family - Worth my Wait

October 19, 2019

Fall Break with my boy

I am sitting here watching my little man fast asleep during nap time… and just finished my daily meditation focused on appreciation. I found myself reflecting and journaling a lot about the last 2 weeks I have been able to spend with Riley. My school district is on a modified year round schedule and we have a two week break in October. Although I do not like a shorter summer, I am so thankful for this bonus time with my boy in October.

I could not write this post without first mentioning the amazing and unending support and love of my family. Riley is so very lucky (as am I) to have his Gaga and Papa watch him every day when I am at work full time. Even when I am on break, they are still there to help and for that I am so appreciative. Riley went to their house every morning for breakfast–and not just any old breakfast–home made GOODNESS–ranging from french toast, to scrambled eggs and cheese, even a breakfast quesadilla one day! He loves his Papa Toast (toast with cheese and butter–but Gaga has to eat off all the crust) and gets very excited to be with them every morning. Mama gets to go to the gym, listen to my latest audio book (Super Attractor) and get in some work for my at home businesses. I am blessed to have my skincare business and was able to do some in person skin consultations as well as some coaching and mentoring of team members. I also just started a new endeavor working with families to build financial literacy and is has been so rewarding. I was able to sit down with some people and help them set up their finances for the rest of their lives…. something I never imagined I would be doing but truly love it! A few hours of work and my Riley was back to momma by 11ish! We ate our lunch together and played until nap time. Mama spent most nap times checking back in on the business or other BORING ADULT activities waiting for my partner in crime to wake up!!! I mentioned in my last post about how his little mind is developing faster then I can keep up with. He is just about two and a half and very verbal. He has quite a little mind of his own and a big personality. It is a BLAST to hang out with him!

Ever since the Halloween decorations were out in stores (which I must remind you was in August in some places), Riley has been celebrating. We made daily visits to the “pop up boo store” as he calls the Halloween store, as well as Colma and Westlake Home Depot–and yes, he does actually say “Colma” or “Westlake” when he asks to visit one. We often visit these stores in costume. Even though Riley is 100% positive that him, Guncle, and I will all be dressed up as Hulkie (we have matching hooded sweatshirts) on Halloween, we have somehow managed to accumulate Buzz Lightyear, Captain America, Black Panther, Darth Vader, and Owl-ette (PJ Masks character) costumes as well as other various ears, wings, and masks on any given day. HE ABSOLUTELY LOVES Halloween and everything about it. He loves nothing more then to put on his costume and pretend to be whatever the character of the day (or hour) is. We are definitely getting our use out of each and every one and he looks ADORABLE in every one!

We spent a large part of the last two weeks just walking around the neighborhood looking at all the “boos”. We live in a wonderful neighborhood where Riley is very well known… and he is often handed a little piece of candy along our walk–and always given a high five or a big smile! We have become so close with a few of our neighbors he even calls them Auntie or Uncle and they invite us in whenever they see us. The other night we got home, and our neighbor across the street (who adores Riley) saw us pull up. He had just finished decorating the whole front lawn with blow up Halloween figures and other seasonal fun. Of course, Riley raced over there the minute we got out of the car and was running straight for the lawn. The neighbors around here take GREAT PRIDE in their front lawns and I cringe every time he tries to walk on them. My neighbor, quickly looked at me and said, “It’s fine, let him play–he loves it” as Riley not only ran across his lawn, but proceeded to embrace the giant skeleton in a hug! And it did not stop there. My neighbor sent him home with Halloween things to hang on our bushes, plastic pumpkins for trick or treating, and a wooden Happy Halloween sign to put in his room. This same neighbor gave him his very own tomato plant right off his front porch a few weeks ago because he thought it would be so fun for him. This morning we were outside riding his bike (yes, he is almost doing it by himself–eeek) and he saw another neighbor working on his car. He is very curious and loves to look through a tool chest or bag. I went to stop him and my neighbor stopped me and said, “Riley want to help me with my car? You can get a screwdriver”. The smile that emerged on his little face as he emptied out the whole tool bad said it all! He was absolutely thrilled and had a blast! I could go on forever with stories about the wonderful people we are surrounded by. Riley and I feel so very safe and loved and could not be more appreciative to live on our street.

And it would not be a vacation without a few fun adventures! We visited Lemos Farm in Half Moon Bay with Guncle and Auntie Nicole! This was our first visit to a true “pumpkin farm” setting. Riley hated the car and was a rough traveler for the first year or so, and I was always too nervous to try the Half Moon Bay trip. HE LOVED EVERY SECOND! He got to ride a pony for the first time (which made momma, auntie more nervous then him), feed the goats, tromp around in pumpkins, walk through the haunted house with Guncle, eat popcorn and a hulkie cookie, and ended his trip with a “Happy Mimi” (Happy Meal) from McDonald’s. Ironically, we did not come home with an actual pumpkin-but we did however get a DELICIOUS loaf of pumpkin bread.

This last week, we visited Guncle at work! He works at KRON 4 and this was Riley’s 3rd trip to see him. He was OVER THE MOON excited and had a blast running all over the set, sliding on the curved wall, and even got to sit at the anchor desk with James Fletcher! The people at KRON are always so patient and friendly as my busy and curious little man races around touching everything. It is a good thing we visit when the newscast is over!!!!

One of my favorite parts of being on break is catching up with friends who I do not get to see very often with busy schedules. We spent time with my best friend and her two kids (who Riley adores) at the park as well as some other very special people in my life. I have been teaching for 15 years, and am happy to say that I am still in touch with so many of the families. Just over the last 2 weeks, I have seen 4 of the families whose children I taught at some point. 3 of the girls are now in college–and have grown into amazing women. It brings my heart such joy to see them shower my Riley with love. I have said many times that my students have always been like children to me, so to see them interact with him is something I can’t put into words. One of these sweet girls will be watching Riley 2 days a week in November. My father has to have a surgery (he is ok) and my parents will not be able to watch him for a month as my dad recovers. I was so anxious because I have never had anyone but family watch Riley and reached out to Hannah and her family. They literally replied within minutes and said they were here to help in any way they could! I am again at a loss for words on how to express my appreciation and gratitude.

So now as I sit here on Saturday afternoon—and my Fall break is coming to an end, I could choose to feel angry and disappointed that I have to go back to work. However, that would serve no purpose. I spent a lot of time over this break focusing on personal development as well, and choose happiness and joy always. I feel so lucky to have had these two weeks with my sweet boy–who has truly grown into a little boy–and now so appreciative to go back to a job I love with colleagues who I love and appreciate. I get to drive to work each day knowing that Riley is in the best hands possible and being showered with love and laughter while I am away. So yes, Monday morning will be a little hard—but I will go to bed Sunday night with a smile on my face and gratitude in my heart.

July 15, 2019

Our First Family Vacation

I am still on a high from three of the best days of my life and it has EVERYTHING to do with the 4 humans you see in these pictures with me! I tried to capture the highlights of the trip in this slideshow, but it was so hard not to choose them all! We went on our first family vacation. It was actually our second but the first one was only a one night stay in Hollister so I am calling that more of a sleep over. We went to Twain Harte and it was a dream come true for so many reasons.

First and foremost, as you can see in that cover photo, we visited Columbia and took a family portrait Western style. The reason this was so special was because when I was a kid, my grandfather had a house in Columbia (about 20 miles from Twain Harte) and we spent at least 2 weeks there every summer. My family had taken a picture just like this one when my brother and I were even younger then Riley and I was thrilled to be able to do it again with him. We also took him to through the little gold mining town and bought matching cowboy hats! He is currently enthralled with Toy Story and all the characters… He was very excited to meet a real life cowboy and say “Howdy” like Woody. We found a few cowboy playing a guitar in the middle of town, and Riley was content to just sit and watch him all morning. He danced a long to the music and continued to say “Howdy” to the man (the man was so patient and kind–he played right a long and would answer back with Howdy every time). We even visited our favorite ice cream store that has not changed one bit in 40 years! When we were kids, we begged to walk down there every day and get a home made waffle cone with ice cream. So I could not wait to take him there to have an ice cream—he of course chose “Hulkie purple” (because Hulk’s pants are purple) and ate every bite. We left Columbia as it started to get hot and he fell fast asleep talking about cowboys and ice cream.

I also faced a HUGE fear of mine of mine taking this trip. When I decided to become a single mom, I honestly did not think I would ever travel again for a few reasons… First, I did not think I would be able to afford it. Living in the Bay Area and living on a single teacher income is tight already–I feared that with a child my greatest adventures may be to the grocery store or Target!!!! However, thanks to my Rodan + Fields business, I had the extra money to get away for a few days with my family. We are very simple travelers… and if I am being honest–the quiet country in a cabin is my gig! I don’t need to jump on an airplane and travel to a far away destination (although don’t get me wrong I do hope to some day) or stay in a fancy hotel with all the amenities to feel like I am on vacation. It probably came from the way I was raised, but growing up we spent most summers camping or at the cabins of our friends and family–swimming in lakes and pools, and eating ice cream cones together! To be able to begin this tradition with my sweet Riley is something I dreamed about. In fact, I am still best friends with all of my childhood friends we vacationed with and we are already planning a trip together next summer!

The BIGGEST concern and HORRIBLE fear I faced on this trip was the monster living in…MY OWN HEAD!!! I have mentioned many times what a challenge Riley had as an infant. He had a lot of tummy issues, didn’t sleep well, and had a rather intense temperament. He did not like the stroller, the car seat, or any kind of pouch on my body. There were times when I had to play loud white noise in the stroller to get through Safeway without him screaming. I read every book, blog, or website, I could find on how to soothe and calm your baby–and there were days when I truly felt helpless. Needless to say–I was dedicated to helping this sweet boy sleep–would do just about anything to accomplish it. We did create a wonderful and consistent routine, and he developed amazing sleeping habits. He now takes a solid 1.5-2 hour nap every day and sleeps 11-12 hours every night. However, I come home for every nap, he has never slept anywhere but here, and his room is has black out shades and white noise. So if you haven’t figured it out yet—huge scary monster that was living in my head told me that I could not go on any vacations. I honestly thought he would never sleep anywhere but here. I tiptoed towards the monster in April. We visited Hollister for my dad’s birthday and Riley fell asleep on the way there. I was so excited he napped in the car, but still worried about bedtime. We had brought the sound machine and his cozies (that is what we call his sleep sack) and of course Sophie (his stuffed giraffe with a binkie attached) to recreate the environment as best we could. I gave him a bath in the hotel tub, warmed up his milk, and sat and sang him our songs. Once he was asleep, I laid him in the pack and play and he slept for 12 hours!!!!! He slept again on the way home the next day and the trip was a perfect success! That is when I was ready to out on my big girl boots and take big steps towards the SCARY MONSTER!!!! We purposely planned to leave around nap time. It takes about 2.5 hours to get there, so I figured even if he fell asleep for part of the ride, it would be ok. He ended up sleeping almost the whole way there and was BLISSFULLY happy when he woke up! . I won’t bore you with every detail–but he slept 11 hours every night and took a 2 hour nap every day we were there. All this to say–Momma conquered her fear of the TRAVEL SLEEP MONSTER (as I will call it) and Riley was a CHAMP!

The smile that was on his face when he woke up in the parking lot of the grocery store was pretty much plastered on his face for the next three days. He absolutely adores his Gaga, Papa, and Uncle Dan-and nothing made him happier then to have all of them sleeping in the same house with him! As soon as we got to the cabin, he ran to the deck and laid out on a lounge chair with the “boys”. We got unpacked, had dinner, and hung out on the deck. It was the best!!! The next morning Riley popped up in his crib and could not wait to go find everyone. I don’t think I have ever seen my dad happier to be woken up at 6:30 in the morning with a big kiss from Riley!!! “Papa Wake UP” were his exact words and he was just as THRILLED as my dad! We visited Columbia in the morning and spent the rest of the day at the house so Riley could nap. We spent most of the evening on the the deck–Riley rode his bike, played with a big bucket of water, and had a blast! My dad made my favorite BBQ chicken and we ate altogether outside! It felt just like when I was a kid–but even better because I was getting to live it through the eyes of my own son. And he could not have been happier! My parents went home the next morning, so my brother and I walked down to Twain Harte lake with him. Again, something we always did as kids, and I was very excited to do it with Riley. I am not exaggerating when I say that the minute his feet hit the sand, he raced off for the water and LOVED every minute! Uncle Dan is much more fond (and tolerant of freezing cold) of the water then momma–so I was able to really take in the pure joy and excitement of Riley going in the water for the first time. The relationship between Riley and my brother is hard to describe in words….and watching them play in that lake together was one of my favorite parts of the whole week. We ate lunch at the “snack shack” just like when we were kids, and Riley did not want to leave!!! We got him home so he could take a power nap… and then took him into town to meet the firefighters. Once again, the smile on his face said it all. He was so excited to not only meet the firemen, but they even let him climb into the truck. I mean what is better than sitting in a firetruck with your cowboy hat on right???!! This boy was on cloud 9! The three of us had a pretty relaxed evening of Sesame Street and leftovers and headed home the next morning.

I remember as a kid, driving home was always my least favorite part of the trip. As we got on 280 and I saw the fog overhead, I knew vacation was over and it meant we were heading back to school. As we drove home on Saturday—I was still a little bummed to leave the peaceful surroundings of Twain Harte–and have our vacation come to an end… But I also felt like it was a brand new beginning in so many ways! We had started (or continued depending on how I think about) a new very special tradition and created some incredible memories. I mentioned it before, but it was hard to choose only a few pictures from the trip. Every time I look back at them, I feel like I am right back there—and Riley is still talking about it! DREAMS COME TRUE!!!!

December 10, 2018December 25, 2018

The Elephant

Life has been a little chaotic for the past few months and I have not written in awhile. I have a very special student this year in first grade who needs a lot of extra support and 23 other students who also need a lot of support in various ways–academics, social emotional, and some even just basic needs. Since I am at work all day, I spend every waking moment I can with my guy when I get home… and if I’m being honest, often crash at night before 8:30 p.m.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, my brother Dan did our Christmas photo shoot in the garage. Who needs JCPenney’s when your brother is a talented photographer! This will be the second Christmas for my sweet Riley and I. He is growing so fast and will be 19 months old at the end of the month. Time is flying by!!!! I didn’t think much of the fact that we had included the light up elephant in our photo until someone asked Dan at work about it. He had seen an elephant in a few pictures with Riley and asked what the significance of the elephant was. It was then that I realized just how symbolic the elephant had been throughout my journey to motherhood, and how much the symbol had evolved over the course of 5 years.

I have honestly always loved elephants–Dumbo, Horton, and even the elephants at the zoo–there was always something about them that struck a cord in my heart. When I began my journey to motherhood almost 5 years ago–I knew it would be a little more difficult as a single woman. At that time, I was living on a teacher’s salary, and was living in a 2 bedroom condo with my twin brother. I was obviously working full time and knew that childcare would be an added expense I may not be able to afford. I have always been a planner and make sure to have all my ducks in a row before I begin any venture. Becoming a mother was no different. I made a checklist of the things I needed to have in place before I could move forward. Here is a snapshot of that list:

Supplemental Income
Child care
Bigger house (my brother had made it clear that where we were living would be too small for 3 of us, and I could not afford to live on my own with a little one on the way)
Selling my condo (in order to look for a bigger house–which at that time we hoped to find a duplex, I needed to sell the condo I had purchased in 2008).
Finances to pay for sperm donor (which later turned into finances to pay for IVF, & then adoption–but on my initial list they were obviously not there)

This is just a snapshot of the things that I wrote down and then I began to check them off. It was right about this time, that my two life long friends introduced me to Rodan + Fields. At the time, I had no interest in selling skincare, but did know that I needed to have some form of supplemental income. 5 years later it was the best decision of my life and the reason I was able to afford the adoption process and stay home an extra 6 weeks with my sweet boy. I am lucky enough to have an incredible family who took care of item number 2! My retired parents told me that I would never have to worry about paying for any kind of childcare-they would be there for me every step of the way! I put my condo up on the market and it sold in 5 days for over the asking price. As I have mentioned before, we were unable to purchase a home of any kind in the crazy market, but we did find a 3 bedroom house in a quiet neighborhood to rent in (we are still on this street now). Beginning my skincare business and selling my condo took care of the financial part of the journey. So on paper I was ready! I had done all my homework, checked off all the boxes, and was ready!

Little did I know that unlike the other areas in my life–where studying, hard work, preparation, and determination led to success–fertility was a whole different journey. I found out quickly, that my rode to motherhood would not go as smoothly as I imagined it. The first road I went down was IUI–only to find out that I had a blocked fallopian tube and non responsive ovaries. It was at this time that my good friend, and fellow single momma, gifted me a ceramic elephant. She told me it was a symbol of fertility. WOW! WOW! WOW! No wonder I had felt a connection to this beautiful animal my entire life. All I had ever dreamed of was being a mom and my connection to the elephant made perfect sense! With IUI ruled out as an option—I began to research IVF. I found an amazing fertility doctor and acupuncturist who gave me so much hope! It was a long, emotional journey and that elephant sat right on my nightstand through the whole thing. I remember looking at it each night before I went to sleep and whispering a secret “please help me”…. Not only did the IVF attempt fail, I was also told that there was an 80% chance I would be unable to conceive on my own. My world felt like it was shattering around me. I felt like a failure and almost unfeminine. I felt angry and resentful. I came home that night after receiving the news, and put that ceramic elephant in a drawer–slamming it shut through tear filled eyes.

As you know, my journey did not end here. Although there was that 20% chance of being able to successfully conceive a child, I did a lot of self reflecting and decided I wanted to adopt. And after 3 emotional years, I finally received that call… I had been chosen! I have told that story in great detail in previous posts. I had only 2 weeks to prepare for the birth and did not know if the baby was a boy or a girl. When I explained to my first grade class why I would be leaving them a month early from the school year, one of the first questions was, “It is a boy or a girl?” I told them I did not know and that we would call the baby “Peanut Twomey”. It just came out of my mouth–and I am still unsure why or how. There were two amazing moms in my class who threw me a last minute baby shower and guess what the theme was? Elephants and peanuts filled my room–decorations, plates, napkins, cups–you name it, that elephant was back. And at the time, I didn’t think much of it. I created a “Baby Peanut” private Facebook group for my friends and family to follow our journey and the elephant symbol stuck. Riley’s coming home onesie said “Welcome home peanut” with a picture of an elephant and a peanut.

After arriving home, one of Riley’s first gifts was a stuffed elephant from my cousin Debbie. He loved it! A few weeks later, a dear friend came over with the Flappy the Elephant (Gund) that sings and moves to “Do your Ears Hang Low”. If he didn’t already love elephants, he sure did now! And I have given this gift to every new mother since! 18 months later, Riley still gets a huge smile on his face every time he sees it! And so it was, the elephant became a symbol of happiness and joy in our house.

When it came time to plan his first birthday… I of course went with elephants! My extremely talented friend painted him a HUGE Dumbo backdrop and I went with the Circus theme. Although my brother deemed it too cheesy and he wore it under his outfit at his party, I did go on Etsy and buy him a personalized elephant onesie for his big day! His smile lit up the park when he saw his Dumbo themed cake and backdrop. Every time he sees an elephant, he points and makes the sound my mom taught him that an elephant makes (I wish this had sound so you could hear–it’s priceless)! I went on a field trip with my class in October to the Oakland Zoo, and could not wait to visit the elephants! I even took video to come home and show Riley. As Halloween passed, and Christmas decorations began to fill the stores, it was an automatic when we passed the elephant at Target. Riley was beside himself and only after some careful negotiations did he allow us to put in on the porch. There was also no way it wasn’t going to be in our Christmas picture this year. But to be honest, I really didn’t think much about how this symbol had evolved over the past 5 years. It had gone from one of hope and faith, to one of suffering, loss, and devastation—and is now one of genuine love and happiness. As I have researched more about the symbolism of an elephant I found it is one of strength and good luck. When I look down at my sweet boy every night, I feel an overwhelming sense of strength and good fortune. And now when someone asks me what my favorite animal is… you can be sure I will answer an ELEPHANT!

October 11, 2018October 14, 2018

I Have a Dream

When I began the adoption process, one of the first things I had to do was complete a home study. I met with a social worker for an interview that lasted almost 2 hours. She asked me a lot of questions about my childhood, my adult life, my beliefs and parenting philosophies. It was a lot of information to give to someone who I had just met. I remember the day we sat down to meet so clearly–in particular one part of the interview that left me confused, anxious, and unsure of myself. She was asking me about the profile of the child that I wanted to adopt–gender, race, medical needs, etc…. My response was something like, “My dream is to be a mom… I don’t care if its a boy or a girl, and has green skin with purple polka dots”! Of course, this is not the answer that would go into the home study, but I made it very clear that I honestly had no preference on gender or race. My only concern (due to financial need) was the health of the baby. I wanted to make sure that I could provide any care that was needed–so that would need to be in my profile. After I gave my answer, the woman looked up at me and asked if I was sure I was open to a baby that was not the same race as me (caucasian). I told her I was 100% positive. She went on to question me about how I would provide life experiences for my child that exposed him/her to their culture and did I have people in my life of different races for my child to be around. She truly made me feel like I was inadequate to raise a child who was “different” than me. Little did she know—until I very clearly explained it to her—I am surrounded by people in my life of all different races, religions, and cultures. As a teacher, I have been so blessed to work with students and families from so many different backgrounds and stories. It is one of my favorite parts of teaching, and one of the main reasons I changed schools a few years ago. I really wanted to work with a more diverse community–and have learned so much the last 3 years. I truly honor and appreciate differences and strive to help my students love and appreciate not only each other, but their unique selves. Even after my long winded answer, I still had a sense that she felt I should check the white/caucasian box on my profile. I actually did revise my profile for a brief amount of time after that interview and changed my preferences to be at least 50% caucasian. She made me so nervous and unsure. I wanted to be sure that I provided the very best environment for my sweet baby and she made me doubt that I could do that.

A few months after I completed my home study, I was feeling frustrated that I was not being viewed my more birth mothers. I scheduled a call with my case worker at the adoption agency to talk about how things were going. We had been on the phone for a few minutes and then she brought up my profile and preferences. She told me that the reason my profile was not being given out to more birth mothers, was because my preferences were limited. I got a pit in my stomach right away. I was nervous to share about what the social worker had said to me during my home study and that I felt forced into setting these limiting preferences. I took a deep breath and told her the story. When I was finished (and after a few tears) she told me she was so glad she had asked me about it. She said that she was always very confused by the preferences I had checked because it was so contradictory to the rest of my profile and life story. It was such a wonderful day when I was able to confidently tell her to check “open to all”!!! My sweet baby Riley was born on May 26. His birth mother is caucasian and his birth father is African American. He is absolutely beautiful inside and out.

My home study experience has been on my mind a lot this week. Anytime we are out and Riley sees a child with a baby doll, he always wants to hold and cuddle it. I was so excited to take him to Target the other day and get him a baby doll of his own. I had quite the collection of Cabbage Patch kids growing up and nothing makes me happier then to take one off the shelf for my own child! I put him in the cart and off we went to the doll aisle. As I browsed the shelf I realized that almost every doll on the shelf had white skin. It struck me in that moment that I had never paid much attention to skin color of the dolls on the shelf before. When I was a kid, all my cabbage patch kids, barbies, or dolls of any kind had white skin just like me. When I really think about it, most of the picture books I remember reading in school also had children who had the same color skin as me. I flashed back to the conversation I had with that social worker. We are lucky enough to live in a diverse community and also have a very diverse circle of friends. Riley gets to interact with people from all different races, backgrounds, and family make-ups. I have never once worried that I am cheating him out of life experiences or exposure to his own culture. And then as I was standing in that aisle in Target, I began to look at the shelves with a new lens…as the mom of a bi-racial little boy. And my heart felt a little sad… I began to ask myself: Where are all the brown dolls, the black dolls, and the dolls that reflect the diverse world we live in? As I thought about it even more, where were the dolls who were born with abnormalities or missing limbs?

As I have mentioned many times, I teach my students to love the uniqueness that makes them who they are and to appreciate our differences. When I changed school districts 3 years ago and began teaching at the school I am at now—I began to view education and the world with a new lens. I have been able to walk in the shoes of children and families who face a much different reality then me. With the recent events in the world of politics, it’s been very eye opening and sometimes very disheartening to see how far we still have to go to be truly “open to all”. I am blessed to have some wonderful friends and colleagues in my life who are always researching, learning, and trying to make a difference. We empower our students to feel proud of themselves and respect and love each other. And I will raise my sweet boy to believe the very same things. My hope and my dream is that he will grow up in a world where he is judged by the content of his character and never by the color of his skin.

October 8, 2018

Enjoy every moment

It has been a few weeks since my last post. As I have mentioned before, I teach first grade and it has been a very busy start to the year. After my sweet boy goes to bed, I am doing my skincare business. Needless to say, this is the first moment I have had to come on and write a new post. My school district is on a modified year round calendar and today begins our 2 week Fall Break. Many people are traveling over the break and I got asked a lot about what my plans were. My answer was always the same… “I am waking up every morning with my sweet boy, and spending each day together”. We are not traveling anywhere and have no set plans. I am hoping to take him to the zoo, the aquarium, and maybe even get him his first hair cut. That may sound boring to some, but I truly could not be happier.

There were many times I sat and thought about what my weekends, breaks, and summers would like if I had a child, and even cried many times wishing it was my reality. Every time I knew I was going to be on a break of any kind, I would make sure to find out if my cousins were off too or if any of my friends needed help with their munchkins. I called it “Shannycamp” and looked forward to it every year. On May 26, 2017 my dream came true and sweet Riley chose me to be his momma! Being a mom has really taught me what it means to enjoy every moment. Time goes by so fast and 16 months flew by. I look back at pictures and relive all the love and joy we have shared already. I rush home everyday to spend every minute I can with my guy before bedtime, and love the weekends! On Friday nights when I lay Riley in his bed, I whisper… momma gets to wake up with you Saturday and Sunday! Last Friday night, I was so excited to tell him that we get to wake up together every day for two weeks!

I have always been a person who has trouble living in the moment and just being still. I am always thinking about what is going to happen next or what I should be doing. I go to a yoga class and can never understand how people can be so focused for 60-90 minutes! I have tried meditation multiple times, and struggle to make it 5 minutes…. Being a mom has definitely not added more minutes in the day for yoga or meditation–and has in fact added to the list of things to think about, worry about and plan ahead for. But what is has done, is taught me to live in the moment–and as cliché as it sounds, enjoy every moment. I find myself just sitting with Riley on the floor reading a book, or looking at the elephant video I made him at the zoo, and just feel so lucky. I may not be getting everything right, and would be lying if I said that every day was easy–we are in the midst of TODDLERVILLE and days can be challenging! But there is one thing I know for sure–this little boy chose me to be his momma and it does not matter where we are or what we are doing–every day together is my favorite day.

August 31, 2018

What a Difference a Year Makes

This past summer was much different then last summer. Last year, my summer began on May 17. I got the call on May 9 that I had been chosen and Riley’s original due date was May 21. I met with my principal and we decided my last day of school would be Friday May 17. There was still almost a month left of school but I did not finish the year with my kids. I spent one week getting my house as ready as it could be and then rushed off to North Carolina that Friday morning for the birth of my sweet boy. It ended up being a much more frantic departure and travel then I had hoped for, but I made it there safely and had him in my arms by 7:30 that night. My dad flew in the next day, and the three of us spent the next week in a hotel in North Carolina waiting for the call that we could come home.

I spent the rest of the summer bonding with my baby and adjusting to my new life as a mom. Even when I type those words “life as a mom”, my heart fills with joy… “Mom life” is something I have dreamed about forever! And believe me when I say it was a dream come true. But I would be lying if I said it was an easy first year. Riley was a very intense newborn. He had some tummy/temperament issues and I spent a lot of time trying to find ways to soothe and comfort him. There were many, many, (many, many, many) sleepless nights–and some equally challenging days where I felt like nothing I did was helping. I will never forget our second night in the hotel when he was only 4 days old. He woke up screaming and my dad and I both jumped out of bed. I tried to feed him and he kept screaming. He had already been changed so I knew it wasn’t that. I walked around the room rocking and shushing, bouncing and humming, and finally got him back to sleep. We actually went back to the hospital the next morning to visit our favorite nurse and ask for advice. She suggested a tummy wrap that I could warm in the microwave and wrap around his little tummy. I downloaded Dr. Karp’s Happiest Baby on the Block calming white noise album to my phone, and we went to Walmart to get the same formula they used at the hospital and gas drops. These things worked a little, but nothing seemed to consistently work. I figured he was just getting adjusted to being out of the hospital and once we got home and into a routine, things would calm down.

Not much changed when we got home. He was not sleeping much and cried a lot. I ended up in tears many times myself and felt like I was failing my little guy. It seemed like his tummy may be the reason he was so upset–so I tried anything and everything suggested. I tried about 5 different formulas and finally decided to try a hypoallergenic one for babies with milk allergies and colic. It seemed to help a little so I stayed with it. I also took him to the doctor and the pediatrician looked at me and said, “That’s part of being an infant. It sounds like he could have reflux.” I am still convinced he gave me the prescription so I would stop emailing him. The medicine seemed to help a bit-but weren’t great. I spent hours and hours looking for ways to soothe him. I read Happiest Baby on the Block and did everything it said. I even purchased the special rocking crib that was supposed to help. He hated the car seat and the stroller, so those were no help either. We had two stability balls in the house and my brother would even stand in front of the fan on the stove in the kitchen. Needless to say, the first 8 months or so were rough. Don’t get me wrong–they were also filled with so much happiness and joy. I do not mean to make it sound like he cried all the time… He was just an intense baby and needed a lot of soothing. Nights were the hardest and like many new moms, I was exhausted. I remember people would tell me, “Don’t worry, it will get better at 4 months.” 4 months came and went and nothing changed… “Don’t worry–by 6 months, it will be better”… So I held on for 6 months…Not much change… It wasn’t until about 9-10 months that I can honestly say he was sleeping more peacefully and was not crying much at all. He was crawling all over the place and began to develop quite a little personality. By the time he turned 1 he started walking and has been on the move ever since!

Riley turned 15 months old last week, and is truly the happiest little boy! He has no allergies and no tummy issues at all. He loves to eat and is a great sleeper! He takes two solid naps a day and sleeps 11 hours a night! That little smile lights up the room and it fills my heart to see him so happy. I have always loved the belly laugh of a baby—but hearing the belly laugh of your own child is indescribable. I run for my classroom at lunchtime to see his little face on face time, and rush home as soon as I can each afternoon to scoop him up and dance around the room! The smiles, the giggles, the hugs, the kisses–and yes even those grumpy moments–this is what I waited for and it was truly worth the wait!!!!

August 25, 2018

Back to Work

It has been a few weeks since my last post. I was so flattered to have a few people message to ask where I have been. I am a first grade teacher and summer vacation came to an end. The school district I work for is on a modified year round calendar so our summer was only about 6 weeks. We got out in late June and I headed back the first week of August to prepare my classroom for a new bunch of bright-eyed munchkins. It has taken me the last 2 weeks to get back in the swing of working every day and getting into a routine. The day begins about 4AM and I don’t stop moving until about 8:00 PM (and if I am being honest, the last two weeks, I have had a hard time keeping my eyes open much past 8:30)!

I loved every minute of my summer vacation with my sweet boy! Although I love being a teacher, being a mom is definitely what I love more than anything in the world. I know being a stay at home mom is not for everyone, but I can honestly say that it would be my dream. One of the things that I worried most about when I decided to become a single mom was the financial part. It is so expensive even just to live in the Bay Area–and when you add a child to that–it is only that much more. I knew that I would need to find a way to supplement my teaching salary if I was going to raise a child on my own. It was at right about the same time that two of my life long friends presented me with an opportunity to start my own direct sales skin care business. I knew ABSOLUTELY nothing about skin care or direct sales but the one thing I did know was that I would do ANYTHING to provide the best life for my future baby (this was almost 5 years ago when I had not even started the process yet). I had no idea where it would take me, but decided to jump in and give it a shot. It ended up being the best decision I could have made personally, professionally, and most of all financially. My business is what helped me pay for a lot of the expenses on my journey (with both IVF and adoption). My business is also what allowed me to stay home with my guy for an additional six weeks when summer was last year. My school district does not provide paid maternity leave, and I was told by the insurance company that I also could not claim disability since I did not actually give birth. This meant that the only leave I could take was under FMLA (Family Leave Act) for bonding with an adopted child. I would only receive half-pay from the school district after using up my 10 sick days. So with my skin care business, I could afford to take 6 weeks. This allowed me to be home with him until he was about 5 months old (I have lots more to say about how differently adoptive parents are treated–but that is for another post). It was such a gift to be home with him and it was the first time in my teaching career that I did not want to go back to work.

Needless to say, I could not wait for summer to come and it was even harder to go back this year. I loved waking up every morning and looking over at the monitor knowing that I did not have to get up and go to work. I would listen for his little hum as he started to stir and then wait for him to sit up in his crib and wait quietly for me to come in. As soon as I opened the door, he would stick his hands on the edge of the crib and peek over with Sophie (his wub a nub pacifier) hanging out of his mouth. I can always see the big smile from behind his binky. I told him every morning how it was another momma and Ri Ri day and I didn’t have to go to work. He would look up at me, smile, and give me big hugs. There were many mornings, I got a little teary eyed as I held on tight for my morning squeezes. We spent the summer going to parks, going on play dates, playing outside, and really enjoying our time together. When people ask me if I went anywhere this summer or what I did… my answer is always the same… “I just spent the summer loving up my sweet baby boy”.

Today was the end of the second week of school. This is my 14th year teaching and I have always been the teacher who comes early, leaves late, works at night while watching tv and works all weekend (in the classroom a lot of the time). Once Riley came into my life… all of that changed. It has been a huge adjustment to not be able to spend the same amount of time planning and prepping that I did before. I felt like I was failing as a teacher for much of last year, and am so thankful to have an amazing first grade team and colleagues who helped me get through my first year as teacher and mom. This year just started but already feels better. I am working more efficiently so that when I leave work, all my time is focused on my sweet boy. I leave every day right at 3:05 so I can get in every minute with him I can before bedtime.

I also could not end this post without talking about how truly blessed I am to have the unending support and love of my family. My mom and dad take care of Riley every single day when I am at work. They call me every day on face time at lunch, so I can say hello, and if he is asleep when I leave in the morning, I even get a good morning face time before the bell rings. My brother gets home every day before me, and comes right in to help. He is off on Fridays and lets me get up every Friday morning and go to the gym. Riley and I could not be luckier and don’t let a day go by without telling them how much we love and appreciate them.

So as I sit here at the end of week 2, I am feeling a range of emotions… I am feeling thankful for two jobs that I love…. appreciative and thankful to my supportive friends and colleagues for all they do for me… I am exhausted from the last two weeks… and I am invigorated and excited that I get to wake up tomorrow morning and spend the whole day with my boy!!!!

August 11, 2018August 11, 2018

Forming a Bond

A very good family friend sent this quote to me the night my sweet Riley was born. I had tears running down my face and onto the forehead of my sweet boy who was laying on my bare chest when I read the message. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, and had always envisioned that my child would grow inside of me. When I decided to adopt, I had no doubt in my mind that I would love this child with all my heart and soul… But there was a small little part of me that was so worried it would be harder to bond with my baby if he or she did not come from my womb. I remember sitting on the airplane feeling over the moon excited to meet my new baby–and still just couldn’t help but feel a little nervous as well. Questions continued to flood my brain as I made the long drive–and by this time I knew that a sweet baby boy was laying in that nursery. What if he cried when I held him? Would he look at me and see how much I loved him? Would I feel like his mom? Would we share the same bond that birth mothers have with their newborns? These are only a few of the many questions I asked myself over and over until I arrived.

The moment I pulled into the parking lot, the feeling in my gut changed… I was on my way to meet my son! MY SON! I was running at this point to get inside. When I got off the elevator and began walking down the hallway–I whispered over and over “here I come my sweet boy–momma’s here”. I could see him from the end of the hallway-laying there swaddled in his blanket with the little newborn beanie on his head. The moment I walked into the room and laid eyes on him, I can honestly say—it was love at first sight. The birth father let me pick him up right away. As I held him in my arms the first time, I leaned down close to his face, kissed him on the forehead and whispered, “I love you my sweet boy. You are my dream come true”. He looked right up at me and in that moment, I knew we were meant to be together. The universe truly had conspired to help us find each other and there was an instant bond.

I was also so very lucky to have some incredible nurses working on the floor the weekend Riley was born. They were very aware of the circumstances, and went out of their way to make sure our bonding time started right away. They let me have my own room, and began the skin to skin contact within an hour of me arriving. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, he slept quietly on my chest–and I never felt happier. The only time I took him off my chest that night was to feed him or change him. They actually had to force me to lay him in his crib as I dosed off to be sure that everyone was safe. I did little to no sleeping that night, and just watched him sleep. We stayed in the hospital for 2 more nights and then moved to the hotel with my dad. Although living in a hotel with a newborn for a week was not the most ideal situation—it allowed for a lot of bonding time. Riley spent majority of his time being held by either my dad or I and slept right next to me every night. Looking back, it was such a special week and I feel so lucky to have had this time with him.

Since I am a teacher, and Riley was born at the end of May, it led right into my summer break. This left us another two months of bonding time. My school district does not offer paid maternity leave, and I found out the adoptive parents do not qualify for any disability since they did not actually give birth (I have lots more to say about that but will not here)… Under the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) I did qualify for up to 12 weeks to bond with my newborn child… however, as I mentioned before my district did not offer paid leave. I had to exhaust all of my sick time (10 days) and then received half-pay for whatever time I missed. This is a lot of the reason I started my skincare business 4 years ago. It allowed me to take 6 extra weeks with my sweet boy and receive half-pay at work. To be honest, I would have found a way no matter what. I knew this bonding time was so so important. I was able to spend every day at home with him until November 1 and cherished every minute. He was not the best sleeper (especially at night) so we spent a lot of time together. He spent a lot of the first 6 months crying and I continued to find ways to soothe and comfort him. The bond between us grew stronger and stronger every day.

I am sitting here on Friday night, after our second summer together, and have tears in my eyes. I love my sweet boy more than words can express and truly feel like I love him more each day. He is almost 15 months old and beginning to talk more and more. Every time he looks at me and says “Momma” my heart explodes. I am 100% positive that the universe conspired to bring us together.

This post started with a quote and I wanted to end with another quote from the children’s book The Giving Tree…. “and she loved a little boy very, very much, even more than she loved herself”.

August 2, 2018

IVF misconceptions

One of the primary reasons I started this blog was to share information and help people understand my personal journey to motherhood. As I went through this very emotional journey, I learned so much–and sometimes struggled with feeling alone or misunderstood. It is my hope that by sharing my story and anything I learned along the way, I can help others to understand and even feel supported in their journey.

My brother shared this article with me a few days ago and it obviously hit home for me. I wanted to share it here. I too had a lot of misconceptions about IVF until about 5 years ago when I was experiencing it myself. Since then, I have connected with so many other women (and couples), some in my own family, who face fertility issues and IVF is their only option to conceive. It is a very expensive journey and rarely covered by insurance. I learned a lot about the history of IVF and how it has evolved over the last 40 years.

IVF and Insurance 40 Years later

July 22, 2018

Coming Home

This post needed multiple pictures! The first was taken at the boarding gate around 6:00 AM on Saturday morning at Raleigh airport. The alarm went off bright and early about 4:00 that morning.. although between waking up for feedings and the anxiety of traveling with a newborn– I don’t think either of us had slept much at all. My dad had booked the shuttle to be downstairs a little after 5 to make sure we left plenty of time for everything at the airport. There was no way we were going to miss that flight. Our hotel was less than a mile away from the airport, so it took no time at all to get there. We went to the check in desk and immediately people were turning and commenting on what a little guy we had. I was a little nervous about the check in process and we ended up with the sweetest lady! I had read that I may have to show my adoption paperwork and/or temporary birth certificate before being cleared… so I was ready with everything I needed. The minute I shared my brief story, her whole face filled with joy and she was nothing but kind and helpful. I had originally planned to take him out of the car seat (and check it in as baggage) and carry him in the Moby through the airport, but he was asleep. They told us we could bring the car seat onto the plane with us, and did not have to check it. My AMAZING dad (I can’t say that enough) carried him in the car seat through the security line and all the way to the gate! We sat down with plenty of time to spare (which is when we snuck in our selfie). My dad sat with little man while I went to get us coffee (much needed)! I had decided to put Riley in the Moby wrap before we got on the plane and keep him in there as long as possible. I was very nervous about germs, his ears, and pretty much anything else I could think of!!! Since we had an infant, we got to pre-board. I wrapped up my guy (who was asleep) and we boarded the plane. We had literally booked our flight about 12 hours before and got the last two seats–they were not next to each other. My dad was seated behind us. I had gotten a middle seat in between 2 men. OH was I nervous now–what if he screamed the whole way? What if I had to get up to change him or rock him? I was going to drive these men nuts! And my dad was behind me—ugh… I took a breath, and decided to ask the man on the aisle seat if he would be willing to trade seats with my dad. He agreed immediately and was so wonderful about it. The man in the window seat looked like he was in his mid 30’s and seemed friendly. I looked over and told him, “I promise we will do our best not to be annoying”. I could never have imagined a nicer human to be seated next to us! Not only did he tell me not to worry—we ended up chatting off and on the whole flight! I shared my story and he showed me pictures of his wife and son. We now follow each other on instagram and have stayed in touch. OK.. two problems solved… Now we just needed to get through take off, a 5 hour flight, the landing, and we were home (literally home) free….. MORE DEEP BREATHS….

There is not much to say about the flight besides, my sweet Riley is a CHAMP! He slept most of the way, and only woke up once or twice to eat. Not one tear the entire way and even let me change him in the airplane bathroom (which was not the easiest task but we did it). I had never been so excited to hear the captain say, “We have arrived in San Francisco. Thank you for flying with us”. WE MADE IT! WE WERE HOME!!!! I was finally going to get to bring my sweet boy home to meet his Gammy and Uncle Dan!

That takes us to the last two pictures… My mom picked us up from the airport, and when I did not see my brother in the car, I felt disappointed. I asked where he was and she said he had gone grocery shopping. Little did I know, that when we pulled up, he would be standing outside with his camera and these balloons hanging outside! We walked through the door and there was this sign he had made hanging in the living room. I cried again (as did everyone). The sign still hangs above the changing table in Riley’s room. We read it to him every time we changed his diaper for about 7 months!!! He will now often look up at it (actually stand and touch it) and say “Momma” and kiss the poster like my dad taught him to do when he was tiny. It melts my heart every time.

Riley was finally home. This was the moment I had been waiting for—and it truly was a dream come true.