brief story, her whole face filled with joy and she was nothing but kind and helpful. I had originally planned to take him out of the car seat (and check it in as baggage) and carry him in the Moby through the airport, but he was asleep. They told us we could bring the car seat onto the plane with us, and did not have to check it. My AMAZING dad (I can’t say that enough) carried him in the car seat through the security line and all the way to the gate! We sat down with plenty of time to spare (which is when we snuck in our selfie). My dad sat with little man while I went to get us coffee (much needed)! I had decided to put Riley in the Moby wrap before we got on the plane and keep him in there as long as possible. I was very nervous about germs, his ears, and pretty much anything else I could think of!!! Since we had an infant, we got to pre-board. I wrapped up my guy (who was asleep) and we boarded the plane. We had literally booked our flight about 12 hours before and got the last two seats–they were not next to each other. My dad was seated behind us. I had gotten a middle seat in between 2 men. OH was I nervous now–what if he screamed the whole way? What if I had to get up to change him or rock him? I was going to drive these men nuts! And my dad was behind me—ugh… I took a breath, and decided to ask the man on the aisle seat if he would be willing to trade seats with my dad. He agreed immediately and was so wonderful about it. The man in the window seat looked like he was in his mid 30’s and seemed friendly. I looked over and told him, “I promise we will do our best not to be annoying”. I could never have imagined a nicer human to be seated next to us! Not only did he tell me not to worry—we ended up chatting off and on the whole flight! I shared my story and he showed me pictures of his wife and son. We now follow each other on instagram and have stayed in touch. OK.. two problems solved… Now we just needed to get through take off, a 5 hour flight, the landing, and we were home (literally home) free….. MORE DEEP BREATHS….

There is not much to say about the flight besides, my sweet Riley is a CHAMP! He slept most of the way, and only woke up once or twice to eat. Not one tear the entire way and even let me change him in the airplane bathroom (which was not the easiest task but we did it). I had never been so excited to hear the captain say, “We have arrived in San Francisco. Thank you for flying with us”. WE MADE IT! WE WERE HOME!!!! I was finally going to get to bring my sweet boy home to meet his Gammy and Uncle Dan!

That takes us to the last two pictures… My mom picked us up from the airport, and when I did not see my brother in the car, I felt disappointed. I asked where he was and she said he had gone grocery shopping. Little did I know, that when we pulled up, he would be standing outside with his camera and these balloons hanging outside! We walked through the door and there was this sign he had made hanging in the living room. I cried again (as did everyone). The sign still hangs above the changing table in Riley’s room. We read it to him every time we changed his diaper for about 7 months!!! He will now often look up at it (actually stand and touch it) and say “Momma” and kiss the poster like my dad taught him to do when he was tiny. It melts my heart every time.

Riley was finally home. This was the moment I had been waiting for—and it truly was a dream come true.

July 20, 2018

Papa’s HERE!

I am not going to lie….. the first 24 hours were amazing and wonderful and truly “magical” (as cliche as that sounds), there was a part of me that was so sad my family could not be there with me. We had face timed, talked on the phone, and texted non stop the entire time, but it was just not the same. I left so suddenly on that Friday morning, I had to travel solo, and the next available flight did not get my dad there until Saturday morning. By the time he landed, rented his car, and made the drive to the hospital, it was about 8:30 Saturday night. I could not have been happier to see my Daddy and hand him his grandson! This picture is the first time my dad held Riley! We were both in tears of course.. but happy tears…my parents had dreamed of becoming grandparents just as much as I dreamed of becoming a mom. A dream come true for all!

When I left California, I figured that I would be in North Carolina until the baby was discharged and then stay a night or two in the hotel and fly back home. When the attorney came to sign all the paperwork on Saturday afternoon, he informed me that I could not cross state lines until all the paperwork was finalized in North Carolina, fed-exed (they could not fax or email) to California, read over and approved by California, and then a call would be made telling me we could fly home. It was also Memorial Day weekend and he said it could delay the process. When I asked how long it would be he said I should plan to be in North Carolina for up to 14 days…. WHAT?! I hardly had clothes (or diapers, or formula, or underwear) for 4 days since I left so frantically, and I knew my dad thought we were flying home in the next day or so. And now I was going to live with a newborn in a hotel for up to 2 weeks! ANXIETY overload again!….. BREATHE Shannon–one more bump–we got this! Motherhood is all about being flexible and rolling with the punches… and I was getting a crash course for sure! My dad is the epitome of calm, cool, and relaxed and always says “We gotta do what we gotta do”. He told me not to worry and we would get through it together! And we did just that!

My dad stayed at a hotel close by the hospital Saturday and Sunday night while I was still allowed to stay with Riley. I am a bit of a health nut (and a picky eater if I am being honest)… and so not only did my dad show up every morning with food, he even managed to make sure it was all things that I would eat at home. He also brought me a toothbrush, soap, and diet coke!!! All the essentials for the new momma! Most importantly, he brought me a sense of calm–and is why he is my hero always!

Monday morning we were discharged from the hospital and headed for the hotel my dad was staying at. The three of us would now be roomies until we got the call that we were clear to cross state lines. This may sound silly, but I was so excited when they said that they would bring a wheel chair to roll Riley and I out of the hospital!!!!! That is what I always see the moms do and I hopped right in! I even made my dad take a picture! Off we went!

I would be lying if I said I was not a little anxious and worried about caring for a newborn in a hotel for an unknown amount of time. But just like the rest of the journey–I had to roll with the punches and stay positive.I was also checking in with the attorney daily–and he said the earliest I could expect the call was Friday. I of course locked Friday in my brain as the day we would be leaving and had everything crossed it would happen! There was an issue at the hospital with the circumcision (long story but they could not do it)…. and so I had an appointment to have it done in a clinic that Thursday. We had an appointment to see the local pediatrician as well the same day. So that gave us something to do for one day, now we just needed to fill Monday-Wednesday and then home on Friday! What a plan!

We got back to the hotel and went up to our room to get settled. I set up my “nursery” for the next week. I found a place to keep diapers and wipes, set up a bottle & formula area, and laid out the travel baby bassinet I had stuffed into my suitcase. I had borrowed the Moby wrap from one of my best girlfriends and had visions (me and my visions) of carrying my baby all around in the wrap everywhere we went. I had even practiced using it before I left with a teddy bear and a youtube video so I would look like I knew what I was doing! We decided to take a little walk just down to the hotel lobby. I put on my Moby, put Riley on my chest, and we headed downstairs. We walked around a bit and found a place to sit and watch tv. My dad had a cup of coffee and I found my diet coke. My dad went and got us Subway for dinner, and we ate in the room, taking turns holding Riley. Although it wasn’t the ideal circumstances, we were making the best of it. For the next 2 days, we did a lot of the same… maybe an outing to Walmart, walks around the hotel, and Papa watching golf with a sleeping baby so I could go downstairs and get a quick workout in.The Warriors were in the play offs and my dad and I would attempt to watch each night. We kept the volume very quiet (or even on mute) and tried to turn Riley so that he would not see the light. Riley wanted no part of the travel bassinet and slept right next to me every night. He was up every 1-2 hours crying either to eat or because his tummy seemed to be bothering him (a struggle that went on for months). My dad jumped up every time to help! Needless to say there was not a lot of sleeping going on. But my dad was a trooper and the bond between him and Riley was growing already.

Thursday came faster then I expected. The three of us were actually enjoying our time together–even though we of course could not wait to get home. I had no idea what to expect at the appointment for the circumcision, and without going into too much detail–it was HORRIBLE! Not because of anything the doctors or nurses did wrong—just because I had to hold him down and it was quite traumatic. He was a CHAMP and although he screamed bloody murder the entire time, he calmed down right away when they were done and drank his bottle. We headed back to the hotel until our afternoon appointment with the pediatrician. That appointment was great! She said that he was perfectly healthy-he had not lost any weight, all his numbers were great and he was completely safe to travel. So now we had everything we needed and were just waiting on that call. I had continued to check in every day with the attorney (who I am pretty sure was hiding from me) and it looked like we were not going home on Friday. He said best case scenario–they would finish the paperwork by end of day Friday–but there was a chance we would need to wait until the following week (it all depended on how busy they were Friday in the office). We decided to check out of the hotel we were staying at and relocate to a hotel closer to the airport. This way we would be ready to go as soon as the call came through. So Friday morning, we got up early, checked out of our hotel, made a quick trip to Wal-mart and hit the road!

Riley slept the whole way there (and momma fell asleep too). We checked in and got settled. We had big hopes that we would get the call and be able to fly home Saturday. I had already looked up the flight and there was one leaving at 6:30 AM Saturday morning. My dad left the hotel about 3 to go and return the rental car. We were less than 5 miles away from the airport and would just take a shuttle to to get there. Almost as soon as he walked out the door, my phone rang. I looked down and recognized the number right away. IT WAS THE CALL! WE WERE GOING HOME!!!!! I called my dad on his cell phone the minute I hung up screaming with happiness!!! I then called my mom and my brother to tell them the news–we would be on the airplane tomorrow morning! I went online and booked our flight home. The flight was at 6:30 which meant we needed to leave the hotel by 5:15 to allow plenty of time to check in, go through security, and get on board! It had been a very special week with my sweet boy and my Daddy–but all three of us were ready to go home!

July 17, 2018

Love at First Sight

When I finally pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, my heart was beating a hundred miles a minute…. Since 7:00 this morning when I got the call, (California time), I had literally been running ever since. I ran into my house to grab my half-packed suitcase, car seat, & diaper bag (still in my sweaty gym clothes and jumped into my brother’s car less than 10 minutes later to head to SFO, and actually booked my flight on the way (so glad we live 5 minutes away). We pulled up to the curb and they would not let me do curbside check because my ticket was not showing in system yet (I had literally booked it 5 minutes before), so raced to the check in desk dragging my suitcase, car seat, and diaper bag (only to find there was a delay in my ticket and after some frantic tears they got it figured out). I then ran to the security line, taking off my shoes as I walked and called one of my best girlfriends to let her know the baby was on the way! Of course my gate was on the other side of the airport, so I was off and running again! I called my parents on the way to the gate and told them what a crazy lady I must have looked like!!!! I got to the gate just as they were boarding and got on the flight. When the flight arrived, I immediately went to get my bags and then went to rent my car. From there, it was full speed ahead (but within the speed limit of course-no time for speeding ticket) to the hospital. I ran into the hospital, found out where I needed to go and went up the elevator. I honestly remember seeing him from down the hallway laying in the crib. I had tears before I even walked through the door. The birth mom was asleep when I walked in, but the birth father stood up, gave me a hug, and told me to go and meet my son. THERE HE WAS….my sweet Riley Patrick (the story on his name is for another post). I held him in my arms and whispered, “I love you my sweet baby boy. Thank you for choosing me to be your momma. You are my dream come true”. The picture above is the selfie I took moments after we met to send to my family. It truly was love at first sight!

The birth parents had told the hospital that I would be coming and we were lucky enough to be the ONLY people on the floor. Riley was the only baby born at the small hospital that weekend, which ended being such a blessing. I was immediately taken to my own room with Riley and the amazing nurses had me lay down right away and begin skin to skin contact. They told me that I could stay in the room as long as no other women came in to deliver. I was not an official patient but I cannot even begin to describe what a gift this was. I thought I would be sleeping in a chair or on a couch until the baby was discharged, and now I had my own room with a shower (because yes I still had not showered since my workout that morning). They left Riley and I alone and he slept quietly on my chest. I could not imagine feeling any happier. After awhile, they came to take him for some tests and I asked if I could go out to my car and get a change of clothes. The nurses were incredible and even brought me a sandwich and a random fruit cup they had left (I had not eaten since that morning before the gym, and to be honest wasn’t even hungry until I started eating). They wheeled him back in and he slept peacefully next to me. I did not sleep at all that night—I was either holding him or staring at him sleeping. My dad was flying out first thing the next morning, and I could not wait for Riley to meet his grandpa!

July 16, 2018

Preparing for “Peanut”

Once the match was official and the home study update was in motion, Phase 2 was off and running. There were still a lot of logistics to figure out and preparations to be made. The birth mother lived in North Carolina and the estimated due date was May 21. She told me she had been at least a week late with her other children and felt like this one was going to be the same way. I knew I probably had a little extra time, but there was no way to be sure. I did not want to get there too early and not only have nothing to do (when I had an entire nursery to put together and shopping to do for my baby here at home) but I was also going to lose pay at work. I teach first grade and we were still over a month away from ending the school year. There is no such thing as maternity leave for adoptive parents and my school district offers a 20 day adoption leave at half-pay. Then I had to exhaust my 10 sick days before being unpaid. Most importantly, I REALLY did not want to be there too late and miss the birth. I reached out to the agency for advice and they really had no advice. They said it was completely up to me. The other tricky part was there were two possible hospitals she was going to deliver at depending on how soon she went into labor. That played a huge part in what airport I flew into and what hotel I booked. My mom was going to fly with me, and we were so unsure of when to leave. I had no choice but to “wait and see” as the due date got closer.

I told my principal right away that I had been chosen and she (as well as my entire faculty) were very supportive. We decided that my last day with my kids would be Friday, May 17. Even if I did not leave for North Carolina that weekend, I had so much to do to prepare for my sweet baby to arrive home. This meant that I would not be able to finish the school year with my class, which is something that I had never done before. This felt so strange and was the first time I realized that I was no longer just the “school mom” I was going to be mom to a sweet little angel very soon. Every decision I make from now on was going to be in the best interest of that little person.

Telling my students about the adoption was a very special experience as well. I read them the book “A Mother For Choco” by Keiko Kasza and then explained what adoption meant. I told them that I was going to be mom to a sweet baby in North Carolina who was going to be born in the next few weeks. They had so many questions–“Are you married? Who is the dad? Where is North Carolina? Are you coming back? Is it a boy or a girl? What is the name?” I answered each one in the most genuine (and kid friendly) way possible. We went on the map and I showed them where California was and we drew a line to North Carolina…. I told them that I did not know yet if it was a boy or a girl, so we would call the baby “Peanut”. They loved that and were truly so excited for Peanut to come! I even set up a facebook group called Peanut so my friends and family could follow as I anticipated, prepared, and once again waited. The faculty through me a shower the Thursday before I left and my class through me one on my last day. I felt showered with love and support. I left school that Friday afternoon feeling so excited, yet still so anxious and nervous… We still had no flights or hotels booked, and I had not even begun to pack or set up the nursery.

Thanks to some amazing friends and family, the nursery came together quickly. I was honored to be able to use the crib that my parents had bought for two little cousins who are now 8 and 10. One of my best girlfriends loaned me her infant car seat and base for the airplane, her bassinet, and a collection of other necessities for traveling with a newborn. One of my other best girlfriends took me to Babies’r’us to create my registry….and another one created a Target registry for me! I could never express how thankful I am to have such an incredible circle of girlfriends.

So now I just needed to figure out when to leave, where to fly into, and where to stay… It had to be a one way flight because once the baby was born, I would have to wait for everything to be legalized in North Carolina and then sent to California before I could return home. Simple right?! And so the SLEEPLESS nights began! I literally texted the birth mom every single day and she kept telling me she felt no movement and really didn’t think the baby was coming anytime soon. As each day passed I got more and more nervous. Finally, on Thursday, May 25, my dad said he thought it was better my mom and I just book our flight and leave. We decided we would leave Sunday morning. That would get us there in plenty of time. If the baby was around a week late, it would be perfect timing. We booked a hotel close to the airport and decided we would just hang out there until I got the call she was in labor. I went to bed Thursday night feeling a sense of relief. Worst case, my mom and I would have a few extra bonding days and I could work on my report cards for school!

Friday morning, I woke up early and headed to the gym. I stopped at Starbucks on my way home and got coffee for my brother and I. I was going to spend the day packing the rest of my suitcase, and doing any last minute shopping before our flight on Sunday. As I was pulling into my driveway, my cell phone rang. It was 7:00 AM and it was the birth mother’s number. I answered the phone and she said, “I think we have a baby coming today!”

I SCREAMED OUT LOUD! WHAT?! Today?! From that moment on I went into momma mode. My baby was coming and I needed to be there. I ran into the house, threw my purse on the floor and told my brother I needed to go to the airport–my baby was on the way! He looked at me like I was nuts. I was literally standing in my gym clothes, not showered, and a sweaty mess. I ran into my room, threw a toothbrush in my suitcase and zipped it up. I grabbed the car seat and my brother and I jumped in his car to go to the airport. I called my parents and told them the baby was coming and I needed to go. They were still in their pajamas and a little stunned. I hung up and called United Airlines to book the next available flight. We were driving in the car at 7:20 and the flight I booked was for 8:40. My heart was racing…. I still have no idea how I made it on that flight on time (or in one piece), but I as the plane took off, I let out a sigh of relief. Here I come my sweet baby! IT WAS THE LONGEST 5 HOURS OF MY LIFE!!!!! It didn’t help that I still had not showered–but I tried my best to distract myself. I had my laptop and booked a rental car online for when I got off the plane. I knew I would spend the next day or so at the hospital so I was not worried at this point about a hotel.

Five hours later, the plane touched down in Raleigh, North Carolina. I had obviously never been there before, had no idea where I was going, and was all by myself. The minute I turned on my phone, there was a voicemail from the birth father. The baby had been born when I was on the airplane. I started to cry. This was exactly what I had been so worried about… why had I had waited so long to leave. There was one thing I was sure of, my baby would NEVER have to wait for me again. I was on a mission and would not stop until I got there. I ran to baggage claim, took a shuttle to the rental car facility, and then google mapped the name of the hospital. It was another 90 minutes to get to the hospital according to my phone. I called the birth father in the car and he told me everyone was healthy and doing well. He asked if I wanted to know the sex or if I wanted to wait and be surprised when I got there. I told him I could not wait…. “IT’S A BOY” were the next words I heard. It felt unreal. I had a son?! The moment I waited for my whole life… My sweet baby boy was waiting for me. I am on my way PEANUT!

July 15, 2018July 15, 2018

The Homestudy

One of the biggest parts of the adoption process is the home study. When I began the process, the agency I was working with did not do the home study and gave me a few suggestions on places to contact. I chose Independent Adoption Center (IAC). Since it was an outside agency, the costs were not covered in the Phase I fees I had already paid to my adoption agency. Once I set them the initial payment, they sent me a packet full of paperwork to fill out. Since my twin brother was living in the house with me, he also had to complete a lot of paperwork. We both had to be live scanned, complete a physical that included an updated TB test, show proof of CPR certification, copies of birth certificates and social security cards, and get our driving records. Since I was the adoptive parent, I also had to send my most recent tax return, as well as most current pay stubs, and bank information. Once all of this was completed, I was contacted by a social worker for my first interview. We met halfway between our two houses at a local coffee shop. I had no idea what to expect and remember feeling so nervous driving over the Bay Bridge.

I arrived at the coffee shop and found the social worker sitting outside. She introduced herself and then it was mostly me talking for the next 2 hours. She asked me about everything: my childhood, my past and present dating life, my career, why I wanted to be a mom and why I chose adoption. I had to go into great detail about my fertility issues as well as my choice to be a single mom. There were points where I felt a little uncomfortable–sharing such personal things…. basically my life story with someone I had just met. She also asked me a lot of questions about my choice to adopt a child of any race or gender. I am 100% caucasian, and she questioned me a lot about raising a child of a different race…. If I am being 100% honest, she really made me feel like I was not capable of providing the best environment for a child of a different race. I had actually changed my profile for a while after meeting with her (to 50-100% white only), until I was finally able to share with my agency’s social worker my feelings. She assured me that I did not need to worry and made me feel much better. My heart felt so much happier when my preference went back to any race.

After the first interview, we scheduled the home visit. For this one, my brother needed to be present so that she could interview him separately. There was also a home study checklist of things that needed to be done in your home before your home study is approved. Some of these things included: working smoke alarms in every room, carbon monoxide monitor, fire extinguisher, first aid kits, locks on medicine/liquor cabinets, all medicine locked up at out of reach of children. I also had to fill out a report much like when you are selling your home, describing total square feet and all other house information. The visit was scheduled for 2 hours. She interviewed my brother first (and made me leave the room) and then interviewed me again, and completed the home inspection before she left. Before she left, she told me that I had passed the home study and that now she would do the write-up and send to the state to approve me to bring a child into my home. That process took about 2 months, and then I was officially clear to have a child living in my home. The home study was current for a year, and then had to be “updated”… Updated basically meant writing another check to the agency, being live scanned again, and a follow-up interview if my living situation had changed.

When it came time to do my update the second time, I contacted the IAC and sent in my payment. They scheduled a social worker to come out and meet with me on a Saturday morning. The Thursday morning before that interview, I was at the gym and looked up at the TV screen. Channel 7 news was showing a story with the headline “International Adoption Center goes bankrupt and closes doors”… I turned my music off and plugged my headphones into the machine to hear the report on the news. I watched as people cried through interviews saying they were already matched with a family, and now everything was lost (including their money). I received a voicemail later that morning from the woman who was supposed to interview me. She said she was an independent contractor with the IAC, and would therefore not be able to conduct the interview. I was unable to get my money back and now had an “expired” home study. Since I was not feeling super confident about being chosen any time soon, I did not rush to find an agency to complete my update. Now fast forward to May 9 when I received that call… I needed to figure out who would be able to do my update and quickly!

Not only had the IAC gone bankrupt, but many of the client files were missing. Again, I was so lucky to have only done my home study with them, as many other families were losing out on a whole lot more. Not only a lot of money, but many of them had pending adoptions that did not go through. I cannot even imagine the pain and anger they must have felt. Although my situation was different, if I could not get my original home study, that meant that I would have to start all over instead of just an update. This would inevitably have meant that I would not be done in time for the birth. I called the DOJ in Sacramento and was on the phone for hours trying to find out if my file was there. Once I determined it was there, then I needed to get it to the agency completing the update as soon as possible. I was lucky enough to work with an amazing family owned adoption agency who were willing to take on my case and get the update done as quickly as possible. I paid to have the file overnighted to them in Santa Cruz and they gave me the list of things to complete and send them in the next 3 days: updated TB tests and physical for both my brother and I, as well as updated livescans (this was our third time), a letter from my vet saying the cat was “child friendly”, another home inspection, and face to face interviews with both my brother and I… The next 3 days were a whirlwind. Again, my brother was such a trooper as were our doctors. They got us in as quickly as possible and we got everything done and sent in time. We even drove to Santa Cruz to do our interview on the weekend. My update was finished, sent to Sacramento, and approved before I left on the airplane to get my sweet baby.

July 13, 2018July 15, 2018

The Call

It was about 10:35 a.m. on Tuesday May 9, 2017… I was teaching a Math lesson to my first graders and felt my phone going off in my pocket. I looked quick and since I didn’t recognize the number, I assumed it was a telemarketer and didn’t answer. It went to voicemail and the message was over a minute long. Again, I figured it was one of those recorded marketing calls and remember thinking how annoying they were. I usually would not even take the time to listen to the message and just hit delete, but for some reason, that morning, I walked towards my desk and listened to the voicemail. It was a social worker from the adoption agency telling me that I had been selected by a birth mother and could I please call her back as soon as possible. I stood there frozen and my eyes filled up with tears. My back was to my students and I knew I had to hold it together until lunchtime (still 90 minutes away). All I wanted to do was run around the room screaming and call my family. It was the call I had been waiting for—for what seemed like my whole life really.

Let me back up….

I am not going to lie, there were many times I had started to feel like I was never going to get chosen…I had started the process in 2014 and here I was 3 years later and still waiting… In January of 2017, I created my first vision board, and it was covered in pictures and quotes about motherhood, adoption, babies, patience, and hope. I turned 38 in April and all I could think was another year had passed and I was still not a mom. My brother and I also moved into a new house. Ironically, it is across the street from the one we were renting for the previous 2 years. The owners had taken a liking to us and approached us about moving in. They bought a house in the country and wanted to “help us kids” out. They offered to lower our rent significantly and told us to come by and see if we liked the house. The funny part was, even though I liked the house we were renting and our landlords, I never felt like it was the home I would raise my child in. The house was filled with hardwood floors, and it may sound silly, but I always imagined living in a house with carpeted floors. I imagined crawling around with my baby on the carpet, and being able to lay down to read or play together. Again, it probably stemmed from my own childhood memories, but it was a part of my vision and I could not let it go.

The moment I walked into the living room of this house—I felt a calming, loving, homey, feeling come all over me. There is carpet all through the front of the house and the bedrooms. The couple had lived here for over 50 years and raised a family of their own in the house. We said yes right away and moved in right after my birthday. This was at the end of April 2017. Less than 2 weeks later (on the Wednesday before Mother’s Day), I got the call. It felt almost surreal. The voicemail said, “Hi Shannon, this is (social worker) from (the agency I used). I am calling with wonderful news. You have been selected by a birth mother and the baby is due on May 21. Please call me as soon as you can”. Yes, you heard that right.. May 21, and it was now May 9. My heart was racing. Could this really be happening? And in such a short amount of time? So many questions, so many unknowns, and also so much excitement.

One of my biggest questions and fears was the timing. I had to renew the home study (which basically meant paying a fee and being re-fingerprinted) every year. The agency that had done my original home study with had gone bankrupt before my updated home study was completed. I had not rushed to to find a new agency because I truly had no idea I would get the call. As soon as the lunch bell rang, I was on the phone with the social worker. She explained that she was the social worker of the birth mother and would be working with us. The couple lived out of state, so I would need to talk with them on the phone later that day and make my decision rather quickly, given the baby was due in a few weeks. She also emailed me their medical histories and profiles so that I could read that over as well. I asked her about the home study, and she told me that it would need to be done quickly, but that as long as my home study was updated by the time I was bringing the baby home to California, it was ok. She referred me to an agency that she had worked with before who was familiar with expedited home study updates. I called them right away and started the process. I read through all the information given to me about the birth parents… and to be honest, there was almost nothing that I would have read that would have stopped me from saying YES. I just wanted to make sure I had all the legality stuff figured out on my side.

I came home that afternoon, and the call was scheduled to talk with the birth mom at 4 PM my time (she lived in North Carolina). I had no idea what to expect. The social worker gave me some tips on things to ask and talk about, but really said that I just needed to be myself and begin to build a relationship. I took a deep breath and dialed the number at 4:00. She did not answer at first and I was going nuts… Had she already changed her mind? My phone rang a few minutes later and it was her and the birth father (on speaker phone). We chatted for about 20 minutes. I told her what an honor it was to be chosen by her and the birth father and told her a lot about my journey, my life, and my family. They told me a little more about them and said they could not be happier with their choice. She told me that when she read my profile, she could see how much love I had to give and what an amazing family I had to support me. We hung up the phone, and I immediately called the social worker back to tell her “it was a MATCH”! My heart was exploding!!! So it was official, after 3 long years, I was entering Phase II.

WOW! Was there a lot to do!

July 6, 2018July 10, 2018

Adoption Phase 1… preparing and waiting, and waiting, and wishing….

Once I made my decision and chose the agency I was going to work with, things started moving quickly. The entire process was broken down into 3 Phases (Phase 1, Phase 2, and Phase 3). Simply put, Phase 1 was everything before the match, Phase 2 started as soon as the match was made, and Phase 3 was all of the post adoption services.

Phase 1 was very overwhelming for me. I had no idea just how much had to be done in order to adopt a baby. I always envisioned that once I chose and agency and said I wanted to adopt a baby, they would connect me with a newborn who needed a mom. That could not have been farther from the truth. The very first thing I had to do was create a profile book. This was basically a 4 page (front to back–so really 8 pages) booklet all about me and why she should choose me to raise her unborn child. They called it a “sneak peak” into my life. HOLY ANXIETY!!!! I was terrified of not saying or showing the right things. I worked with a graphic designer who specialized in adoption profiles to help me with pictures and wording. That alone took me a couple of weeks to complete. After it was completed, I had to have 250 color copies sent to the agency to present to birth mothers. At the same time, I had to begin my home study. This was a very extensive process including 2 separate interviews, a home visit, fingerprinting, a physical exam, DMV records, background check, letters of recommendation, and a whole lot more paperwork. I am forever grateful to my twin brother who had to go through the whole process with me since he lived in the home and was over 18 years of age. He was such a trooper through the whole thing!

After these things were done, I was officially “waiting” to be chosen. I would receive an email on the 10th of every month, with a list of names of birth moms who saw my profile. Next to each name it said one of the following: not yet chosen, chosen but not matched, matched, decided to parent, fallen out of the system….. “Not yet chosen” means that the birth mother had not chosen an adoptive family yet. “Chosen but not yet matched” means that the birth mom has chosen a family, but they still need to decide if they “choose” her back (all adoptive families are presented with the profile of the birth parents and get to decide if they would like to move forward). “Matched” means that the birth mother and the adoptive family are moving forward together and on to Phase II. “Fallen out of the system” means that the birth mother was either taken out of the system for some reason, or has disappeared and “decided to parent” means the birth mother has chosen to parent her child and is no longer in the program.

This went on for 3 years… on the 10th of every month, I would wait to receive my email with the list of names of women who had not chosen me. It was very hard not to take it personal and wonder if there was something wrong with my profile. Did I include the right pictures? Was my dear birth mom note sincere enough? Is it because I am single? These questions haunted me every month for almost 3 years. I called the agency a few different times to ask if I should change things. I had seen that the average wait was between 12-24 months, and here I was going on year 3. After the first year, a friend of mine suggested that I start making a vision of what life would be like when I was chosen. She told me to begin to buy things for the baby and maybe even set up an area of the nursery. The knit beanie that is in the picture above is something I found at a Christmas craft fair and for some reason, I just needed to have it. I brought it home and laid it on the pillow next to mine on my bed. Every night from then on, I would stick my hand inside the beanie as I fell asleep and whisper goodnight to my baby. There were many nights that tears streamed down my face as I laid there and there were other nights when I fell asleep smiling, knowing that one day my sweet baby would be laying next to me.

July 4, 2018July 4, 2018

The Candle….

This is the hardest post I have done and to be honest, I wasn’t even sure I would be able to do it. But it is a huge part of my journey and I cannot leave it out. This picture was taken by my mom at St. Ignatius church in San Francisco on November 1, 2014. Her and my dad went there to light a candle for the unborn baby Twomey… Meanwhile, 3 petrie dishes were sitting in a fertility clinic in Foster City with my dream growing inside. Let me back up a few steps….

Once I decided to become a single mom, the next big decision was how I was going to do it… There were many different options available which I began to research: IVF (in vitro fertilization), IUI (Intrauterine insemination), adoption, being the 3 that I looked most closely at. I was not in a committed relationship, so I knew that if I intended to have the baby using IVF or IUI, I would also need a donor sperm. More research… It was about this time, that I reached out to a friend who I had been watching on Facebook for a year or so. She was posting a lot throughout her pregnancy and after her baby was born, and it was clear she was single. I decided to reach out to her and ask her if she was comfortable sharing her story with me. Not only did she say yes, she even met up with me for coffee and shared her whole journey. It turned out that she had done IUI and used a donor sperm. She connected me to a few great resources for donor sperm and answered a lot of my questions. Little did I know, you actually get to see a whole profile on the man, including health history, educational background, social interests, pictures, and even hear a voice interview. It really made it seem to me like I would be able to pick out the best match for me.

Being pregnant was something I always dreamed of and I really wanted to carry a baby inside of me if possible. I decided that I was going to follow the IUI path and use a donor sperm. I chose my sperm bank and spent quite some time making my choice. It was such a huge decision and it was very important to me that I took all the time I needed. At the same time, I was also making appointments with my gynecologist at Kaiser to find out what I needed to do medically and what was available through my medical provider. I learned quickly that there is little to no coverage for reproductive health and a lot of it is out of pocket. As a single woman, using donor sperm, I really didn’t qualify for much. My gynecologist referred me to the fertility specialist and I made my first appointment. A lot of information was shared…. including medicine, procedures, and costs. It would be primarily out of pocket, and the doctor said as long as I did IUI, it could be done at Kaiser. She told me they did not do IVF. It is at this point that I asked what the difference was. I knew nothing about any of this stuff and was learning as I went. The doctor explained it in a much more medically correct way–but ultimately, in IUI the sperm are directly inserted into the uterus, and in IVF the eggs are removed from the ovaries, fertilized in a lab, and then the embryo is placed in the uterus. IUI is much less demanding physically and also much less expensive. I decided to start with IUI. I was teaching Kindergarten at the time, and decided that I would begin in June, when we got out for summer (which was about a month away). I would need to give myself shots to stimulate my ovaries and also be available to go into the lab every few days to have an ultrasound. This would be much easier when I was off of school. I also quit my job and went back to teaching at the school closer to my parent’s home. If all went well, I would be pregnant by the end of summer, and needed to be closer to my parents so they could watch my sweet baby.

The school year ended, and I began the process. It involved shots twice a day, and frequent blood tests to test my levels. My ovaries were not cooperating and there were red flags right away. They upped the dosage of medicine and still did not see much happening. I had some testing done, and also found out that one of my fallopian tubes was blocked. I met with the specialist and she basically said that she did not think the IUI would be successful and that I should look into IVF. This procedure was not done at Kaiser, so I started my research again. I found an AMAZING doctor located within 5 miles from my home and set up a consultation right away. He looked over all the paperwork and test results that I had from Kaiser, and told me that he had a plan for me. He was a superhero in my eyes and I told him I would do anything he needed me to do. I had to have surgery to have the blocked tube closed and was put on a strict diet (no dairy or gluten). He also had me take a some additional supplements and I began acupuncture twice a week. All of this was out of pocket, and to be honest, I didn’t even blink an eye when they told me that costs. I just asked where to sign and was ready.

The doctor said I needed to be on the most aggressive plan due to the lack of results before. Even on this plan, my ovaries were very slow to produce and I had to go a bit longer than expected (which meant more shots, more medicine, and more time). I had to do shots every morning and every evening for almost 2 weeks and then go in every 2-3 days for an ultrasound to monitor my ovaries. When he finally felt it was time, I had to go in and have my eggs retrieved. I remember the procedure was at 7:00 AM the day after the Giants won the World Series. I joked with the nurses that I was going to name the baby Madison after the Giants pitcher! When I woke up from the procedure, the doctor told me it had done well and he retrieved 9 eggs. Only 7 were mature enough to fertilize. From those 7 only 3 were successfully fertilized. I then had to wait 3 days to find out how many would mature into an embryo to be transferred back into my uterus. It was the hardest wait…I went to bed every night with my hand on my belly. I was so hopeful and so was my family. And this brings us back to that picture…. My parents drove out to St. Ignatius Church (which was a special location because I had graduated from there 3 times) to light the candle. We were so hopeful.

Day 3 came and I did not hear from the doctor. I called and left a message and heard nothing back. And then my phone rang. It was 3:00 and I was just leaving school to drive to my acupuncture appointment. As soon as I heard the doctors voice, my heart sank. He informed me that none of my embryos grew and in fact had disintegrated in the petrie dish. He went on to say that there was an 80% chance that there were no good eggs in my body and that in his 20 years of doing this work, he had only seen one other case as strange as mine. I drove straight to my parents house and basically collapsed into their arms. I cried and cried and cried and had never felt so empty. I had given so much—mentally, physically, financially, and most of all emotionally, and it felt like everything came crashing down around me. It felt so unfair. All I ever wanted to be was a mom. I followed every direction given to me by the doctor and was so hopeful that my dream would come true. It was truly the saddest day of my life.

It took some time for me to really grieve and process all the information that was given to me. Although he did not say there was zero chance of me being able to have a baby with my own eggs, he said the only way to know would be to go through the process all over again. It is then, that I really had to sit down and do some soul searching. Did I want to put my body through that again? And if I did, what were the chances it would work the second time? The more I thought about it, the more I felt drawn to adoption. I believed deep down inside that there was an unborn baby somewhere out there who needed me to be his (or her) mommy.

It has taken me a long time to write out the details of this part of my journey. It was painful and hard to live through and to retell. However, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and it all led me to my sweet baby Riley. The moment I held that sweet boy in my arms, I knew I was put on the Earth to be his mommy. And I cannot even begin to explain how much joy it brings my heart when people tell me, “He looks like you”! WE WERE DESTINED to be together! That candle shines brightly at St. Ignatius Church–as my sweet boy lights up every day.

July 3, 2018July 3, 2018

Single Mom by Choice

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. I grew up in a very loving home with my parents and my twin brother. My parents got married when they were 22 and had my brother and I when they were 24. My dad worked and my mom stayed home to take care of us. Most of my childhood friends grew up in much the same way and that is how I formed my vision of what a family looked like. Boy meets girl. Boy marries girl. Boy and girl have children. Dad goes to work. Mom stays home to take care of the kids. I had it all planned out in my head….my daddy walking me down the aisle when I was 22 years old to marry the man of my dreams. I would have my first baby when I was 24 just like my mom–it was all set in my mind. Perfect plan…. Right?

At the age of 22, I had just graduated from USF and was working in the payroll/accounting department at the company my father worked at. I was dating here and there, but not in any committed relationship. I did realize I was behind the “timeline” in my head–however, none of my friends or social circle were married either, so it did not phase me much. I decided to go back to school to earn my teaching credential… the other thing I knew from a very young age, was that I wanted to be a teacher… Again, the vision in my head held me back from following that dream initially (I was worried my parents would be disappointed if I was not a business girl who made more money), but then one day I woke up and knew teaching was my passion. My parents were of course very supportive and told me they would be proud of me no matter what I wanted to do. They just wanted me to be happy. I only include this part of the story because it paints a more clear picture of this vision or belief that I had in my head, of how my life was supposed to play out.

I entered the credential program, and before I knew it I was 24–still single, not in any serious relationship. My parents already had my brother and I by now… but again, none of my friends were married yet–so I really wasn’t too concerned. In the meantime, I began my teaching career, and from the moment I stepped foot in the classroom, I knew it was my calling. I truly love each child that comes through my door like they are my own, and tell them I am their school mom. Every year I taught, it became more clear to me just how much I wanted to be a mom. When I was about 29 years old, my baby cousin was born and something inside of me shifted. Her and I shared a very special bond from the moment she was born and I felt a love I had never felt before. I took care of her every day for a whole summer and that is when I knew that I was ready to be a mom. However, I was still single, and still very worried that this did not match the “vision” in my head. It was also at this time that my friends started getting married and having kids of their own. I worried what people would think and say if I had a baby as a single woman. I decided to give myself a deadline. If I was not married by the time I was 35, I was going to have a baby on my own.

By the time I turned 35, I had completed the masters program, bought my first home, and started a skincare business to supplement my teaching salary. I felt very settled in my professional life and financially stable. But still there was something missing. Every time I saw someone walk by with a baby, a little piece of my heart broke… and as each of my friends called to tell me they were pregnant, I was genuinely so happy for them… and at the same time, a little more sad each time. I had no doubt in my mind that I was ready to be a mom and that I was ready to do it on my own. I was lucky enough to have the amazing support of my family the entire way. My newly retired parents wanted nothing more then to be grandparents and assured me I would never have to worry about paying for day care. My twin brother and I were living together, and he was also very supportive (we still live together now and he is an amazing uncle to my sweet boy). I realized that my path may not look the same as everyone else’s—and was not at all the wayI imagined it as a little girl, but that did not matter. It is love that makes a family, and that is what matters. I still remember the day that I said out loud for the first time, I am going to be a mom!