Tag: child

Posted on

The Elephant

Life has been a little chaotic for the past few months and I have not written in awhile. I have a very special student this year in first grade who needs a lot of extra support and  23 other students who also need a lot of support in various ways–academics, social emotional, and some even just basic needs. Since I am at work all day, I spend every waking moment I can with my guy when I get home… and if I’m being honest, often crash at night before 8:30 p.m.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, my brother Dan did our Christmas photo shoot in the garage. Who needs JCPenney’s when your brother is a talented photographer! This will be the second Christmas for my sweet Riley and I. He is growing so fast and will be 19 months old at the end of the month. Time is flying by!!!! I didn’t think much of the fact that we had included the light up elephant in our photo until someone asked Dan at work about it. He had seen an elephant in a few pictures with Riley and asked what the significance of the elephant was. It was then that I realized just how symbolic the elephant had been throughout my journey to motherhood, and how much the symbol had evolved over the course of 5 years.

I have honestly always loved elephants–Dumbo, Horton, and even the elephants at the zoo–there was always something about them that struck a cord in my heart. When I began my journey to motherhood almost 5 years ago–I knew it would be a little more difficult as a single woman. At that time, I was living on a teacher’s salary, and was living in a 2 bedroom condo with my twin brother. I was obviously working full time and knew that childcare would be an added expense I may not be able to afford. I have always been a planner and make sure to have all my ducks in a row before I begin any venture. Becoming a mother was no different. I made a checklist of the things I needed to have in place before I could move forward. Here is a snapshot of that list:

  • Supplemental Income
  • Child care
  • Bigger house (my brother had made it clear that where we were living would be too small for 3 of us, and I could not afford to live on my own with a little one on the way)
  • Selling my condo (in order to look for a bigger house–which at that time we hoped to find a duplex, I needed to sell the condo I had purchased in 2008).
  • Finances to pay for sperm donor (which later turned into finances to pay for IVF, & then adoption–but on my initial list they were obviously not there)

This is just a snapshot of the things that I wrote down and then I began to check them off. It was right about this time, that my two life long friends introduced me to Rodan + Fields. At the time, I had no interest in selling skincare, but did know that I needed to have some form of supplemental income. 5 years later it was the best decision of my life and the reason I was able to afford the adoption process and stay home an extra 6 weeks with my sweet boy. I am lucky enough to have an incredible family who took care of item number 2! My retired parents told me that I would never have to worry about paying for any kind of childcare-they would be there for me every step of the way! I put my condo up on the market and it sold in 5 days for over the asking price. As I have mentioned before, we were unable to purchase a home of any kind in the crazy market, but we did find a 3 bedroom house in a quiet neighborhood to rent in (we are still on this street now). Beginning my skincare business and selling my condo took care of the financial part of the journey. So on paper I was ready! I had done all my homework, checked off all the boxes, and was ready!

Little did I know that unlike the other areas in my life–where studying, hard work, preparation, and determination led to success–fertility was a whole different journey. I found out quickly, that my rode to motherhood would not go as smoothly as I imagined it. The first road I went down was IUI–only to find out that I had a blocked fallopian tube and non responsive ovaries. It was at this time that my good friend, and fellow single momma, gifted me a ceramic elephant. She told me it was a symbol of fertility.  WOW! WOW! WOW! No wonder I had felt a connection to this beautiful animal my entire life. All I had ever dreamed of was being a mom and my connection to the elephant made perfect sense! With IUI ruled out as an option—I began to research IVF. I found an amazing fertility doctor and acupuncturist who gave me so much hope! It was a long, emotional journey and that elephant sat right on my nightstand through the whole thing. I remember looking at it each night before I went to sleep and whispering a secret “please help me”…. Not only did the IVF attempt fail, I was also told that there was an 80% chance I would be unable to conceive on my own. My world felt like it was shattering around me. I felt like a failure and almost unfeminine. I felt angry and resentful. I came home that night after receiving the news, and put that ceramic elephant in a drawer–slamming it shut through tear filled eyes.

As you know, my journey did not end here. Although there was that 20% chance of being able to successfully conceive a child, I did a lot of self reflecting and decided I wanted to adopt. And after 3 emotional years, I finally received that call… I had been chosen! I have told that story in great detail in previous posts. I had only 2 weeks to prepare for the birth and did not know if the baby was a boy or a girl. When I explained to my first grade class why I would be leaving them a month early from the school year, one of the first questions was, “It is a boy or a girl?” I told them I did not know and that we would call the baby “Peanut Twomey”. It just came out of my mouth–and I am still unsure why or how. There were two amazing moms in my class who threw me a last minute baby shower and guess what the theme was? Elephants and peanuts filled my room–decorations, plates, napkins, cups–you name it, that elephant was back. And at the time, I didn’t think much of it. I created a “Baby Peanut” private Facebook group for my friends and family to follow our journey and the elephant symbol stuck. Riley’s coming home onesie said “Welcome home peanut” with a picture of an elephant and a peanut.

After arriving home, one of Riley’s first gifts was a stuffed elephant from my cousin Debbie. He loved it! A few weeks later, a dear friend came over with the Flappy the Elephant (Gund) that sings and moves to “Do your Ears Hang Low”. If he didn’t already love elephants, he sure did now! And I have given this gift to every new mother since! 18 months later, Riley still gets a huge smile on his face every time he sees it! And so it was, the elephant became a symbol of happiness and joy in our house.

When it came time to plan his first birthday… I of course went with elephants! My extremely talented friend painted him a HUGE Dumbo backdrop and I went with the Circus theme. Although my brother deemed it too cheesy and he wore it under his outfit at his party, I did go on Etsy and buy him a personalized elephant onesie for his big day! His smile lit up the park when he saw his Dumbo themed cake and backdrop. Every time he sees an elephant, he points and makes the sound my mom taught him that an elephant makes (I wish this had sound so you could hear–it’s priceless)! I went on a field trip with my class in October to the Oakland Zoo, and could not wait to visit the elephants! I even took video to come home and show Riley. As Halloween passed, and Christmas decorations began to fill the stores, it was an automatic when we passed the elephant at Target. Riley was beside himself and only after some careful negotiations did he allow us to put in on the porch. There was also no way it wasn’t going to be in our Christmas picture this year. But to be honest, I really didn’t think much about how this symbol had evolved over the past 5 years. It had gone from one of hope and faith, to one of suffering, loss, and devastation—and is now one of genuine love and happiness. As I have researched more about the symbolism of an elephant I found it is one of strength and good luck. When I look down at my sweet boy every night, I feel an overwhelming sense of strength and good fortune. And now when someone asks me what my favorite animal is… you can be sure I will answer an ELEPHANT!

Posted on

I Have a Dream

When I began the adoption process, one of the first things I had to do was complete a home study. I met with a social worker for an interview that lasted almost 2 hours. She asked me a lot of questions about my childhood, my adult life, my beliefs and parenting philosophies. It was a lot of information to give to someone who I had just met. I remember the day we sat down to meet so clearly–in particular one part of the interview that left me confused, anxious, and unsure of myself. She was asking me about the profile of the child that I wanted to adopt–gender, race, medical needs, etc…. My response was something like, “My dream is to be a mom… I don’t care if its a boy or a girl, and has green skin with purple polka dots”! Of course, this is not the answer that would go into the home study, but I made it very clear that I honestly had no preference on gender or race. My only concern (due to financial need) was the health of the baby. I wanted to make sure that I could provide any care that was needed–so that would need to be in my profile. After I gave my answer, the woman looked up at me and asked if I was sure I was open to a baby that was not the same race as me (caucasian). I told her I was 100% positive. She went on to question me about how I would provide life experiences for my child that exposed him/her to their culture and did I have people in my life of different races for my child to be around. She truly made me feel like I was inadequate to raise a child who was “different” than me. Little did she know—until I very clearly explained it to her—I am surrounded by people in my life of all different races, religions, and cultures. As a teacher, I have been so blessed to work with students and families from so many different backgrounds and stories. It is one of my favorite parts of teaching, and one of the main reasons I changed schools a few years ago. I really wanted to work with a more diverse community–and have learned so much the last 3 years. I truly honor and appreciate differences and strive to help my students love and appreciate not only each other, but their unique selves. Even after my long winded answer, I still had a sense that she felt I should check the white/caucasian box on my profile. I actually did revise my profile for  a brief amount of time after that interview and changed my preferences to be at least 50% caucasian. She made me so nervous and unsure. I wanted to be sure that I provided the very best environment for my sweet baby and she made me doubt that I could do that.

A few months after I completed my home study, I was feeling frustrated that I was not being viewed my more birth mothers. I scheduled a call with my case worker at the adoption agency to talk about how things were going. We had been on the phone for a few minutes and then she brought up my profile and preferences. She told me that the reason my profile was not being given out to more birth mothers, was because my preferences were limited. I got a pit in my stomach right away. I was nervous to share about what the social worker had said to me during my home study and that I felt forced into setting these limiting preferences. I took a deep breath and told her the story. When I was finished (and after a few tears) she told me she was so glad she had asked me about it. She said that she was always very confused by the preferences I had checked because it was so contradictory to the rest of my profile and life story. It was such a wonderful day when I was able to confidently tell her to check “open to all”!!! My sweet baby Riley was born on May 26. His birth mother is caucasian and his birth father is African American. He is absolutely beautiful inside and out.

My home study experience has been on my mind a lot this week. Anytime we are out and Riley sees a child with a baby doll, he always wants to hold and cuddle it. I was so excited to take him to Target the other day and get him a baby doll of his own. I had quite the collection of Cabbage Patch kids growing up and nothing makes me happier then to take one off the shelf for my own child! I put him in the cart and off we went to the doll aisle. As I browsed the shelf I realized that almost every doll on the shelf had white skin. It struck me in that moment that I had never paid much attention to skin color of the dolls on the shelf before. When I was a kid, all my cabbage patch kids, barbies, or dolls of any kind had white skin just like me. When I really think about it, most of the picture books I remember reading in school also had children who had the same color skin as me. I flashed back to the conversation I had with that social worker. We are  lucky enough to live in a diverse community and also have a very diverse circle of friends. Riley gets to interact with people from all different races, backgrounds, and family make-ups. I have never once worried that I am cheating him out of life experiences or exposure to his own culture. And then as I was standing in that aisle in Target, I began to look at the shelves with a new lens…as the mom of a bi-racial little boy. And my heart felt a little sad… I began to ask myself: Where are all the brown dolls, the black dolls, and the dolls that reflect the diverse world we live in?  As I thought about it even more, where were the dolls who were born with abnormalities or missing limbs?

As I have mentioned many times, I teach my students to love the uniqueness that makes them who they are and to appreciate our differences. When I changed school districts 3 years ago and began teaching at the school I am at now—I began to view education and the world with a new lens.  I have been able to walk in the shoes of children and families who face a much different reality then me. With the recent events in the world of politics, it’s been very eye opening and sometimes very disheartening to see how far we still have to go to be truly “open to all”. I am blessed to have some wonderful friends and colleagues in my life who are always researching, learning, and trying to make a difference. We empower our students to feel proud of themselves and respect and love each other. And I will raise my sweet boy to believe the very same things. My hope and my dream is that he will grow up in a world where he is judged by the content of his character and never by the color of his skin.

Posted on

Enjoy every moment

It has been a few weeks since my last post. As I have mentioned before, I teach first grade and it has been a very busy start to the year. After my sweet boy goes to bed, I am doing my skincare business. Needless to say, this is the first moment I have had to come on and write a new post.  My school district is on a modified year round calendar and today begins our 2 week Fall Break. Many people are traveling over the break and I got asked a lot about what my plans were. My answer was always the same… “I am waking up every morning with my sweet boy, and spending each day together”. We are not traveling anywhere and have no set plans.  I am hoping to take him to the zoo, the aquarium, and maybe even get him his first hair cut. That may sound boring to some, but I truly could not be happier.

There were many times I sat and thought about what my weekends, breaks, and summers would like if I had a child, and even cried many times wishing it was my reality. Every time I knew I was going to be on a break of any kind, I would make sure to find out if my cousins were off too or if any of my friends needed help with their munchkins. I called it “Shannycamp” and looked forward to it every year. On May 26, 2017 my dream came true and sweet Riley chose me to be his momma! Being a mom has really taught me what it means to enjoy every moment. Time goes by so fast and 16 months flew by.  I look back at pictures and relive all the love and joy we have shared already.  I rush home everyday to spend every minute I can with my guy before bedtime, and love the weekends! On Friday nights when I lay Riley in his bed, I whisper… momma gets to wake up with you Saturday and Sunday! Last Friday night, I was so excited to tell him that we get to wake up together every day for two weeks!

I have always been a person who has trouble living in the moment and just being still. I am always thinking about what is going to happen next or what I should be doing. I go to a yoga class and can never understand how people can be so focused for 60-90 minutes! I have tried meditation multiple times, and struggle to make it 5 minutes…. Being a mom has definitely not added more minutes in the day for yoga or meditation–and has in fact added to the list of things to think about, worry about and plan ahead for. But what is has done, is taught me to live in the moment–and as cliché as it sounds, enjoy every moment. I find myself just sitting with Riley on the floor reading a book, or looking at the elephant video I made him at the zoo, and just feel so lucky. I may not be getting everything right, and would be lying if I said that every day was easy–we are in the midst of TODDLERVILLE and days can be challenging! But there is one thing I know for sure–this little boy chose me to be his momma and it does not matter where we are or what we are doing–every day together is my favorite day.

Posted on

What a Difference a Year Makes

This past summer was much different then last summer.  Last year, my summer began on May 17. I got the call on May 9 that I had been chosen and Riley’s original due date was May 21. I met with my principal and we decided my last day of school would be Friday May 17. There was still almost a month left of school but I did not finish the year with my kids. I spent one week getting my house as ready as it could be and then rushed  off to North Carolina that Friday morning for the birth of my sweet boy. It ended up being a much more frantic departure and travel then I had hoped for, but I made it there safely and had him in my arms by 7:30 that night. My dad flew in the next day, and the three of us spent the next week in a hotel in North Carolina waiting for the call that we could come home.

I spent the rest of the summer bonding with my baby and adjusting to my new life as a mom. Even when I type those words “life as a mom”, my heart fills with joy… “Mom life” is something I have dreamed about forever! And believe me when I say it was a dream come true. But I would be lying if I said it was an easy first year. Riley was a very intense newborn. He had some tummy/temperament issues and I spent a lot of time trying to find ways to soothe and comfort him. There were many, many, (many, many, many) sleepless nights–and some equally challenging days where I felt like nothing I did was helping. I will never forget our second night in the hotel when he was only 4 days old. He woke up screaming and my dad and I both jumped out of bed. I tried to feed him and he kept screaming. He had already been changed so I knew it wasn’t that. I walked around the room rocking and shushing, bouncing and humming, and finally got him back to sleep. We actually went back to the hospital the next morning to visit our favorite nurse and ask for advice. She suggested a tummy wrap that I could warm in the microwave and wrap around his little tummy. I downloaded Dr. Karp’s Happiest Baby on the Block calming white noise album to my phone, and we went to Walmart to get the same formula they used at the hospital and gas drops.  These things worked a little, but nothing seemed to consistently work. I figured he was just getting adjusted to being out of the hospital and once we got home and into a routine, things would calm down.

Not much changed when we got home. He was not sleeping much and cried a lot.  I ended up in tears many times myself and felt like I was failing my little guy. It seemed like his tummy may be the reason he was so upset–so I tried anything and everything suggested. I tried about 5 different formulas and finally decided to try a hypoallergenic one for babies with milk allergies and colic. It seemed to help a little so I stayed with it. I also took him to the doctor and the pediatrician looked at me and said, “That’s part of being an infant. It sounds like he could have reflux.” I am still convinced he gave me the prescription so I would stop emailing him. The medicine seemed to help a bit-but weren’t great.  I spent hours and hours looking for ways to soothe him. I read Happiest Baby on the Block and did everything it said. I even purchased the special rocking crib that was supposed to help. He hated the car seat and the stroller, so those were no help either. We had two stability balls in the house and my brother would even stand in front of the fan on the stove in the kitchen. Needless to say, the first 8 months or so were rough. Don’t get me wrong–they were also filled with so much happiness and joy. I do not mean to make it sound like he cried all the time… He was just an intense baby and needed a lot of soothing. Nights were the hardest and like many new moms, I was exhausted. I remember people would tell me, “Don’t worry, it will get better at 4 months.” 4 months came and went and nothing changed… “Don’t worry–by 6 months, it will be better”… So I held on for 6 months…Not much change… It wasn’t until about 9-10 months that I can honestly say he was sleeping more peacefully and was not crying much at all. He was crawling all over the place and began to develop quite a little personality. By the time he turned 1 he started walking and has been on the move ever since!

Riley turned 15 months old last week, and is truly the happiest little boy! He has no allergies and no tummy issues at all. He loves to eat and is a great sleeper! He takes two solid naps a day and sleeps 11 hours a night!  That little smile lights up the room and it fills my heart to see him so happy. I have always loved the belly laugh of a baby—but hearing the belly laugh of your own child is indescribable. I run for my classroom at lunchtime to see his little face on face time, and rush home as soon as I can each afternoon to scoop him up and dance around the room! The smiles, the giggles, the hugs, the kisses–and yes even those grumpy moments–this is what I waited for and it was truly worth the wait!!!!

 

Posted on

Back to Work

It has been a few weeks since my last post. I was so flattered to have a few people message to ask where I have been. I am a first grade teacher and summer vacation came to an end. The school district I work for is on a modified year round calendar so our summer was only about 6 weeks. We got out in late June and I headed back the first week of August to prepare my classroom for a new bunch of bright-eyed munchkins.  It has taken me the last 2 weeks to get back in the swing of working every day and getting into a routine. The day begins about 4AM and I don’t stop moving until about 8:00 PM (and if I am being honest, the last two weeks, I have had a hard time keeping my eyes open much past 8:30)!

I loved every minute of my summer vacation with my sweet boy! Although I love being a teacher, being a mom is definitely what I love more than anything in the world. I know being a stay at home mom is not for everyone, but I can honestly say that it would be my dream.  One of the things that I worried most about when I decided to become a single mom was the financial part.  It is so expensive even just to live in the Bay Area–and when you add a child to that–it is only that much more. I knew that I would need to find a way to supplement my teaching salary if I was going to raise a child on my own.  It was at right about the same time that two of my life long friends presented me with an opportunity to start my own direct sales skin care business.  I knew ABSOLUTELY nothing about skin care or direct sales but the one thing I did know was that I would do ANYTHING to provide the best life for my future baby (this was almost 5 years ago when I had not even started the process yet). I had no idea where it would take me, but decided to jump in and give it a shot. It ended up being the best decision I could have made personally, professionally, and most of all financially. My business is what helped me pay for a lot of the expenses on my journey (with both IVF and adoption). My business is also what allowed me to stay home with my guy for an additional six weeks when summer was last year. My school district does not provide paid maternity leave, and I was told by the insurance company that I also could not claim disability since I did not actually give birth. This meant that the only leave I could take was under FMLA (Family Leave Act) for bonding with an adopted child. I would only receive half-pay from the school district after using up my 10 sick days. So with my skin care business, I could afford to take 6 weeks. This allowed me to be home with him until he was about 5 months old (I have lots more to say about how differently adoptive parents are treated–but that is for another post). It was such a gift to be home with him and it was the first time in my teaching career that I did not want to go back to work.

Needless to say, I could not wait for summer to come and it was even harder to go back this year.  I loved waking up every morning and looking over at the monitor knowing that I did not have to get up and go to work. I would listen for his little hum as he started to stir and then wait for him to sit up in his crib and wait quietly for me to come in. As soon as I opened the door, he would stick his hands on the edge of the crib and peek over with Sophie (his wub a nub pacifier) hanging out of his mouth.  I can always see the big smile from behind his binky.  I told him every morning how it was another momma and Ri Ri day and I didn’t have to go to work. He would look up at me, smile, and give me big hugs. There were many mornings, I got a little teary eyed as I held on tight for my morning squeezes.  We spent the summer going to parks, going on play dates, playing outside, and really enjoying our time together. When people ask me if I went anywhere this summer or what I did… my answer is always the same… “I just spent the summer loving up my sweet baby boy”.

Today was the end of the second week of school. This is my 14th year teaching and I have always been the teacher who comes early, leaves late, works at night while watching tv and works all weekend (in the classroom a lot of the time). Once Riley came into my life… all of that changed. It has been a huge adjustment to not be able to spend the same amount of time planning and prepping that I did before. I felt like I was failing as a teacher for much of last year, and am so thankful to have an amazing first grade team and colleagues who helped me get through my first year as teacher and mom. This year just started but already feels better. I am working more efficiently so that when I leave work, all my time is focused on my sweet boy. I leave every day right at 3:05 so I can get in every minute with him I can before bedtime.

I also could not end this post without talking about how truly blessed I am to have the unending support and love of my family. My mom and dad take care of Riley every single day when I am at work. They call me every day on face time at lunch, so I can say hello, and if he is asleep when I leave in the morning, I even get a good morning face time before the bell rings. My brother gets home every day before me, and comes right in to help. He is off on Fridays and lets me get up every Friday morning and go to the gym. Riley and I could not be luckier and don’t let a day go by without telling them how much we love and appreciate them.

So as I sit here at the end of week 2, I am feeling a range of emotions… I am feeling thankful for two jobs that I love…. appreciative and thankful to my supportive friends and colleagues for all they do for me… I am exhausted from the last two weeks… and I am invigorated and excited that I get to wake up tomorrow morning and spend the whole day with my boy!!!!

Posted on

Forming a Bond

A very good family friend sent this quote to me the night my sweet Riley was born. I had tears running down my face and onto the forehead of my sweet boy who was laying on my bare chest when I read the message. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, and had always envisioned that my child would grow inside of me. When I decided to adopt, I had no doubt in my mind that I would love this child with all my heart and soul… But there was a small little part of me that was so worried it would be harder to bond with my baby if he or she did not come from my womb. I remember sitting on the airplane feeling over the moon excited to meet my new baby–and still just couldn’t help but feel a little nervous as well. Questions continued to flood my brain as I made the long drive–and by this time I knew that a sweet baby boy was laying in that nursery. What if he cried when I held him? Would he look at me and see how much I loved him? Would I feel like his mom? Would we share the same bond that birth mothers have with their newborns? These are only a few of the many questions I asked myself over and over until I arrived.

The moment I pulled into the parking lot, the feeling in my gut changed… I was on my way to meet my son! MY SON! I was running at this point to get inside. When I got off the elevator and began walking down the hallway–I whispered over and over “here I come my sweet boy–momma’s here”. I could see him from the end of the hallway-laying there swaddled in his blanket with the little newborn beanie on his head. The moment I walked into the room and laid eyes on him, I can honestly say—it was love at first sight. The birth father let me pick him up right away. As I held him in my arms the first time, I leaned down close to his face, kissed him on the forehead and whispered, “I love you my sweet boy. You are my dream come true”. He looked right up at me and in that moment, I knew we were meant to be together. The universe truly had conspired to help us find each other and there was an instant bond.

I was also so very lucky to have some incredible nurses working on the floor the weekend Riley was born. They were very aware of the circumstances, and went out of their way to make sure our bonding time started right away. They let me have my own room, and began the skin to skin contact within an hour of me arriving. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, he slept quietly on my chest–and I never felt happier. The only time I took him off my chest that night was to feed him or change him. They actually had to force me to lay him in his crib as I dosed off to be sure that everyone was safe. I did little to no sleeping that night, and just watched him sleep. We stayed in the hospital for 2 more nights and then moved to the hotel with my dad.  Although living in a hotel with a newborn for a week was not the most ideal situation—it allowed for a lot of bonding time. Riley spent majority of his time being held by either my dad or I and slept right next to me every night. Looking back, it was such a special week and I feel so lucky to have had this time with him.

Since I am a teacher, and Riley was born at the end of May, it led right into my summer break. This left us another two months of bonding time. My school district does not offer paid maternity leave, and I found out the adoptive parents do not qualify for any disability since they did not actually give birth (I have lots more to say about that but will not here)… Under the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) I did qualify for up to 12 weeks to bond with my newborn child… however, as I mentioned before my district did not offer paid leave. I had to exhaust all of my sick time (10 days) and then received half-pay for whatever time I missed. This is a lot of the reason I started my skincare business 4 years ago. It allowed me to take 6 extra weeks with my sweet boy and receive half-pay at work. To be honest, I would have found a way no matter what. I knew this bonding time was so so important. I was able to spend every day at home with him until November 1 and cherished every minute. He was not the best sleeper (especially at night) so we spent a lot of time together. He spent a lot of the first 6 months crying and I continued to find ways to soothe and comfort him.  The bond between us grew stronger and stronger every day.

I am sitting here on Friday night, after our second summer together, and have tears in my eyes. I love my sweet boy more than words can express and truly feel like I love him more each day. He is almost 15 months old and beginning to talk more and more. Every time he looks at me and says “Momma” my heart explodes. I am 100% positive that the universe conspired to bring us together.

This post started with a quote and I wanted to end with another quote from the children’s book  The Giving Tree…. “and she loved a little boy very, very much, even more than she loved herself”.

Posted on

IVF misconceptions

One of the primary reasons I started this blog was to share information and help people understand my personal journey to motherhood. As I went through this very emotional journey, I learned so much–and sometimes struggled with feeling alone or misunderstood. It is my hope that by sharing my story and anything I learned along the way, I can help others to understand and even feel supported in their journey.

My brother shared this article with me a few days ago and it obviously hit home for me.  I wanted to share it here. I too had a lot of misconceptions about IVF until about 5 years ago when I was experiencing it myself. Since then, I have connected with so many other women (and couples), some in my own family, who face fertility issues and IVF is their only option to conceive. It is a very expensive journey and rarely covered by insurance. I learned a lot about the history of IVF and how it has evolved over the last 40 years.

IVF and Insurance 40 Years later

Posted on

Coming Home

This post needed multiple pictures! The first was taken at the boarding gate around 6:00 AM on Saturday morning at Raleigh airport. The alarm went off bright and early about 4:00 that morning.. although between waking up for feedings and the anxiety of traveling with a newborn– I don’t think either of us had slept much at all. My dad had booked the shuttle to be downstairs a little after 5 to make sure we left plenty of time for everything at the airport. There was no way we were going to miss that flight. Our hotel was less than a mile away from the airport, so it took no time at all to get there. We went to the check in desk and immediately people were turning and commenting on what a little guy we had. I was a little nervous about the check in process and we ended up with the sweetest lady! I had read that I may have to show my adoption paperwork and/or temporary birth certificate before being cleared… so I was ready with everything I needed. The minute I shared my brief story, her whole face filled with joy and she was nothing but kind and helpful. I had originally planned to take him out of the car seat (and check it in as baggage) and carry him in the Moby through the airport, but he was asleep. They told us we could bring the car seat onto the plane with us, and did not have to check it. My AMAZING dad (I can’t say that enough) carried him in the car seat through the security line and all the way to the gate! We sat down with plenty of time to spare (which is when we snuck in our selfie). My dad sat with little man while I went to get us coffee (much needed)! I had decided to put Riley in the Moby wrap before we got on the plane and keep him in there as long as possible. I was very nervous about germs, his ears, and pretty much anything else I could think of!!! Since we had an infant, we got to pre-board. I wrapped up my guy (who was asleep) and we boarded the plane. We had literally booked our flight about 12 hours before and got the last two seats–they were not next to each other. My dad was seated behind us. I had gotten a middle seat in between 2 men. OH was I nervous now–what if he screamed the whole way? What if I had to get up to change him or rock him? I was going to drive these men nuts! And my dad was behind me—ugh… I took a breath, and decided to ask the man on the aisle seat if he would be willing to trade seats with my dad. He agreed immediately and was so wonderful about it. The man in the window seat looked like he was in his mid 30’s and seemed friendly. I looked over and told him, “I promise we will do our best not to be annoying”. I could never have imagined a nicer human to be seated next to us! Not only did he tell me not to worry—we ended up chatting off and on the whole flight! I shared my story and he showed me pictures of his wife and son. We now follow each other on instagram and have stayed in touch. OK.. two problems solved… Now we just needed to get through take off, a 5 hour flight, the landing, and we were home (literally home) free….. MORE DEEP BREATHS….

There is not much to say about the flight besides, my sweet Riley is a CHAMP! He slept most of the way, and only woke up once or twice to eat. Not one tear the entire way and even let me change him in the airplane bathroom (which was not the easiest task but we did it).  I had never been so excited to hear the captain say, “We have arrived in San Francisco. Thank you for flying with us”. WE MADE IT! WE WERE HOME!!!! I was finally going to get to bring my sweet boy home to meet his Gammy and Uncle Dan!

That takes us to the last two pictures… My mom picked us up from the airport, and when I did not see my brother in the car, I felt disappointed. I asked where he was and she said he had gone grocery shopping. Little did I know, that when we pulled up, he would be standing outside with his camera and these balloons hanging outside! We walked through the door and there was this sign he had made hanging in the living room. I cried again (as did everyone).  The sign still hangs above the changing table in Riley’s room. We read it to him every time we changed his diaper for about 7 months!!! He will now often look up at it (actually stand and touch it) and say “Momma” and kiss the poster like my dad taught him to do when he was tiny. It melts my heart every time.

Riley was finally home. This was the moment I had been waiting for—and it truly was a dream come true.

 

Posted on

Papa’s HERE!

I am not going to lie….. the first 24 hours were amazing and wonderful and truly “magical” (as cliche as that sounds), there was a part of me that was so sad my family could not be there with me.  We had face timed, talked on the phone, and texted non stop the entire time, but it was just not the same. I left so suddenly on that Friday morning, I had to travel solo, and the next available flight did not get my dad there until Saturday morning. By the time he landed, rented his car, and made the drive to the hospital, it was about 8:30 Saturday night. I could not have been happier to see my Daddy and hand him his grandson!  This picture is the first time my dad held Riley! We were both in tears of course.. but happy tears…my parents had dreamed of becoming grandparents just as much as I dreamed of becoming a mom. A dream come true for all!

When I left California, I figured that I would be in North Carolina until the baby was discharged and then stay a night or two in the hotel and fly back home. When the attorney came to sign all the paperwork on Saturday afternoon, he informed me that I could not cross state lines until all the paperwork was finalized in North Carolina, fed-exed (they could not fax or email) to California, read over and approved by California, and then a call would be made telling me we could fly home. It was also Memorial Day weekend and he said it could delay the process. When I asked how long it would be he said I should plan to be in North Carolina for up to 14 days…. WHAT?! I hardly had clothes (or diapers, or formula, or underwear) for 4 days since I left so frantically, and I knew my dad thought we were flying home in the next day or so. And now I was going to live with a newborn in a hotel for up to 2 weeks! ANXIETY overload again!….. BREATHE Shannon–one more bump–we got this! Motherhood is all about being flexible and rolling with the punches… and I was getting a crash course for sure! My dad is the epitome of calm, cool, and relaxed and always says “We gotta do what we gotta do”. He told me not to worry and we would get through it together! And we did just that!

My dad stayed at a hotel close by the hospital Saturday and Sunday night while I was still allowed to stay with Riley. I am a bit of a health nut (and a picky eater if I am being honest)… and so not only did my dad show up every morning with food, he even managed to make sure it was all things that I would eat at home. He also brought me a toothbrush, soap, and diet coke!!! All the essentials for the new momma! Most importantly, he brought me a sense of calm–and is why he is my hero always!

Monday morning we were discharged from the hospital and headed for the hotel my dad was staying at. The three of us would now be roomies until we got the call that we were clear to cross state lines. This may sound silly, but I was so excited when they said that they would bring a wheel chair to roll Riley and I out of the hospital!!!!! That is what I always see the moms do and I hopped right in! I even made my dad take a picture! Off we went!

I would be lying if I said I was not a little anxious and worried about caring for a newborn in a hotel for an unknown amount of time. But just like the rest of the journey–I had to roll with the punches and stay positive.I was also checking in with the attorney daily–and he said the earliest I could expect the call was Friday. I of course locked Friday in my brain as the day we would be leaving and had everything crossed it would happen! There was an issue at the hospital with the circumcision (long story but they could not do it)…. and so I had an appointment to have it done in a clinic that Thursday. We had an appointment to see the local pediatrician as well the same day. So that gave us something to do for one day, now we just needed to fill Monday-Wednesday and then home on Friday! What a plan!

We got back to the hotel and went up to our room to get settled. I set up my “nursery” for the next week. I found a place to keep diapers and wipes, set up a bottle & formula area, and laid out the travel baby bassinet I had stuffed into my suitcase. I had borrowed the Moby wrap from one of my best girlfriends and had visions (me and my visions) of carrying my baby all around in the wrap everywhere we went. I had even practiced using it before I left with a teddy bear and a youtube video so I would look like I knew what I was doing! We decided to take a little walk just down to the hotel lobby. I put on my Moby, put Riley on my chest, and we headed downstairs. We walked around a bit and found a place to sit and watch tv. My dad had a cup of coffee and I found my diet coke.  My dad went and got us Subway for dinner, and we ate in the room, taking turns holding Riley. Although it wasn’t the ideal circumstances, we were making the best of it. For the next 2 days, we did a lot of the same… maybe an outing to Walmart, walks around the hotel, and Papa watching golf with a sleeping baby so I could go downstairs and get a quick workout in.The Warriors were in the play offs and my dad and I would attempt to watch each night. We kept the volume very quiet (or even on mute) and tried to turn Riley so that he would not see the light.  Riley wanted no part of the travel bassinet and slept right next to me every night. He was up every 1-2 hours crying either to eat or because his tummy seemed to be bothering him (a struggle that went on for months). My dad jumped up every time to help! Needless to say there was not a lot of sleeping going on. But my dad was a trooper and the bond between him and Riley was growing already.

Thursday came faster then I expected. The three of us were actually enjoying our time together–even though we of course could not wait to get home. I had no idea what to expect at the appointment for the circumcision, and without going into too much detail–it was HORRIBLE! Not because of anything the doctors or nurses did wrong—just because I had to hold him down and it was quite traumatic. He was a CHAMP and although he screamed bloody murder the entire time, he calmed down right away when they were done and drank his bottle. We headed back to the hotel until our afternoon appointment with the pediatrician. That appointment was great! She said that he was perfectly healthy-he had not lost any weight, all his numbers were great and he was completely safe to travel. So now we had everything we needed and were just waiting on that call. I had continued to check in every day with the attorney (who I am pretty sure was hiding from me) and it looked like we were not going home on Friday. He said best case scenario–they would finish the paperwork by end of day Friday–but there was a chance we would need to wait until the following week (it all depended on how busy they were Friday in the office). We decided to check out of the hotel we were staying at and relocate to a hotel closer to the airport. This way we would be ready to go as soon as the call came through. So Friday morning, we got up early, checked out of our hotel, made a quick trip to Wal-mart and hit the road!

Riley slept the whole way there (and momma fell asleep too). We checked in and got settled. We had big hopes that we would get the call and be able to fly home Saturday. I had already looked up the flight and there was one leaving at 6:30 AM Saturday morning. My dad left the hotel about 3 to go and return the rental car. We were less than 5 miles away from the airport and would just take a shuttle to to get there. Almost as soon as he walked out the door, my phone rang. I looked down and recognized the number right away. IT WAS THE CALL! WE WERE GOING HOME!!!!! I called my dad on his cell phone the minute I hung up screaming with happiness!!! I then called my mom and my brother to tell them the news–we would be on the airplane tomorrow morning! I went online and booked our flight home. The flight was at 6:30 which meant we needed to leave the hotel by 5:15 to allow plenty of time to check in, go through security, and get on board! It had been a very special week with my sweet boy and my Daddy–but all three of us were ready to go home!

Posted on

Preparing for “Peanut”

Once the match was official and the home study update was in motion, Phase 2 was off and running. There were still a lot of logistics to figure out and preparations to be made. The birth mother lived in North Carolina and the estimated due date was May 21. She told me she had been at least a week late with her other children and felt like this one was going to be the same way.  I knew I probably had a little extra time, but there was no way to be sure. I did not want to get there too early and not only have nothing to do (when I had an entire nursery to put together and shopping to do for my baby here at home) but I was also going to lose pay at work. I teach first grade and we were still over a month away from ending the school year. There is no such thing as maternity leave for adoptive parents and my school district offers a 20 day adoption leave at half-pay. Then I had to exhaust my 10 sick days before being unpaid.  Most importantly, I REALLY did not want to be there too late and miss the birth. I reached out to the agency for advice and they really had no advice. They said it was completely up to me.  The other tricky part was there were two possible hospitals she was going to deliver at depending on how soon she went into labor. That played a huge part in what airport I flew into and what hotel I booked. My mom was going to fly with me, and we were so unsure of when to leave. I had no choice but to “wait and see” as the due date got closer.

I told my principal right away that I had been chosen and she (as well as my entire faculty) were very supportive. We decided that my last day with my kids would be Friday, May 17. Even if I did not leave for North Carolina that weekend, I had so much to do to prepare for my sweet baby to arrive home. This meant that I would not be able to finish the school year with my class, which is something that I had never done before. This felt so strange and was the first time I realized that I was no longer just the “school mom” I was going to be mom to a sweet little angel very soon. Every decision I make from now on was going to be in the best interest of that little person.

Telling my students about the adoption was a very special experience as well. I read them the book “A Mother For Choco” by Keiko Kasza and then explained what adoption meant. I told them that I was going to be mom to a sweet baby in North Carolina who was going to be born in the next few weeks. They had so many questions–“Are you married? Who is the dad? Where is North Carolina? Are you coming back? Is it a boy or a girl? What is the name?”  I answered each one in the most genuine (and kid friendly) way possible. We went on the map and I showed them where California was and we drew a line to North Carolina…. I told them that I did not know yet if it was a boy or a girl, so we would call the baby “Peanut”. They loved that and were truly so excited for Peanut to come! I even set up a facebook group called Peanut so my friends and family could follow as I anticipated, prepared, and once again waited. The faculty through me a shower the Thursday before I left and my class through me one on my last day. I felt showered with love and support. I left school that Friday afternoon feeling so excited, yet still so anxious and nervous… We still had no flights  or hotels booked, and I had not even begun to pack or set up the nursery.

Thanks to some amazing friends and family, the nursery came together quickly. I was honored to be able to use the crib that my parents had bought for two little cousins who are now 8 and 10. One of my best girlfriends loaned me her infant car seat and base for the airplane, her bassinet, and a collection of other necessities for traveling with a newborn. One of my other best girlfriends took me to Babies’r’us to create my registry….and another one created a Target registry for me! I could never express how thankful I am to have such an incredible circle of girlfriends.

So now I just needed to figure out when to leave, where to fly into, and where to stay… It had to be a one way flight because once the baby was born, I would have to wait for everything to be legalized in North Carolina and then sent to California before I could return home. Simple right?! And so the SLEEPLESS nights began! I literally texted the birth mom every single day and she kept telling me she felt no movement and really didn’t think the baby was coming anytime soon. As each day passed I got more and more nervous. Finally, on Thursday, May 25, my dad said he thought it was better my mom and I just book our flight and leave. We decided we would leave Sunday morning. That would get us there in plenty of time. If the baby was around a week late, it would be perfect timing. We booked a hotel close to the airport and decided we would just hang out there until I got the call she was in labor. I went to bed Thursday night feeling a sense of relief. Worst case, my mom and I would have a few extra bonding days and I could work on my report cards for school!

Friday morning, I woke up early and headed to the gym. I stopped at Starbucks on my way home and got coffee for my brother and I. I was going to spend the day packing the rest of my suitcase, and doing any last minute shopping before our flight on Sunday. As I was pulling into my driveway, my cell phone rang. It was 7:00 AM and it was the birth mother’s number. I answered the phone and she said, “I think we have a baby coming today!”

I SCREAMED OUT LOUD! WHAT?! Today?! From that moment on I went into momma mode. My baby was coming and I needed to be there. I ran into the house, threw my purse on the floor and told my brother I needed to go to the airport–my baby was on the way! He looked at me like I was nuts. I was literally standing in my gym clothes, not showered, and a sweaty mess. I ran into my room, threw a toothbrush in my suitcase and zipped it up. I grabbed the car seat and my brother and I jumped in his car to go to the airport. I called my parents and told them the baby was coming and I needed to go. They were still in their pajamas and a little stunned. I hung up and called United Airlines to book the next available flight. We were driving in the car at 7:20 and the flight I booked was for 8:40. My heart was racing…. I still have no idea how I made it on that flight on time (or in one piece), but I as the plane took off, I let out a sigh of relief. Here I come my sweet baby! IT WAS THE LONGEST 5 HOURS OF MY LIFE!!!!! It didn’t help that I still had not showered–but I tried my best to distract myself. I had my laptop and booked a rental car online for when I got off the plane. I knew I would spend the next day or so at the hospital so I was not worried at this point about a hotel.

Five hours later, the plane touched down in Raleigh, North Carolina. I had obviously never been there before, had no idea where I was going, and was all by myself. The minute I turned on my phone, there was a voicemail from the birth father. The baby had been born when I was on the airplane. I started to cry. This was exactly what I had been so worried about… why had I had waited so long to leave. There was one thing I was sure of, my baby would NEVER have to wait for me again. I was on a mission and would not stop until I got there. I ran to baggage claim, took a shuttle to the rental car facility, and then google mapped the name of the hospital. It was another 90 minutes to get to the hospital according to my phone. I called the birth father in the car and he told me everyone was healthy and doing well. He asked if I wanted to know the sex or if I wanted to wait and be surprised when I got there. I told him I could not wait…. “IT’S A BOY” were the next words I heard. It felt unreal. I had a son?! The moment I waited for my whole life… My sweet baby boy was waiting for me. I am on my way PEANUT!