As I walked through the park with my sweet boy today, I was reflecting back on my emotional journey to motherhood and trying to figure out where to start with this blog…. I feel like I am so behind–and there is so much to say… As Julie Andrews sings in my favorite movie, the Sound of Music, “Let’s start at the very beginning…”
I started the adoption process 4 years ago, however, I have dreamed of being a mom since I was a little girl. I used to dress up my cat as a baby and push him around in a stroller. I remember very clearly the day my best friend’s little sister was born when we were in fourth grade. I was so excited to go to her house and remember always wanting a baby brother or sister (I do have a twin brother who is my best friend, but when I was little dreamed of a baby in the house). As I got older, my love for children only grew stronger. I was babysitting in the 8th grade, my first job was in a daycare, and I chose teaching as my profession. I took care of my two cousins (now 10 and 8) almost every summer since the day they were born. As my friends began to have children, I proudly took on the role of Auntie Shanny and I love each one of them like my own. Even in the classroom, I tell my students that I am their school mom, and truly mean it. I knew in my heart that one day I would be a mom too–and was just never sure when that day would come.
When I turned 35, I decided that I was ready to be a mom, even though I was still single. After a lot of reflection, I decided that I was going to go through the IVF process. The details of this story will be shared in another entry, but the IVF failed and I was given the devastating news that there is an 80% chance I cannot have children. The only way to find out, would have been to start the IVF process all over again and I had to really sit down and decide if I wanted to put my body and mind through that again. I remember feeling empty, lost, and confused. All I ever wanted was to be a mom and I felt like it would never happen. I took some time to grieve and reflect… Then I distinctly remember waking up one morning and feeling different. There was something inside of me that came alive… All this time, I had been so focused on trying to have a baby—and then I realized how many children I have loved as my own my whole life. It is then that I realized a child does not have to grow inside of me in order for me to be a mom. I knew at that moment there was a child out there who needed a mommy–and that adoption was my path.
And so my journey began. I had thought about adoption many times in the past, but really didn’t know much about it or where to begin. Did I want a closed adoption or an open adoption? Do I go the foster to adopt route or use a private agency? How long will I need to wait? If I decide to use a private agency, how do I choose which one? Does it matter that I am single? The list goes on and on…. I was so blessed to be surrounded by some incredible women who had adopted themselves and they guided me in the right direction. After much research I decided to go with an open adoption and use a private agency (I learned so much during this research and can’t wait to share in another post). I chose an agency and now I knew it was only a matter of time that my dream of holding my sweet baby would come true. It is hard to believe that was over 4 years ago. I can’t wait to share all I learned a long the way!