Tag: open adoption

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Preparing for “Peanut”

Once the match was official and the home study update was in motion, Phase 2 was off and running. There were still a lot of logistics to figure out and preparations to be made. The birth mother lived in North Carolina and the estimated due date was May 21. She told me she had been at least a week late with her other children and felt like this one was going to be the same way.  I knew I probably had a little extra time, but there was no way to be sure. I did not want to get there too early and not only have nothing to do (when I had an entire nursery to put together and shopping to do for my baby here at home) but I was also going to lose pay at work. I teach first grade and we were still over a month away from ending the school year. There is no such thing as maternity leave for adoptive parents and my school district offers a 20 day adoption leave at half-pay. Then I had to exhaust my 10 sick days before being unpaid.  Most importantly, I REALLY did not want to be there too late and miss the birth. I reached out to the agency for advice and they really had no advice. They said it was completely up to me.  The other tricky part was there were two possible hospitals she was going to deliver at depending on how soon she went into labor. That played a huge part in what airport I flew into and what hotel I booked. My mom was going to fly with me, and we were so unsure of when to leave. I had no choice but to “wait and see” as the due date got closer.

I told my principal right away that I had been chosen and she (as well as my entire faculty) were very supportive. We decided that my last day with my kids would be Friday, May 17. Even if I did not leave for North Carolina that weekend, I had so much to do to prepare for my sweet baby to arrive home. This meant that I would not be able to finish the school year with my class, which is something that I had never done before. This felt so strange and was the first time I realized that I was no longer just the “school mom” I was going to be mom to a sweet little angel very soon. Every decision I make from now on was going to be in the best interest of that little person.

Telling my students about the adoption was a very special experience as well. I read them the book “A Mother For Choco” by Keiko Kasza and then explained what adoption meant. I told them that I was going to be mom to a sweet baby in North Carolina who was going to be born in the next few weeks. They had so many questions–“Are you married? Who is the dad? Where is North Carolina? Are you coming back? Is it a boy or a girl? What is the name?”  I answered each one in the most genuine (and kid friendly) way possible. We went on the map and I showed them where California was and we drew a line to North Carolina…. I told them that I did not know yet if it was a boy or a girl, so we would call the baby “Peanut”. They loved that and were truly so excited for Peanut to come! I even set up a facebook group called Peanut so my friends and family could follow as I anticipated, prepared, and once again waited. The faculty through me a shower the Thursday before I left and my class through me one on my last day. I felt showered with love and support. I left school that Friday afternoon feeling so excited, yet still so anxious and nervous… We still had no flights  or hotels booked, and I had not even begun to pack or set up the nursery.

Thanks to some amazing friends and family, the nursery came together quickly. I was honored to be able to use the crib that my parents had bought for two little cousins who are now 8 and 10. One of my best girlfriends loaned me her infant car seat and base for the airplane, her bassinet, and a collection of other necessities for traveling with a newborn. One of my other best girlfriends took me to Babies’r’us to create my registry….and another one created a Target registry for me! I could never express how thankful I am to have such an incredible circle of girlfriends.

So now I just needed to figure out when to leave, where to fly into, and where to stay… It had to be a one way flight because once the baby was born, I would have to wait for everything to be legalized in North Carolina and then sent to California before I could return home. Simple right?! And so the SLEEPLESS nights began! I literally texted the birth mom every single day and she kept telling me she felt no movement and really didn’t think the baby was coming anytime soon. As each day passed I got more and more nervous. Finally, on Thursday, May 25, my dad said he thought it was better my mom and I just book our flight and leave. We decided we would leave Sunday morning. That would get us there in plenty of time. If the baby was around a week late, it would be perfect timing. We booked a hotel close to the airport and decided we would just hang out there until I got the call she was in labor. I went to bed Thursday night feeling a sense of relief. Worst case, my mom and I would have a few extra bonding days and I could work on my report cards for school!

Friday morning, I woke up early and headed to the gym. I stopped at Starbucks on my way home and got coffee for my brother and I. I was going to spend the day packing the rest of my suitcase, and doing any last minute shopping before our flight on Sunday. As I was pulling into my driveway, my cell phone rang. It was 7:00 AM and it was the birth mother’s number. I answered the phone and she said, “I think we have a baby coming today!”

I SCREAMED OUT LOUD! WHAT?! Today?! From that moment on I went into momma mode. My baby was coming and I needed to be there. I ran into the house, threw my purse on the floor and told my brother I needed to go to the airport–my baby was on the way! He looked at me like I was nuts. I was literally standing in my gym clothes, not showered, and a sweaty mess. I ran into my room, threw a toothbrush in my suitcase and zipped it up. I grabbed the car seat and my brother and I jumped in his car to go to the airport. I called my parents and told them the baby was coming and I needed to go. They were still in their pajamas and a little stunned. I hung up and called United Airlines to book the next available flight. We were driving in the car at 7:20 and the flight I booked was for 8:40. My heart was racing…. I still have no idea how I made it on that flight on time (or in one piece), but I as the plane took off, I let out a sigh of relief. Here I come my sweet baby! IT WAS THE LONGEST 5 HOURS OF MY LIFE!!!!! It didn’t help that I still had not showered–but I tried my best to distract myself. I had my laptop and booked a rental car online for when I got off the plane. I knew I would spend the next day or so at the hospital so I was not worried at this point about a hotel.

Five hours later, the plane touched down in Raleigh, North Carolina. I had obviously never been there before, had no idea where I was going, and was all by myself. The minute I turned on my phone, there was a voicemail from the birth father. The baby had been born when I was on the airplane. I started to cry. This was exactly what I had been so worried about… why had I had waited so long to leave. There was one thing I was sure of, my baby would NEVER have to wait for me again. I was on a mission and would not stop until I got there. I ran to baggage claim, took a shuttle to the rental car facility, and then google mapped the name of the hospital. It was another 90 minutes to get to the hospital according to my phone. I called the birth father in the car and he told me everyone was healthy and doing well. He asked if I wanted to know the sex or if I wanted to wait and be surprised when I got there. I told him I could not wait…. “IT’S A BOY” were the next words I heard. It felt unreal. I had a son?! The moment I waited for my whole life… My sweet baby boy was waiting for me. I am on my way PEANUT!

 

 

 

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Adoption Phase 1… preparing and waiting, and waiting, and wishing….

Once I made my decision and chose the agency I was going to work with, things started moving quickly. The entire process was broken down into 3 Phases (Phase 1, Phase 2, and Phase 3). Simply put, Phase 1 was everything before the match, Phase 2 started as soon as the match was made, and Phase 3 was all of the post adoption services.

Phase 1 was very overwhelming for me. I had no idea just how much had to be done in order to adopt a baby. I always envisioned that once I chose and agency and said I wanted to adopt a baby, they would connect me with a newborn who needed a mom. That could not have been farther from the truth. The very first thing I had to do was create a profile book. This was basically a 4 page (front to back–so really 8 pages) booklet all about me and why she should choose me to raise her unborn child. They called it a “sneak peak” into my life. HOLY ANXIETY!!!! I was terrified of not saying or showing the right things. I worked with a graphic designer who specialized in adoption profiles to help me with pictures and wording. That alone took me a couple of weeks to complete. After it was completed, I had to have 250 color copies sent to the agency to present to birth mothers. At the same time, I had to begin my home study.  This was a very extensive process including 2 separate interviews, a home visit, fingerprinting, a physical exam,  DMV records, background check, letters of recommendation, and a whole lot more paperwork. I am forever grateful to my twin brother who had to go through the whole process with me since he lived in the home and was over 18 years of age. He was such a trooper through the whole thing!

After these things were done, I was officially “waiting” to be chosen. I would receive an email on the 10th of every month, with a list of names of birth moms who saw my profile. Next to each name it said one of the following: not yet chosen, chosen but not matched, matched, decided to parent, fallen out of the system….. “Not yet chosen” means that the birth mother had not chosen an adoptive family yet.  “Chosen but not yet matched” means that the birth mom has chosen a family, but they still need to decide if they “choose” her back (all adoptive families are presented with the profile of the birth parents and get to decide if they would like to move forward). “Matched” means that the birth mother and the adoptive family are moving forward together and on to Phase II. “Fallen out of the system” means that the birth mother was either taken out of the system for some reason, or has disappeared and “decided to parent” means the birth mother has chosen to parent her child and is no longer in the program.

This went on for 3 years… on the 10th of every month, I would wait to receive my email with the list of names of women who had not chosen me. It was very hard not to take it personal and wonder if there was something wrong with my profile. Did I include the right pictures? Was my dear birth mom note sincere enough? Is it because I am single? These questions haunted me every month for almost 3 years. I called the agency a few different times to ask if I should change things. I had seen that the average wait was between 12-24 months, and here I was going on year 3. After the first year, a friend of mine suggested that I start making a vision of what life would be like when I was chosen. She told me to begin to buy things for the baby and maybe even set up an area of the nursery. The knit beanie that is in the picture above is something I found at a Christmas craft fair and for some reason, I just needed to have it. I brought it home and laid it on the pillow next to mine on my bed. Every night from then on, I would stick my hand inside the beanie as I fell asleep and whisper goodnight to my baby. There were many nights that tears streamed down my face as I laid there and there were other nights when I fell asleep smiling, knowing that one day my sweet baby would be laying next to me.

 

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Let’s start at the very beginning….

As I walked through the park with my sweet boy today, I was reflecting back on my emotional journey to motherhood and trying to figure out where to start with this blog…. I feel like I am so behind–and there is so much to say… As Julie Andrews sings in my favorite movie,  the Sound of Music, “Let’s start at the very beginning…”

I started the adoption process 4 years ago, however, I have dreamed of being a mom since I was a little girl. I used to dress up my cat as a baby and push him around in a stroller. I remember very clearly the day my best friend’s little sister was born when we were in fourth grade. I was so excited to go to her house and remember always wanting a baby brother or sister (I do have a twin brother who is my best friend, but when I was little dreamed of a baby in the house). As I got older, my love for children only grew stronger. I was babysitting in the 8th grade, my first job was in a daycare, and I chose teaching as my profession. I took care of my two cousins (now 10 and 8) almost every summer since the day they were born. As my friends began to have children, I proudly took on the role of Auntie Shanny and I love each one of them like my own. Even in the classroom, I tell my students that I am their school mom, and truly mean it. I knew in my heart that one day I would be a mom too–and was just never sure when that day would come.

When I turned 35, I decided that I was ready to be a mom, even though I was still single. After a lot of reflection, I decided that I was going to go through the IVF process.  The details of this story will be shared in another entry, but the IVF failed and I was given the devastating news that there is an 80% chance I cannot have children. The only way to find out, would have been to start the IVF process all over again and I had to really sit down and decide if I wanted to put my body and mind through that again. I remember feeling empty, lost, and confused. All I ever wanted was to be a mom and I felt like it would never happen. I took some time to grieve and reflect… Then I distinctly remember waking up one morning and feeling different. There was something inside of me that came alive… All this time, I had been so focused on trying to have a baby—and then I realized how many children I have loved as my own my whole life. It is then that I realized a child does not have to grow inside of me in order for me to be a mom. I knew at that moment there was a child out there who needed a mommy–and that adoption was my path.

And so my journey began.  I had thought about adoption many times in the past, but really didn’t know much about it or where to begin. Did I want a  closed adoption or an open adoption? Do I go the foster to adopt route or use a private agency? How long will I need to wait? If I decide to use a private agency, how do I choose which one? Does it matter that I am single? The list goes on and on…. I was so blessed to be surrounded by some incredible women who had adopted themselves and they guided me in the right direction. After much research I decided to go with an open adoption and use a private agency (I learned so much during this research and can’t wait to share in another post).  I chose an agency and now I knew it was only a matter of time that my dream of holding my sweet baby would come true. It is hard to believe that was over 4 years ago. I can’t wait to share all I learned a long the way!