Tag: adoptive parents

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Papa’s HERE!

I am not going to lie….. the first 24 hours were amazing and wonderful and truly “magical” (as cliche as that sounds), there was a part of me that was so sad my family could not be there with me.  We had face timed, talked on the phone, and texted non stop the entire time, but it was just not the same. I left so suddenly on that Friday morning, I had to travel solo, and the next available flight did not get my dad there until Saturday morning. By the time he landed, rented his car, and made the drive to the hospital, it was about 8:30 Saturday night. I could not have been happier to see my Daddy and hand him his grandson!  This picture is the first time my dad held Riley! We were both in tears of course.. but happy tears…my parents had dreamed of becoming grandparents just as much as I dreamed of becoming a mom. A dream come true for all!

When I left California, I figured that I would be in North Carolina until the baby was discharged and then stay a night or two in the hotel and fly back home. When the attorney came to sign all the paperwork on Saturday afternoon, he informed me that I could not cross state lines until all the paperwork was finalized in North Carolina, fed-exed (they could not fax or email) to California, read over and approved by California, and then a call would be made telling me we could fly home. It was also Memorial Day weekend and he said it could delay the process. When I asked how long it would be he said I should plan to be in North Carolina for up to 14 days…. WHAT?! I hardly had clothes (or diapers, or formula, or underwear) for 4 days since I left so frantically, and I knew my dad thought we were flying home in the next day or so. And now I was going to live with a newborn in a hotel for up to 2 weeks! ANXIETY overload again!….. BREATHE Shannon–one more bump–we got this! Motherhood is all about being flexible and rolling with the punches… and I was getting a crash course for sure! My dad is the epitome of calm, cool, and relaxed and always says “We gotta do what we gotta do”. He told me not to worry and we would get through it together! And we did just that!

My dad stayed at a hotel close by the hospital Saturday and Sunday night while I was still allowed to stay with Riley. I am a bit of a health nut (and a picky eater if I am being honest)… and so not only did my dad show up every morning with food, he even managed to make sure it was all things that I would eat at home. He also brought me a toothbrush, soap, and diet coke!!! All the essentials for the new momma! Most importantly, he brought me a sense of calm–and is why he is my hero always!

Monday morning we were discharged from the hospital and headed for the hotel my dad was staying at. The three of us would now be roomies until we got the call that we were clear to cross state lines. This may sound silly, but I was so excited when they said that they would bring a wheel chair to roll Riley and I out of the hospital!!!!! That is what I always see the moms do and I hopped right in! I even made my dad take a picture! Off we went!

I would be lying if I said I was not a little anxious and worried about caring for a newborn in a hotel for an unknown amount of time. But just like the rest of the journey–I had to roll with the punches and stay positive.I was also checking in with the attorney daily–and he said the earliest I could expect the call was Friday. I of course locked Friday in my brain as the day we would be leaving and had everything crossed it would happen! There was an issue at the hospital with the circumcision (long story but they could not do it)…. and so I had an appointment to have it done in a clinic that Thursday. We had an appointment to see the local pediatrician as well the same day. So that gave us something to do for one day, now we just needed to fill Monday-Wednesday and then home on Friday! What a plan!

We got back to the hotel and went up to our room to get settled. I set up my “nursery” for the next week. I found a place to keep diapers and wipes, set up a bottle & formula area, and laid out the travel baby bassinet I had stuffed into my suitcase. I had borrowed the Moby wrap from one of my best girlfriends and had visions (me and my visions) of carrying my baby all around in the wrap everywhere we went. I had even practiced using it before I left with a teddy bear and a youtube video so I would look like I knew what I was doing! We decided to take a little walk just down to the hotel lobby. I put on my Moby, put Riley on my chest, and we headed downstairs. We walked around a bit and found a place to sit and watch tv. My dad had a cup of coffee and I found my diet coke.  My dad went and got us Subway for dinner, and we ate in the room, taking turns holding Riley. Although it wasn’t the ideal circumstances, we were making the best of it. For the next 2 days, we did a lot of the same… maybe an outing to Walmart, walks around the hotel, and Papa watching golf with a sleeping baby so I could go downstairs and get a quick workout in.The Warriors were in the play offs and my dad and I would attempt to watch each night. We kept the volume very quiet (or even on mute) and tried to turn Riley so that he would not see the light.  Riley wanted no part of the travel bassinet and slept right next to me every night. He was up every 1-2 hours crying either to eat or because his tummy seemed to be bothering him (a struggle that went on for months). My dad jumped up every time to help! Needless to say there was not a lot of sleeping going on. But my dad was a trooper and the bond between him and Riley was growing already.

Thursday came faster then I expected. The three of us were actually enjoying our time together–even though we of course could not wait to get home. I had no idea what to expect at the appointment for the circumcision, and without going into too much detail–it was HORRIBLE! Not because of anything the doctors or nurses did wrong—just because I had to hold him down and it was quite traumatic. He was a CHAMP and although he screamed bloody murder the entire time, he calmed down right away when they were done and drank his bottle. We headed back to the hotel until our afternoon appointment with the pediatrician. That appointment was great! She said that he was perfectly healthy-he had not lost any weight, all his numbers were great and he was completely safe to travel. So now we had everything we needed and were just waiting on that call. I had continued to check in every day with the attorney (who I am pretty sure was hiding from me) and it looked like we were not going home on Friday. He said best case scenario–they would finish the paperwork by end of day Friday–but there was a chance we would need to wait until the following week (it all depended on how busy they were Friday in the office). We decided to check out of the hotel we were staying at and relocate to a hotel closer to the airport. This way we would be ready to go as soon as the call came through. So Friday morning, we got up early, checked out of our hotel, made a quick trip to Wal-mart and hit the road!

Riley slept the whole way there (and momma fell asleep too). We checked in and got settled. We had big hopes that we would get the call and be able to fly home Saturday. I had already looked up the flight and there was one leaving at 6:30 AM Saturday morning. My dad left the hotel about 3 to go and return the rental car. We were less than 5 miles away from the airport and would just take a shuttle to to get there. Almost as soon as he walked out the door, my phone rang. I looked down and recognized the number right away. IT WAS THE CALL! WE WERE GOING HOME!!!!! I called my dad on his cell phone the minute I hung up screaming with happiness!!! I then called my mom and my brother to tell them the news–we would be on the airplane tomorrow morning! I went online and booked our flight home. The flight was at 6:30 which meant we needed to leave the hotel by 5:15 to allow plenty of time to check in, go through security, and get on board! It had been a very special week with my sweet boy and my Daddy–but all three of us were ready to go home!

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Preparing for “Peanut”

Once the match was official and the home study update was in motion, Phase 2 was off and running. There were still a lot of logistics to figure out and preparations to be made. The birth mother lived in North Carolina and the estimated due date was May 21. She told me she had been at least a week late with her other children and felt like this one was going to be the same way.  I knew I probably had a little extra time, but there was no way to be sure. I did not want to get there too early and not only have nothing to do (when I had an entire nursery to put together and shopping to do for my baby here at home) but I was also going to lose pay at work. I teach first grade and we were still over a month away from ending the school year. There is no such thing as maternity leave for adoptive parents and my school district offers a 20 day adoption leave at half-pay. Then I had to exhaust my 10 sick days before being unpaid.  Most importantly, I REALLY did not want to be there too late and miss the birth. I reached out to the agency for advice and they really had no advice. They said it was completely up to me.  The other tricky part was there were two possible hospitals she was going to deliver at depending on how soon she went into labor. That played a huge part in what airport I flew into and what hotel I booked. My mom was going to fly with me, and we were so unsure of when to leave. I had no choice but to “wait and see” as the due date got closer.

I told my principal right away that I had been chosen and she (as well as my entire faculty) were very supportive. We decided that my last day with my kids would be Friday, May 17. Even if I did not leave for North Carolina that weekend, I had so much to do to prepare for my sweet baby to arrive home. This meant that I would not be able to finish the school year with my class, which is something that I had never done before. This felt so strange and was the first time I realized that I was no longer just the “school mom” I was going to be mom to a sweet little angel very soon. Every decision I make from now on was going to be in the best interest of that little person.

Telling my students about the adoption was a very special experience as well. I read them the book “A Mother For Choco” by Keiko Kasza and then explained what adoption meant. I told them that I was going to be mom to a sweet baby in North Carolina who was going to be born in the next few weeks. They had so many questions–“Are you married? Who is the dad? Where is North Carolina? Are you coming back? Is it a boy or a girl? What is the name?”  I answered each one in the most genuine (and kid friendly) way possible. We went on the map and I showed them where California was and we drew a line to North Carolina…. I told them that I did not know yet if it was a boy or a girl, so we would call the baby “Peanut”. They loved that and were truly so excited for Peanut to come! I even set up a facebook group called Peanut so my friends and family could follow as I anticipated, prepared, and once again waited. The faculty through me a shower the Thursday before I left and my class through me one on my last day. I felt showered with love and support. I left school that Friday afternoon feeling so excited, yet still so anxious and nervous… We still had no flights  or hotels booked, and I had not even begun to pack or set up the nursery.

Thanks to some amazing friends and family, the nursery came together quickly. I was honored to be able to use the crib that my parents had bought for two little cousins who are now 8 and 10. One of my best girlfriends loaned me her infant car seat and base for the airplane, her bassinet, and a collection of other necessities for traveling with a newborn. One of my other best girlfriends took me to Babies’r’us to create my registry….and another one created a Target registry for me! I could never express how thankful I am to have such an incredible circle of girlfriends.

So now I just needed to figure out when to leave, where to fly into, and where to stay… It had to be a one way flight because once the baby was born, I would have to wait for everything to be legalized in North Carolina and then sent to California before I could return home. Simple right?! And so the SLEEPLESS nights began! I literally texted the birth mom every single day and she kept telling me she felt no movement and really didn’t think the baby was coming anytime soon. As each day passed I got more and more nervous. Finally, on Thursday, May 25, my dad said he thought it was better my mom and I just book our flight and leave. We decided we would leave Sunday morning. That would get us there in plenty of time. If the baby was around a week late, it would be perfect timing. We booked a hotel close to the airport and decided we would just hang out there until I got the call she was in labor. I went to bed Thursday night feeling a sense of relief. Worst case, my mom and I would have a few extra bonding days and I could work on my report cards for school!

Friday morning, I woke up early and headed to the gym. I stopped at Starbucks on my way home and got coffee for my brother and I. I was going to spend the day packing the rest of my suitcase, and doing any last minute shopping before our flight on Sunday. As I was pulling into my driveway, my cell phone rang. It was 7:00 AM and it was the birth mother’s number. I answered the phone and she said, “I think we have a baby coming today!”

I SCREAMED OUT LOUD! WHAT?! Today?! From that moment on I went into momma mode. My baby was coming and I needed to be there. I ran into the house, threw my purse on the floor and told my brother I needed to go to the airport–my baby was on the way! He looked at me like I was nuts. I was literally standing in my gym clothes, not showered, and a sweaty mess. I ran into my room, threw a toothbrush in my suitcase and zipped it up. I grabbed the car seat and my brother and I jumped in his car to go to the airport. I called my parents and told them the baby was coming and I needed to go. They were still in their pajamas and a little stunned. I hung up and called United Airlines to book the next available flight. We were driving in the car at 7:20 and the flight I booked was for 8:40. My heart was racing…. I still have no idea how I made it on that flight on time (or in one piece), but I as the plane took off, I let out a sigh of relief. Here I come my sweet baby! IT WAS THE LONGEST 5 HOURS OF MY LIFE!!!!! It didn’t help that I still had not showered–but I tried my best to distract myself. I had my laptop and booked a rental car online for when I got off the plane. I knew I would spend the next day or so at the hospital so I was not worried at this point about a hotel.

Five hours later, the plane touched down in Raleigh, North Carolina. I had obviously never been there before, had no idea where I was going, and was all by myself. The minute I turned on my phone, there was a voicemail from the birth father. The baby had been born when I was on the airplane. I started to cry. This was exactly what I had been so worried about… why had I had waited so long to leave. There was one thing I was sure of, my baby would NEVER have to wait for me again. I was on a mission and would not stop until I got there. I ran to baggage claim, took a shuttle to the rental car facility, and then google mapped the name of the hospital. It was another 90 minutes to get to the hospital according to my phone. I called the birth father in the car and he told me everyone was healthy and doing well. He asked if I wanted to know the sex or if I wanted to wait and be surprised when I got there. I told him I could not wait…. “IT’S A BOY” were the next words I heard. It felt unreal. I had a son?! The moment I waited for my whole life… My sweet baby boy was waiting for me. I am on my way PEANUT!

 

 

 

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Adoption Phase 1… preparing and waiting, and waiting, and wishing….

Once I made my decision and chose the agency I was going to work with, things started moving quickly. The entire process was broken down into 3 Phases (Phase 1, Phase 2, and Phase 3). Simply put, Phase 1 was everything before the match, Phase 2 started as soon as the match was made, and Phase 3 was all of the post adoption services.

Phase 1 was very overwhelming for me. I had no idea just how much had to be done in order to adopt a baby. I always envisioned that once I chose and agency and said I wanted to adopt a baby, they would connect me with a newborn who needed a mom. That could not have been farther from the truth. The very first thing I had to do was create a profile book. This was basically a 4 page (front to back–so really 8 pages) booklet all about me and why she should choose me to raise her unborn child. They called it a “sneak peak” into my life. HOLY ANXIETY!!!! I was terrified of not saying or showing the right things. I worked with a graphic designer who specialized in adoption profiles to help me with pictures and wording. That alone took me a couple of weeks to complete. After it was completed, I had to have 250 color copies sent to the agency to present to birth mothers. At the same time, I had to begin my home study.  This was a very extensive process including 2 separate interviews, a home visit, fingerprinting, a physical exam,  DMV records, background check, letters of recommendation, and a whole lot more paperwork. I am forever grateful to my twin brother who had to go through the whole process with me since he lived in the home and was over 18 years of age. He was such a trooper through the whole thing!

After these things were done, I was officially “waiting” to be chosen. I would receive an email on the 10th of every month, with a list of names of birth moms who saw my profile. Next to each name it said one of the following: not yet chosen, chosen but not matched, matched, decided to parent, fallen out of the system….. “Not yet chosen” means that the birth mother had not chosen an adoptive family yet.  “Chosen but not yet matched” means that the birth mom has chosen a family, but they still need to decide if they “choose” her back (all adoptive families are presented with the profile of the birth parents and get to decide if they would like to move forward). “Matched” means that the birth mother and the adoptive family are moving forward together and on to Phase II. “Fallen out of the system” means that the birth mother was either taken out of the system for some reason, or has disappeared and “decided to parent” means the birth mother has chosen to parent her child and is no longer in the program.

This went on for 3 years… on the 10th of every month, I would wait to receive my email with the list of names of women who had not chosen me. It was very hard not to take it personal and wonder if there was something wrong with my profile. Did I include the right pictures? Was my dear birth mom note sincere enough? Is it because I am single? These questions haunted me every month for almost 3 years. I called the agency a few different times to ask if I should change things. I had seen that the average wait was between 12-24 months, and here I was going on year 3. After the first year, a friend of mine suggested that I start making a vision of what life would be like when I was chosen. She told me to begin to buy things for the baby and maybe even set up an area of the nursery. The knit beanie that is in the picture above is something I found at a Christmas craft fair and for some reason, I just needed to have it. I brought it home and laid it on the pillow next to mine on my bed. Every night from then on, I would stick my hand inside the beanie as I fell asleep and whisper goodnight to my baby. There were many nights that tears streamed down my face as I laid there and there were other nights when I fell asleep smiling, knowing that one day my sweet baby would be laying next to me.