motherhood - Worth my Wait

May 1, 2021May 3, 2021

Pandemic, Parenting, & Patience (OH MY!)

OH MY! OH MY! OH MY! If that doesn’t sum up the last year I don’t know what does!

My last post was in March of 2020. We had just arrived home from North Carolina and I was so excited to announce the arrival of our sweet baby Mikey. A few days later–we went into the “15 day” lockdown that became life as we know it for the indefinite future.. with no light at the end of the tunnel for a large chunk of that time. Here we are 13 months later, and I am so grateful to say that my brother, parents, and I are all vaccinated. Life seems to be returning to some sense of normalcy– but needless to say I have not sat down to write for quite some time. We have a lot of catching up to do!

Let me back up to where I left off on my last post… Mikey was two months old, Riley two years old, and we were ALL adjusting to our new family and the changes it brought. I would be lying if I said that it was all hugs, kisses, and smiles–it was amazing and wonderful for sure–but it was also a very challenging time, full of emotions and tears (from everyone).

My family was right there to support and I am forever grateful. Dan stood by my side (both physically and emotionally) the entire time in North Carolina and continued to be my rock when we arrived home. I had a lot of anxiety about how Riley was going to handle having a new baby brother. He had been the center of the universe (and rightfully so) in our family for two years and no matter how hard I tried, he was going to be sharing some of that time and attention with Mikey. I talked to him a lot throughout the 7 months we waited for the birth and did my best to prepare him. Having a baby brother in and of itself is a lot for a two year old to process. Add a trip across the country, a two weeks waiting for that baby to arrive, and an almost month long stay in North Carolina (in two separate airbnbs and two nights in a hotel without mama for the first time), and that takes it to a whole new level.

Life was was much different for everyone when we got home. I felt an added pressure that I think many parents feel when the second baby arrives. I wanted to make sure that Mikey got all of the love, cuddles, and bonding time he needed with mama–especially since he did grow inside of me. That first few weeks felt even more critical to create a bond with him. I also was so worried about taking away my time from Riley. I never wanted him to feel like he was missing out on any of mama’s love or attention with new baby in the house. I designated specific “Mama & Ri Ri times” throughout the day. We would color, read, paint, or even just have time to sit and cuddle or eat together, just mama and Riley. Riley and I also have a very special bedtime routine that started when he was an infant. I have only missed putting him to bed a handful of times since the day he was born and this was one of the things that I really wanted to keep as consistent as possible for him. Dan and I switch off each night so that both Mikey and Riley get one on one time for bath. Since Mikey goes to bed before Riley, I am still able to sneak out for the end of story time, sing our song (You Are My Sunshine) and put Riley to bed after Mikey goes down. This would not be possible without my brother–who does not go to bed now until after 7:30 some nights and has to be up by 1:30 for work. NO words to express my gratitude…

Parenting is amazing and hard all at the same time. AND my parents (speaking of amazing) continue to be there for me (42 years later) as I navigate through this journey. Not only are they a tremendous support to me, but they are incredible grandparents (or Gaga and Papa as the boys call them) who shower us with love each and every day. They picked us up at the airport the day we flew home, and have been on our doorstep every morning (and often before 7:30 am) since.

So there we were adjusting to our new family–slowly getting into a rhythm… and then came (insert the dramatic sounds effects—DUN DUN DUN)… THE PANDEMIC.

When the news first started reporting about the virus, I honestly didn’t think it was a big deal. We Riley’s first trip to Disneyland booked for April, I was getting in a quick trip to the gym during nap time every day, and I wasn’t too concerned at all. Ironically I was at the gym the day the lockdown was first put into effect- gyms, parks, schools, and all businesses that were not considered “essential” were closing. People were told not to leave their house unless they were going to work But my parents decided that they would limit their “bubble” to include my house and their house. So we started our “15 day” lock down with our six person bubble–my parents, my brother, Riley, Mikey, and me. Fifteen days, turned into weeks–and slowly we watched more and more things close. Weeks turned into months, and we waited and waited. Riley turned 3 in May and we had a Pirate themed celebration. I did everything I could to make it as special as we could for him even–and we had family and friends drive by and honk while he sat in his pirate ship on the front lawn. We made the best

of the situation and he had a great day.

Summer came and went with nothing too exciting–it was becoming more and more challenging to not be able to see friends or have play dates. Before I knew it the school year was ready to begin. I took a part time position this year at school to be home one day a week and give my parents a bit of a break. Riley would be attending the preschool program on my campus and would be able to go to school with me every morning. My parents so graciously volunteered to take care of Mikey for me on the days I worked. It was the perfect plan—and then—THE PANDEMIC PIVOT (as I have decided to call it).

The school year started with 100% distance learning. My sweet Riley’s first day of preschool and his entire school year has been on Zoom. It has been challenging to say the least. It almost seems ridiculous to even ask 3 year olds to sit on an ipad for school—but it was definitely the only option for majority of the year. Our virtual school year experience is enough for a whole other post (or two–stay tuned), but for now, I will just say that we are ALL looking forward to the Fall when he can hopefully enter the classroom for the first time.

And my MIKEY… where to begin?! I can hardly believe he is going to be 16 months old. He is walking (running really), climbing (on anything and everything), giggling (his gut laugh is contagious), and SLEEPING like a champ for his mama. There is something about this little boy that is pure magic. He is a bundle pure joy and has brought so much light and energy to our family. The poor little guy has still not met some of my closest friends and family–and we are hopeful that 2021 will be better. He had a Cookie Monster themed first birthday in January. It was definitely a small celebration–but a special day.

The brother bond between Riley and Mikey is evident and pretty incredible to watch. They have so many of the same mannerisms and facial expressions. Mikey already looks up to his big brother and wants to do everything he does. Riley always goes with me to get Mikey in the morning when he wakes up. Riley climbs into the crib and the way Mikey looks up at him fills my heart with so much joy. I am not going to lie… there are A LOT of hard and challenging moments–and days where I feel like I am doing it all wrong. But then there are moments like this morning… I came out to sit on the recliner chair and feed Mikey his bottle. Riley curled up next to me and put his hand on the bottle. Mikey reached out his hand and curled his fingers around Riley’s. Riley began to sing to him… “go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep little Mikey”. It is those moments that I cherish and hold onto.

There are so many more things I want to share… but I wanted to start with a WELCOME BACK post to give a little update on where we’ve been… I am going to set out time each week to get back to my writing. Most nights by the time both boys are asleep and I sit down on the couch, I can’t keep my eyes open!!! Even this post took me about 4 days to complete. I definitely don’t always know the answers and make a lot of mistakes along the way–but it’s very important to me that I share our journey and what I learn along the way.

July 15, 2019

Our First Family Vacation

I am still on a high from three of the best days of my life and it has EVERYTHING to do with the 4 humans you see in these pictures with me! I tried to capture the highlights of the trip in this slideshow, but it was so hard not to choose them all! We went on our first family vacation. It was actually our second but the first one was only a one night stay in Hollister so I am calling that more of a sleep over. We went to Twain Harte and it was a dream come true for so many reasons.

First and foremost, as you can see in that cover photo, we visited Columbia and took a family portrait Western style. The reason this was so special was because when I was a kid, my grandfather had a house in Columbia (about 20 miles from Twain Harte) and we spent at least 2 weeks there every summer. My family had taken a picture just like this one when my brother and I were even younger then Riley and I was thrilled to be able to do it again with him. We also took him to through the little gold mining town and bought matching cowboy hats! He is currently enthralled with Toy Story and all the characters… He was very excited to meet a real life cowboy and say “Howdy” like Woody. We found a few cowboy playing a guitar in the middle of town, and Riley was content to just sit and watch him all morning. He danced a long to the music and continued to say “Howdy” to the man (the man was so patient and kind–he played right a long and would answer back with Howdy every time). We even visited our favorite ice cream store that has not changed one bit in 40 years! When we were kids, we begged to walk down there every day and get a home made waffle cone with ice cream. So I could not wait to take him there to have an ice cream—he of course chose “Hulkie purple” (because Hulk’s pants are purple) and ate every bite. We left Columbia as it started to get hot and he fell fast asleep talking about cowboys and ice cream.

I also faced a HUGE fear of mine of mine taking this trip. When I decided to become a single mom, I honestly did not think I would ever travel again for a few reasons… First, I did not think I would be able to afford it. Living in the Bay Area and living on a single teacher income is tight already–I feared that with a child my greatest adventures may be to the grocery store or Target!!!! However, thanks to my Rodan + Fields business, I had the extra money to get away for a few days with my family. We are very simple travelers… and if I am being honest–the quiet country in a cabin is my gig! I don’t need to jump on an airplane and travel to a far away destination (although don’t get me wrong I do hope to some day) or stay in a fancy hotel with all the amenities to feel like I am on vacation. It probably came from the way I was raised, but growing up we spent most summers camping or at the cabins of our friends and family–swimming in lakes and pools, and eating ice cream cones together! To be able to begin this tradition with my sweet Riley is something I dreamed about. In fact, I am still best friends with all of my childhood friends we vacationed with and we are already planning a trip together next summer!

The BIGGEST concern and HORRIBLE fear I faced on this trip was the monster living in…MY OWN HEAD!!! I have mentioned many times what a challenge Riley had as an infant. He had a lot of tummy issues, didn’t sleep well, and had a rather intense temperament. He did not like the stroller, the car seat, or any kind of pouch on my body. There were times when I had to play loud white noise in the stroller to get through Safeway without him screaming. I read every book, blog, or website, I could find on how to soothe and calm your baby–and there were days when I truly felt helpless. Needless to say–I was dedicated to helping this sweet boy sleep–would do just about anything to accomplish it. We did create a wonderful and consistent routine, and he developed amazing sleeping habits. He now takes a solid 1.5-2 hour nap every day and sleeps 11-12 hours every night. However, I come home for every nap, he has never slept anywhere but here, and his room is has black out shades and white noise. So if you haven’t figured it out yet—huge scary monster that was living in my head told me that I could not go on any vacations. I honestly thought he would never sleep anywhere but here. I tiptoed towards the monster in April. We visited Hollister for my dad’s birthday and Riley fell asleep on the way there. I was so excited he napped in the car, but still worried about bedtime. We had brought the sound machine and his cozies (that is what we call his sleep sack) and of course Sophie (his stuffed giraffe with a binkie attached) to recreate the environment as best we could. I gave him a bath in the hotel tub, warmed up his milk, and sat and sang him our songs. Once he was asleep, I laid him in the pack and play and he slept for 12 hours!!!!! He slept again on the way home the next day and the trip was a perfect success! That is when I was ready to out on my big girl boots and take big steps towards the SCARY MONSTER!!!! We purposely planned to leave around nap time. It takes about 2.5 hours to get there, so I figured even if he fell asleep for part of the ride, it would be ok. He ended up sleeping almost the whole way there and was BLISSFULLY happy when he woke up! . I won’t bore you with every detail–but he slept 11 hours every night and took a 2 hour nap every day we were there. All this to say–Momma conquered her fear of the TRAVEL SLEEP MONSTER (as I will call it) and Riley was a CHAMP!

The smile that was on his face when he woke up in the parking lot of the grocery store was pretty much plastered on his face for the next three days. He absolutely adores his Gaga, Papa, and Uncle Dan-and nothing made him happier then to have all of them sleeping in the same house with him! As soon as we got to the cabin, he ran to the deck and laid out on a lounge chair with the “boys”. We got unpacked, had dinner, and hung out on the deck. It was the best!!! The next morning Riley popped up in his crib and could not wait to go find everyone. I don’t think I have ever seen my dad happier to be woken up at 6:30 in the morning with a big kiss from Riley!!! “Papa Wake UP” were his exact words and he was just as THRILLED as my dad! We visited Columbia in the morning and spent the rest of the day at the house so Riley could nap. We spent most of the evening on the the deck–Riley rode his bike, played with a big bucket of water, and had a blast! My dad made my favorite BBQ chicken and we ate altogether outside! It felt just like when I was a kid–but even better because I was getting to live it through the eyes of my own son. And he could not have been happier! My parents went home the next morning, so my brother and I walked down to Twain Harte lake with him. Again, something we always did as kids, and I was very excited to do it with Riley. I am not exaggerating when I say that the minute his feet hit the sand, he raced off for the water and LOVED every minute! Uncle Dan is much more fond (and tolerant of freezing cold) of the water then momma–so I was able to really take in the pure joy and excitement of Riley going in the water for the first time. The relationship between Riley and my brother is hard to describe in words….and watching them play in that lake together was one of my favorite parts of the whole week. We ate lunch at the “snack shack” just like when we were kids, and Riley did not want to leave!!! We got him home so he could take a power nap… and then took him into town to meet the firefighters. Once again, the smile on his face said it all. He was so excited to not only meet the firemen, but they even let him climb into the truck. I mean what is better than sitting in a firetruck with your cowboy hat on right???!! This boy was on cloud 9! The three of us had a pretty relaxed evening of Sesame Street and leftovers and headed home the next morning.

I remember as a kid, driving home was always my least favorite part of the trip. As we got on 280 and I saw the fog overhead, I knew vacation was over and it meant we were heading back to school. As we drove home on Saturday—I was still a little bummed to leave the peaceful surroundings of Twain Harte–and have our vacation come to an end… But I also felt like it was a brand new beginning in so many ways! We had started (or continued depending on how I think about) a new very special tradition and created some incredible memories. I mentioned it before, but it was hard to choose only a few pictures from the trip. Every time I look back at them, I feel like I am right back there—and Riley is still talking about it! DREAMS COME TRUE!!!!

July 3, 2019

A Hold on My Heart

I have put my Riley to bed almost every night for the last 2 years…. There was a Back to School Night and 1 other night that I could not be home in time and Uncle Dan took over. I have turned down invites or left after bedtime to be able to put him down each night because it is so important to me. We developed a special routine from day 1 and have been doing it ever since with adjustments as he gets older. When he was a newborn, our routine started with bath time. He did not love the bath at first, but it did not take long for him to giggle and smile when his feet touched the water. After bath time, we would head to momma’s bed to give him a massage, wrap him up in his sleep sack (or cozies as we call them), say good night to Guncle (who has not missed many bath times), and lay in momma’s arms for his bottle. As he drank his milk, I would sing to him…Even when I was still in the hospital with him, I would sing to him every night as he laid in my arms. I don’t remember exactly when, but there became a specific order of the songs that I sing to him—a Riley bedtime playlist if you will! Riley’s bedtime playlist has not gone platinum yet but just in case you are curious–here it goes: Riley’s Bedtime Playlist Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, ABC’s, 1,2,3 (which is the alphabet song but counting to 20 instead–made up by Uncle Dan), My Favorite Things (Sound of Music), Take Me Out to the Ballgame (of course!), Soft Kitty (yes from Big Bang Theory–he loves it), and ending with a version of the BINGO song… but instead of Bingo I spell out RILEY… “There’s a boy that Mommy loves, and Riley is his name-o”—-and go through everyone that loves him… When he was tiny–I sometimes had to repeat the last song a few times before he finished his milk, burped, and fell fast asleep. Then I would gently kiss his forehead, lay him in his bassinet next to my bed, and tip toe out of the room. If iI am being honest, some nights I was so tired, I would just lay down right next to him on my bed and fall asleep too!

When he got a little older (and too big for the bassinet) I had to transition him to his own crib and room. This was harder then I thought it would be–but mostly for me! He on the other hand loved his crib!!! Our bedtime routine still began with his bath, and then into his room to get on cozies and then sit with momma in the rocking chair for songs, milk, and cuddles until he fell asleep. I would close my eyes and nod off to some nights. It became one of my most favorite times of day–having my little boy all cuddled up in my arms sleeping peacefully.

Before I knew it, that little tiny newborn swaddled up in my arms, was a 2 year old boy whose legs now dangle off of mine in that chair! Bath time now includes bubbles, sometimes colored water, and A LOT of superheroes! I try not to read the mommy how to articles–and that means that he was drinking a bedtime bottle on my lap until well past 18 months (the books all say to stop after a year and I had no idea)! I am here to tell you that a bottle a few months longer was no big deal and we transitioned to a sippy cup in no time! Songs with momma and lots of cuddles…..BUT here’s the thing… that little body just keeps growing….

The past 2 weeks, he has not been so interested in his milk and has been squirming a lot more on my lap—our cuddle time was beginning to look a little different–his legs are too long to lay sideways on my lap–and it takes him awhile to get comfy… But neither of us was ready to give it up. I would whisper, “Ri Ri do you want to go in your bed”, and he would quickly reply, “No—chair”… and lay completely still so that I would not ask him again.

Then last night happened… we did not even bring a sippy cup into the room. He did not want milk at bedtime. I know this sounds like a silly thing to make a big deal about–but my little boy is growing up. The most special part was that he still wanted to sit on my lap and listen to all his songs. He took one of my hands and put it on his cheek and then intertwined his fingers on his other hand with mine until I finished singing. Tears of course rolled down my cheeks as I felt his warm little cheek on my right hand and held his left hand in mine. Time is flying by and I am cherishing every minute. I know that he will not want to hold my hand forever, but he has a FOREVER hold on my heart.

June 25, 2019

No Momma Work (or wurt as Ri Ri calls it)!

School’s out for summer! I have not been on here in awhile and that is mostly because it was quite a year in Ms. Twomey’s first grade class! I was spending my days with my school munchkins, and my evenings loving up my sweet boy for every second possible before bedtime. After bedtime, I was checking in with my Rodan + Fields team and customers… doing my nightly meditations and affirmations… and then fast asleep to be up for my 4:15 workout. Needless to say, something had to give, and it was my blog. However, that is not how I want it to be, and am going to commit to being more consistent in the fall when school is back in session… But for now–

SUMMER HAS BEGUN!!!! Almost every day of the school year, Riley says “No Momma Wurt” (that is how he pronounces work) when I am getting ready to leave. On Saturday and Sunday morning, he is always so excited because he knows that it is not a momma work day. We cheer and yell NO MOMMA WORK!!! So we were both very excited last Friday when I got home and I was officially off for the next 7ish weeks. My school calendar follows a modified year round schedule, so we have a shorter summer and multiple breaks during the year.

I feel like I have a lot to updates to give since my last post in January! A lot has happened in the last 5 months! First and foremost, my sweet Riley has grown into a little BOY! He turned 2 in May and time is going way to fast!!!! It honestly feels not that long ago that I was terrified to put this tiny little baby in the carseat (mostly because he hated it and screamed his head off)…. and now he climbs into his front facing seat all by himself and can fasten his own belt. I remember being up with him every 1-2 hours for months and months, and wondering if he would ever sleep through the night… and now I lay him down by 7:30 and he has been sleeping soundly until 6:30 or 7 the next morning. I remember how sensitive his tummy was—I tried formula after formula and all different bottle brands… and the poor guy had so much trouble. I was so worried he was not getting enough food in him and that it would affect his growth. And now, he will eat ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING and towers over kids his age! His coos turned into babbles, his babbles into words, his words into phrases, and now he is talking in almost complete sentences–minus a few prepositions (once a teacher always a teacher)!!! I know I am bias, but I am pretty sure he is a baby genius! Hee hee hee, no but really it is just so amazing to watch his little mind grow and develop every single day. It sounds cliche, but his brain is like a little (or big) sponge and soaks up every ounce of information he sees and hears. It is a BLAST!

Every month for the first year, I would fill out the chalkboard and list all of highlights and milestones… number of teeth, height & weight, likes and dislikes, and favorite things. Fast forward to 2 years old… He has all his teeth and LOVES to eat!!! He is very lucky to have no allergies or food restrictions and he will try anything (unlike his picky momma). That makes taking him places super easy and a lot of fun. He also has developed a love of superheroes… Now that I think about it this should really come as no surprise–Guncle (Uncle Dan) bought him a batman onesie before he was even born and it was the first one he wore when I brought him home to California. Superhero Fridays began when he was 3 months old… Ironically, it was the Hulk onesie that got it all started. Every Friday, we dressed Riley in a different superhero onesie and took a picture. Hulk is hands down his very favorite superhero–so much so that he no longer calls the color green by its name. Anytime he sees anything green.. he says “hulk”…. There is a “hulk” car parked in front of the Ford Dealership in Daly City that my parents drive by for him to see all the time! We eat “hulk” melon (honeydew), “hulk” m&m’s, & “hulk” grapes, drink out of a “hulk” water bottle, and even “hulk” colored tablets for the bath! I joke with my family that when he goes to take a Kindergarten assessment and they ask him his colors, he will say HULK instead of green!!!

He has learned the names of all the other superheroes as well and this includes both Marvel and DC! In fact, his second birthday was Superhero themed and every guest got to wear a cape! He was very excited to watch his first episode of Sesame Street when he turned two and now LOVES to sit on the bean bag chair and watch Elmo in the evening. He can name all of the Sesame Street characters as well–and yes, Oscar the grouch is often called the “hulkie” one! Other loves of Riley include Target (he would go there everyday if he could), Pops from Starbucks, playing outside, and water! During my spring break, we took our first trip away since he was born. We spent a night in Hollister to celebrate my dad’s birthday and Riley went swimming for the first time. HE LOVED IT! We are going to start swimming lessons soon!!! I could go on about all the things my sweet boy loves… but if I was to capture it in one sentence, I would say, Riley LOVES LIFE! He brings joy and laughter to every day and teaches me everyday to live and enjoy every moment. I cannot imagine life without him and have said it before, but he is MY DREAM COME TRUE!

December 10, 2018December 25, 2018

The Elephant

Life has been a little chaotic for the past few months and I have not written in awhile. I have a very special student this year in first grade who needs a lot of extra support and 23 other students who also need a lot of support in various ways–academics, social emotional, and some even just basic needs. Since I am at work all day, I spend every waking moment I can with my guy when I get home… and if I’m being honest, often crash at night before 8:30 p.m.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, my brother Dan did our Christmas photo shoot in the garage. Who needs JCPenney’s when your brother is a talented photographer! This will be the second Christmas for my sweet Riley and I. He is growing so fast and will be 19 months old at the end of the month. Time is flying by!!!! I didn’t think much of the fact that we had included the light up elephant in our photo until someone asked Dan at work about it. He had seen an elephant in a few pictures with Riley and asked what the significance of the elephant was. It was then that I realized just how symbolic the elephant had been throughout my journey to motherhood, and how much the symbol had evolved over the course of 5 years.

I have honestly always loved elephants–Dumbo, Horton, and even the elephants at the zoo–there was always something about them that struck a cord in my heart. When I began my journey to motherhood almost 5 years ago–I knew it would be a little more difficult as a single woman. At that time, I was living on a teacher’s salary, and was living in a 2 bedroom condo with my twin brother. I was obviously working full time and knew that childcare would be an added expense I may not be able to afford. I have always been a planner and make sure to have all my ducks in a row before I begin any venture. Becoming a mother was no different. I made a checklist of the things I needed to have in place before I could move forward. Here is a snapshot of that list:

Supplemental Income
Child care
Bigger house (my brother had made it clear that where we were living would be too small for 3 of us, and I could not afford to live on my own with a little one on the way)
Selling my condo (in order to look for a bigger house–which at that time we hoped to find a duplex, I needed to sell the condo I had purchased in 2008).
Finances to pay for sperm donor (which later turned into finances to pay for IVF, & then adoption–but on my initial list they were obviously not there)

This is just a snapshot of the things that I wrote down and then I began to check them off. It was right about this time, that my two life long friends introduced me to Rodan + Fields. At the time, I had no interest in selling skincare, but did know that I needed to have some form of supplemental income. 5 years later it was the best decision of my life and the reason I was able to afford the adoption process and stay home an extra 6 weeks with my sweet boy. I am lucky enough to have an incredible family who took care of item number 2! My retired parents told me that I would never have to worry about paying for any kind of childcare-they would be there for me every step of the way! I put my condo up on the market and it sold in 5 days for over the asking price. As I have mentioned before, we were unable to purchase a home of any kind in the crazy market, but we did find a 3 bedroom house in a quiet neighborhood to rent in (we are still on this street now). Beginning my skincare business and selling my condo took care of the financial part of the journey. So on paper I was ready! I had done all my homework, checked off all the boxes, and was ready!

Little did I know that unlike the other areas in my life–where studying, hard work, preparation, and determination led to success–fertility was a whole different journey. I found out quickly, that my rode to motherhood would not go as smoothly as I imagined it. The first road I went down was IUI–only to find out that I had a blocked fallopian tube and non responsive ovaries. It was at this time that my good friend, and fellow single momma, gifted me a ceramic elephant. She told me it was a symbol of fertility. WOW! WOW! WOW! No wonder I had felt a connection to this beautiful animal my entire life. All I had ever dreamed of was being a mom and my connection to the elephant made perfect sense! With IUI ruled out as an option—I began to research IVF. I found an amazing fertility doctor and acupuncturist who gave me so much hope! It was a long, emotional journey and that elephant sat right on my nightstand through the whole thing. I remember looking at it each night before I went to sleep and whispering a secret “please help me”…. Not only did the IVF attempt fail, I was also told that there was an 80% chance I would be unable to conceive on my own. My world felt like it was shattering around me. I felt like a failure and almost unfeminine. I felt angry and resentful. I came home that night after receiving the news, and put that ceramic elephant in a drawer–slamming it shut through tear filled eyes.

As you know, my journey did not end here. Although there was that 20% chance of being able to successfully conceive a child, I did a lot of self reflecting and decided I wanted to adopt. And after 3 emotional years, I finally received that call… I had been chosen! I have told that story in great detail in previous posts. I had only 2 weeks to prepare for the birth and did not know if the baby was a boy or a girl. When I explained to my first grade class why I would be leaving them a month early from the school year, one of the first questions was, “It is a boy or a girl?” I told them I did not know and that we would call the baby “Peanut Twomey”. It just came out of my mouth–and I am still unsure why or how. There were two amazing moms in my class who threw me a last minute baby shower and guess what the theme was? Elephants and peanuts filled my room–decorations, plates, napkins, cups–you name it, that elephant was back. And at the time, I didn’t think much of it. I created a “Baby Peanut” private Facebook group for my friends and family to follow our journey and the elephant symbol stuck. Riley’s coming home onesie said “Welcome home peanut” with a picture of an elephant and a peanut.

After arriving home, one of Riley’s first gifts was a stuffed elephant from my cousin Debbie. He loved it! A few weeks later, a dear friend came over with the Flappy the Elephant (Gund) that sings and moves to “Do your Ears Hang Low”. If he didn’t already love elephants, he sure did now! And I have given this gift to every new mother since! 18 months later, Riley still gets a huge smile on his face every time he sees it! And so it was, the elephant became a symbol of happiness and joy in our house.

When it came time to plan his first birthday… I of course went with elephants! My extremely talented friend painted him a HUGE Dumbo backdrop and I went with the Circus theme. Although my brother deemed it too cheesy and he wore it under his outfit at his party, I did go on Etsy and buy him a personalized elephant onesie for his big day! His smile lit up the park when he saw his Dumbo themed cake and backdrop. Every time he sees an elephant, he points and makes the sound my mom taught him that an elephant makes (I wish this had sound so you could hear–it’s priceless)! I went on a field trip with my class in October to the Oakland Zoo, and could not wait to visit the elephants! I even took video to come home and show Riley. As Halloween passed, and Christmas decorations began to fill the stores, it was an automatic when we passed the elephant at Target. Riley was beside himself and only after some careful negotiations did he allow us to put in on the porch. There was also no way it wasn’t going to be in our Christmas picture this year. But to be honest, I really didn’t think much about how this symbol had evolved over the past 5 years. It had gone from one of hope and faith, to one of suffering, loss, and devastation—and is now one of genuine love and happiness. As I have researched more about the symbolism of an elephant I found it is one of strength and good luck. When I look down at my sweet boy every night, I feel an overwhelming sense of strength and good fortune. And now when someone asks me what my favorite animal is… you can be sure I will answer an ELEPHANT!

October 8, 2018

Enjoy every moment

It has been a few weeks since my last post. As I have mentioned before, I teach first grade and it has been a very busy start to the year. After my sweet boy goes to bed, I am doing my skincare business. Needless to say, this is the first moment I have had to come on and write a new post. My school district is on a modified year round calendar and today begins our 2 week Fall Break. Many people are traveling over the break and I got asked a lot about what my plans were. My answer was always the same… “I am waking up every morning with my sweet boy, and spending each day together”. We are not traveling anywhere and have no set plans. I am hoping to take him to the zoo, the aquarium, and maybe even get him his first hair cut. That may sound boring to some, but I truly could not be happier.

There were many times I sat and thought about what my weekends, breaks, and summers would like if I had a child, and even cried many times wishing it was my reality. Every time I knew I was going to be on a break of any kind, I would make sure to find out if my cousins were off too or if any of my friends needed help with their munchkins. I called it “Shannycamp” and looked forward to it every year. On May 26, 2017 my dream came true and sweet Riley chose me to be his momma! Being a mom has really taught me what it means to enjoy every moment. Time goes by so fast and 16 months flew by. I look back at pictures and relive all the love and joy we have shared already. I rush home everyday to spend every minute I can with my guy before bedtime, and love the weekends! On Friday nights when I lay Riley in his bed, I whisper… momma gets to wake up with you Saturday and Sunday! Last Friday night, I was so excited to tell him that we get to wake up together every day for two weeks!

I have always been a person who has trouble living in the moment and just being still. I am always thinking about what is going to happen next or what I should be doing. I go to a yoga class and can never understand how people can be so focused for 60-90 minutes! I have tried meditation multiple times, and struggle to make it 5 minutes…. Being a mom has definitely not added more minutes in the day for yoga or meditation–and has in fact added to the list of things to think about, worry about and plan ahead for. But what is has done, is taught me to live in the moment–and as cliché as it sounds, enjoy every moment. I find myself just sitting with Riley on the floor reading a book, or looking at the elephant video I made him at the zoo, and just feel so lucky. I may not be getting everything right, and would be lying if I said that every day was easy–we are in the midst of TODDLERVILLE and days can be challenging! But there is one thing I know for sure–this little boy chose me to be his momma and it does not matter where we are or what we are doing–every day together is my favorite day.

August 31, 2018

What a Difference a Year Makes

This past summer was much different then last summer. Last year, my summer began on May 17. I got the call on May 9 that I had been chosen and Riley’s original due date was May 21. I met with my principal and we decided my last day of school would be Friday May 17. There was still almost a month left of school but I did not finish the year with my kids. I spent one week getting my house as ready as it could be and then rushed off to North Carolina that Friday morning for the birth of my sweet boy. It ended up being a much more frantic departure and travel then I had hoped for, but I made it there safely and had him in my arms by 7:30 that night. My dad flew in the next day, and the three of us spent the next week in a hotel in North Carolina waiting for the call that we could come home.

I spent the rest of the summer bonding with my baby and adjusting to my new life as a mom. Even when I type those words “life as a mom”, my heart fills with joy… “Mom life” is something I have dreamed about forever! And believe me when I say it was a dream come true. But I would be lying if I said it was an easy first year. Riley was a very intense newborn. He had some tummy/temperament issues and I spent a lot of time trying to find ways to soothe and comfort him. There were many, many, (many, many, many) sleepless nights–and some equally challenging days where I felt like nothing I did was helping. I will never forget our second night in the hotel when he was only 4 days old. He woke up screaming and my dad and I both jumped out of bed. I tried to feed him and he kept screaming. He had already been changed so I knew it wasn’t that. I walked around the room rocking and shushing, bouncing and humming, and finally got him back to sleep. We actually went back to the hospital the next morning to visit our favorite nurse and ask for advice. She suggested a tummy wrap that I could warm in the microwave and wrap around his little tummy. I downloaded Dr. Karp’s Happiest Baby on the Block calming white noise album to my phone, and we went to Walmart to get the same formula they used at the hospital and gas drops. These things worked a little, but nothing seemed to consistently work. I figured he was just getting adjusted to being out of the hospital and once we got home and into a routine, things would calm down.

Not much changed when we got home. He was not sleeping much and cried a lot. I ended up in tears many times myself and felt like I was failing my little guy. It seemed like his tummy may be the reason he was so upset–so I tried anything and everything suggested. I tried about 5 different formulas and finally decided to try a hypoallergenic one for babies with milk allergies and colic. It seemed to help a little so I stayed with it. I also took him to the doctor and the pediatrician looked at me and said, “That’s part of being an infant. It sounds like he could have reflux.” I am still convinced he gave me the prescription so I would stop emailing him. The medicine seemed to help a bit-but weren’t great. I spent hours and hours looking for ways to soothe him. I read Happiest Baby on the Block and did everything it said. I even purchased the special rocking crib that was supposed to help. He hated the car seat and the stroller, so those were no help either. We had two stability balls in the house and my brother would even stand in front of the fan on the stove in the kitchen. Needless to say, the first 8 months or so were rough. Don’t get me wrong–they were also filled with so much happiness and joy. I do not mean to make it sound like he cried all the time… He was just an intense baby and needed a lot of soothing. Nights were the hardest and like many new moms, I was exhausted. I remember people would tell me, “Don’t worry, it will get better at 4 months.” 4 months came and went and nothing changed… “Don’t worry–by 6 months, it will be better”… So I held on for 6 months…Not much change… It wasn’t until about 9-10 months that I can honestly say he was sleeping more peacefully and was not crying much at all. He was crawling all over the place and began to develop quite a little personality. By the time he turned 1 he started walking and has been on the move ever since!

Riley turned 15 months old last week, and is truly the happiest little boy! He has no allergies and no tummy issues at all. He loves to eat and is a great sleeper! He takes two solid naps a day and sleeps 11 hours a night! That little smile lights up the room and it fills my heart to see him so happy. I have always loved the belly laugh of a baby—but hearing the belly laugh of your own child is indescribable. I run for my classroom at lunchtime to see his little face on face time, and rush home as soon as I can each afternoon to scoop him up and dance around the room! The smiles, the giggles, the hugs, the kisses–and yes even those grumpy moments–this is what I waited for and it was truly worth the wait!!!!

August 25, 2018

Back to Work

It has been a few weeks since my last post. I was so flattered to have a few people message to ask where I have been. I am a first grade teacher and summer vacation came to an end. The school district I work for is on a modified year round calendar so our summer was only about 6 weeks. We got out in late June and I headed back the first week of August to prepare my classroom for a new bunch of bright-eyed munchkins. It has taken me the last 2 weeks to get back in the swing of working every day and getting into a routine. The day begins about 4AM and I don’t stop moving until about 8:00 PM (and if I am being honest, the last two weeks, I have had a hard time keeping my eyes open much past 8:30)!

I loved every minute of my summer vacation with my sweet boy! Although I love being a teacher, being a mom is definitely what I love more than anything in the world. I know being a stay at home mom is not for everyone, but I can honestly say that it would be my dream. One of the things that I worried most about when I decided to become a single mom was the financial part. It is so expensive even just to live in the Bay Area–and when you add a child to that–it is only that much more. I knew that I would need to find a way to supplement my teaching salary if I was going to raise a child on my own. It was at right about the same time that two of my life long friends presented me with an opportunity to start my own direct sales skin care business. I knew ABSOLUTELY nothing about skin care or direct sales but the one thing I did know was that I would do ANYTHING to provide the best life for my future baby (this was almost 5 years ago when I had not even started the process yet). I had no idea where it would take me, but decided to jump in and give it a shot. It ended up being the best decision I could have made personally, professionally, and most of all financially. My business is what helped me pay for a lot of the expenses on my journey (with both IVF and adoption). My business is also what allowed me to stay home with my guy for an additional six weeks when summer was last year. My school district does not provide paid maternity leave, and I was told by the insurance company that I also could not claim disability since I did not actually give birth. This meant that the only leave I could take was under FMLA (Family Leave Act) for bonding with an adopted child. I would only receive half-pay from the school district after using up my 10 sick days. So with my skin care business, I could afford to take 6 weeks. This allowed me to be home with him until he was about 5 months old (I have lots more to say about how differently adoptive parents are treated–but that is for another post). It was such a gift to be home with him and it was the first time in my teaching career that I did not want to go back to work.

Needless to say, I could not wait for summer to come and it was even harder to go back this year. I loved waking up every morning and looking over at the monitor knowing that I did not have to get up and go to work. I would listen for his little hum as he started to stir and then wait for him to sit up in his crib and wait quietly for me to come in. As soon as I opened the door, he would stick his hands on the edge of the crib and peek over with Sophie (his wub a nub pacifier) hanging out of his mouth. I can always see the big smile from behind his binky. I told him every morning how it was another momma and Ri Ri day and I didn’t have to go to work. He would look up at me, smile, and give me big hugs. There were many mornings, I got a little teary eyed as I held on tight for my morning squeezes. We spent the summer going to parks, going on play dates, playing outside, and really enjoying our time together. When people ask me if I went anywhere this summer or what I did… my answer is always the same… “I just spent the summer loving up my sweet baby boy”.

Today was the end of the second week of school. This is my 14th year teaching and I have always been the teacher who comes early, leaves late, works at night while watching tv and works all weekend (in the classroom a lot of the time). Once Riley came into my life… all of that changed. It has been a huge adjustment to not be able to spend the same amount of time planning and prepping that I did before. I felt like I was failing as a teacher for much of last year, and am so thankful to have an amazing first grade team and colleagues who helped me get through my first year as teacher and mom. This year just started but already feels better. I am working more efficiently so that when I leave work, all my time is focused on my sweet boy. I leave every day right at 3:05 so I can get in every minute with him I can before bedtime.

I also could not end this post without talking about how truly blessed I am to have the unending support and love of my family. My mom and dad take care of Riley every single day when I am at work. They call me every day on face time at lunch, so I can say hello, and if he is asleep when I leave in the morning, I even get a good morning face time before the bell rings. My brother gets home every day before me, and comes right in to help. He is off on Fridays and lets me get up every Friday morning and go to the gym. Riley and I could not be luckier and don’t let a day go by without telling them how much we love and appreciate them.

So as I sit here at the end of week 2, I am feeling a range of emotions… I am feeling thankful for two jobs that I love…. appreciative and thankful to my supportive friends and colleagues for all they do for me… I am exhausted from the last two weeks… and I am invigorated and excited that I get to wake up tomorrow morning and spend the whole day with my boy!!!!

August 11, 2018August 11, 2018

Forming a Bond

A very good family friend sent this quote to me the night my sweet Riley was born. I had tears running down my face and onto the forehead of my sweet boy who was laying on my bare chest when I read the message. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, and had always envisioned that my child would grow inside of me. When I decided to adopt, I had no doubt in my mind that I would love this child with all my heart and soul… But there was a small little part of me that was so worried it would be harder to bond with my baby if he or she did not come from my womb. I remember sitting on the airplane feeling over the moon excited to meet my new baby–and still just couldn’t help but feel a little nervous as well. Questions continued to flood my brain as I made the long drive–and by this time I knew that a sweet baby boy was laying in that nursery. What if he cried when I held him? Would he look at me and see how much I loved him? Would I feel like his mom? Would we share the same bond that birth mothers have with their newborns? These are only a few of the many questions I asked myself over and over until I arrived.

The moment I pulled into the parking lot, the feeling in my gut changed… I was on my way to meet my son! MY SON! I was running at this point to get inside. When I got off the elevator and began walking down the hallway–I whispered over and over “here I come my sweet boy–momma’s here”. I could see him from the end of the hallway-laying there swaddled in his blanket with the little newborn beanie on his head. The moment I walked into the room and laid eyes on him, I can honestly say—it was love at first sight. The birth father let me pick him up right away. As I held him in my arms the first time, I leaned down close to his face, kissed him on the forehead and whispered, “I love you my sweet boy. You are my dream come true”. He looked right up at me and in that moment, I knew we were meant to be together. The universe truly had conspired to help us find each other and there was an instant bond.

I was also so very lucky to have some incredible nurses working on the floor the weekend Riley was born. They were very aware of the circumstances, and went out of their way to make sure our bonding time started right away. They let me have my own room, and began the skin to skin contact within an hour of me arriving. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, he slept quietly on my chest–and I never felt happier. The only time I took him off my chest that night was to feed him or change him. They actually had to force me to lay him in his crib as I dosed off to be sure that everyone was safe. I did little to no sleeping that night, and just watched him sleep. We stayed in the hospital for 2 more nights and then moved to the hotel with my dad. Although living in a hotel with a newborn for a week was not the most ideal situation—it allowed for a lot of bonding time. Riley spent majority of his time being held by either my dad or I and slept right next to me every night. Looking back, it was such a special week and I feel so lucky to have had this time with him.

Since I am a teacher, and Riley was born at the end of May, it led right into my summer break. This left us another two months of bonding time. My school district does not offer paid maternity leave, and I found out the adoptive parents do not qualify for any disability since they did not actually give birth (I have lots more to say about that but will not here)… Under the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) I did qualify for up to 12 weeks to bond with my newborn child… however, as I mentioned before my district did not offer paid leave. I had to exhaust all of my sick time (10 days) and then received half-pay for whatever time I missed. This is a lot of the reason I started my skincare business 4 years ago. It allowed me to take 6 extra weeks with my sweet boy and receive half-pay at work. To be honest, I would have found a way no matter what. I knew this bonding time was so so important. I was able to spend every day at home with him until November 1 and cherished every minute. He was not the best sleeper (especially at night) so we spent a lot of time together. He spent a lot of the first 6 months crying and I continued to find ways to soothe and comfort him. The bond between us grew stronger and stronger every day.

I am sitting here on Friday night, after our second summer together, and have tears in my eyes. I love my sweet boy more than words can express and truly feel like I love him more each day. He is almost 15 months old and beginning to talk more and more. Every time he looks at me and says “Momma” my heart explodes. I am 100% positive that the universe conspired to bring us together.

This post started with a quote and I wanted to end with another quote from the children’s book The Giving Tree…. “and she loved a little boy very, very much, even more than she loved herself”.

August 2, 2018

IVF misconceptions

One of the primary reasons I started this blog was to share information and help people understand my personal journey to motherhood. As I went through this very emotional journey, I learned so much–and sometimes struggled with feeling alone or misunderstood. It is my hope that by sharing my story and anything I learned along the way, I can help others to understand and even feel supported in their journey.

My brother shared this article with me a few days ago and it obviously hit home for me. I wanted to share it here. I too had a lot of misconceptions about IVF until about 5 years ago when I was experiencing it myself. Since then, I have connected with so many other women (and couples), some in my own family, who face fertility issues and IVF is their only option to conceive. It is a very expensive journey and rarely covered by insurance. I learned a lot about the history of IVF and how it has evolved over the last 40 years.

IVF and Insurance 40 Years later