Tag: single parent

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Forming a Bond

A very good family friend sent this quote to me the night my sweet Riley was born. I had tears running down my face and onto the forehead of my sweet boy who was laying on my bare chest when I read the message. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, and had always envisioned that my child would grow inside of me. When I decided to adopt, I had no doubt in my mind that I would love this child with all my heart and soul… But there was a small little part of me that was so worried it would be harder to bond with my baby if he or she did not come from my womb. I remember sitting on the airplane feeling over the moon excited to meet my new baby–and still just couldn’t help but feel a little nervous as well. Questions continued to flood my brain as I made the long drive–and by this time I knew that a sweet baby boy was laying in that nursery. What if he cried when I held him? Would he look at me and see how much I loved him? Would I feel like his mom? Would we share the same bond that birth mothers have with their newborns? These are only a few of the many questions I asked myself over and over until I arrived.

The moment I pulled into the parking lot, the feeling in my gut changed… I was on my way to meet my son! MY SON! I was running at this point to get inside. When I got off the elevator and began walking down the hallway–I whispered over and over “here I come my sweet boy–momma’s here”. I could see him from the end of the hallway-laying there swaddled in his blanket with the little newborn beanie on his head. The moment I walked into the room and laid eyes on him, I can honestly say—it was love at first sight. The birth father let me pick him up right away. As I held him in my arms the first time, I leaned down close to his face, kissed him on the forehead and whispered, “I love you my sweet boy. You are my dream come true”. He looked right up at me and in that moment, I knew we were meant to be together. The universe truly had conspired to help us find each other and there was an instant bond.

I was also so very lucky to have some incredible nurses working on the floor the weekend Riley was born. They were very aware of the circumstances, and went out of their way to make sure our bonding time started right away. They let me have my own room, and began the skin to skin contact within an hour of me arriving. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, he slept quietly on my chest–and I never felt happier. The only time I took him off my chest that night was to feed him or change him. They actually had to force me to lay him in his crib as I dosed off to be sure that everyone was safe. I did little to no sleeping that night, and just watched him sleep. We stayed in the hospital for 2 more nights and then moved to the hotel with my dad.  Although living in a hotel with a newborn for a week was not the most ideal situation—it allowed for a lot of bonding time. Riley spent majority of his time being held by either my dad or I and slept right next to me every night. Looking back, it was such a special week and I feel so lucky to have had this time with him.

Since I am a teacher, and Riley was born at the end of May, it led right into my summer break. This left us another two months of bonding time. My school district does not offer paid maternity leave, and I found out the adoptive parents do not qualify for any disability since they did not actually give birth (I have lots more to say about that but will not here)… Under the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) I did qualify for up to 12 weeks to bond with my newborn child… however, as I mentioned before my district did not offer paid leave. I had to exhaust all of my sick time (10 days) and then received half-pay for whatever time I missed. This is a lot of the reason I started my skincare business 4 years ago. It allowed me to take 6 extra weeks with my sweet boy and receive half-pay at work. To be honest, I would have found a way no matter what. I knew this bonding time was so so important. I was able to spend every day at home with him until November 1 and cherished every minute. He was not the best sleeper (especially at night) so we spent a lot of time together. He spent a lot of the first 6 months crying and I continued to find ways to soothe and comfort him.  The bond between us grew stronger and stronger every day.

I am sitting here on Friday night, after our second summer together, and have tears in my eyes. I love my sweet boy more than words can express and truly feel like I love him more each day. He is almost 15 months old and beginning to talk more and more. Every time he looks at me and says “Momma” my heart explodes. I am 100% positive that the universe conspired to bring us together.

This post started with a quote and I wanted to end with another quote from the children’s book  The Giving Tree…. “and she loved a little boy very, very much, even more than she loved herself”.

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IVF misconceptions

One of the primary reasons I started this blog was to share information and help people understand my personal journey to motherhood. As I went through this very emotional journey, I learned so much–and sometimes struggled with feeling alone or misunderstood. It is my hope that by sharing my story and anything I learned along the way, I can help others to understand and even feel supported in their journey.

My brother shared this article with me a few days ago and it obviously hit home for me.  I wanted to share it here. I too had a lot of misconceptions about IVF until about 5 years ago when I was experiencing it myself. Since then, I have connected with so many other women (and couples), some in my own family, who face fertility issues and IVF is their only option to conceive. It is a very expensive journey and rarely covered by insurance. I learned a lot about the history of IVF and how it has evolved over the last 40 years.

IVF and Insurance 40 Years later

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Coming Home

This post needed multiple pictures! The first was taken at the boarding gate around 6:00 AM on Saturday morning at Raleigh airport. The alarm went off bright and early about 4:00 that morning.. although between waking up for feedings and the anxiety of traveling with a newborn– I don’t think either of us had slept much at all. My dad had booked the shuttle to be downstairs a little after 5 to make sure we left plenty of time for everything at the airport. There was no way we were going to miss that flight. Our hotel was less than a mile away from the airport, so it took no time at all to get there. We went to the check in desk and immediately people were turning and commenting on what a little guy we had. I was a little nervous about the check in process and we ended up with the sweetest lady! I had read that I may have to show my adoption paperwork and/or temporary birth certificate before being cleared… so I was ready with everything I needed. The minute I shared my brief story, her whole face filled with joy and she was nothing but kind and helpful. I had originally planned to take him out of the car seat (and check it in as baggage) and carry him in the Moby through the airport, but he was asleep. They told us we could bring the car seat onto the plane with us, and did not have to check it. My AMAZING dad (I can’t say that enough) carried him in the car seat through the security line and all the way to the gate! We sat down with plenty of time to spare (which is when we snuck in our selfie). My dad sat with little man while I went to get us coffee (much needed)! I had decided to put Riley in the Moby wrap before we got on the plane and keep him in there as long as possible. I was very nervous about germs, his ears, and pretty much anything else I could think of!!! Since we had an infant, we got to pre-board. I wrapped up my guy (who was asleep) and we boarded the plane. We had literally booked our flight about 12 hours before and got the last two seats–they were not next to each other. My dad was seated behind us. I had gotten a middle seat in between 2 men. OH was I nervous now–what if he screamed the whole way? What if I had to get up to change him or rock him? I was going to drive these men nuts! And my dad was behind me—ugh… I took a breath, and decided to ask the man on the aisle seat if he would be willing to trade seats with my dad. He agreed immediately and was so wonderful about it. The man in the window seat looked like he was in his mid 30’s and seemed friendly. I looked over and told him, “I promise we will do our best not to be annoying”. I could never have imagined a nicer human to be seated next to us! Not only did he tell me not to worry—we ended up chatting off and on the whole flight! I shared my story and he showed me pictures of his wife and son. We now follow each other on instagram and have stayed in touch. OK.. two problems solved… Now we just needed to get through take off, a 5 hour flight, the landing, and we were home (literally home) free….. MORE DEEP BREATHS….

There is not much to say about the flight besides, my sweet Riley is a CHAMP! He slept most of the way, and only woke up once or twice to eat. Not one tear the entire way and even let me change him in the airplane bathroom (which was not the easiest task but we did it).  I had never been so excited to hear the captain say, “We have arrived in San Francisco. Thank you for flying with us”. WE MADE IT! WE WERE HOME!!!! I was finally going to get to bring my sweet boy home to meet his Gammy and Uncle Dan!

That takes us to the last two pictures… My mom picked us up from the airport, and when I did not see my brother in the car, I felt disappointed. I asked where he was and she said he had gone grocery shopping. Little did I know, that when we pulled up, he would be standing outside with his camera and these balloons hanging outside! We walked through the door and there was this sign he had made hanging in the living room. I cried again (as did everyone).  The sign still hangs above the changing table in Riley’s room. We read it to him every time we changed his diaper for about 7 months!!! He will now often look up at it (actually stand and touch it) and say “Momma” and kiss the poster like my dad taught him to do when he was tiny. It melts my heart every time.

Riley was finally home. This was the moment I had been waiting for—and it truly was a dream come true.

 

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Papa’s HERE!

I am not going to lie….. the first 24 hours were amazing and wonderful and truly “magical” (as cliche as that sounds), there was a part of me that was so sad my family could not be there with me.  We had face timed, talked on the phone, and texted non stop the entire time, but it was just not the same. I left so suddenly on that Friday morning, I had to travel solo, and the next available flight did not get my dad there until Saturday morning. By the time he landed, rented his car, and made the drive to the hospital, it was about 8:30 Saturday night. I could not have been happier to see my Daddy and hand him his grandson!  This picture is the first time my dad held Riley! We were both in tears of course.. but happy tears…my parents had dreamed of becoming grandparents just as much as I dreamed of becoming a mom. A dream come true for all!

When I left California, I figured that I would be in North Carolina until the baby was discharged and then stay a night or two in the hotel and fly back home. When the attorney came to sign all the paperwork on Saturday afternoon, he informed me that I could not cross state lines until all the paperwork was finalized in North Carolina, fed-exed (they could not fax or email) to California, read over and approved by California, and then a call would be made telling me we could fly home. It was also Memorial Day weekend and he said it could delay the process. When I asked how long it would be he said I should plan to be in North Carolina for up to 14 days…. WHAT?! I hardly had clothes (or diapers, or formula, or underwear) for 4 days since I left so frantically, and I knew my dad thought we were flying home in the next day or so. And now I was going to live with a newborn in a hotel for up to 2 weeks! ANXIETY overload again!….. BREATHE Shannon–one more bump–we got this! Motherhood is all about being flexible and rolling with the punches… and I was getting a crash course for sure! My dad is the epitome of calm, cool, and relaxed and always says “We gotta do what we gotta do”. He told me not to worry and we would get through it together! And we did just that!

My dad stayed at a hotel close by the hospital Saturday and Sunday night while I was still allowed to stay with Riley. I am a bit of a health nut (and a picky eater if I am being honest)… and so not only did my dad show up every morning with food, he even managed to make sure it was all things that I would eat at home. He also brought me a toothbrush, soap, and diet coke!!! All the essentials for the new momma! Most importantly, he brought me a sense of calm–and is why he is my hero always!

Monday morning we were discharged from the hospital and headed for the hotel my dad was staying at. The three of us would now be roomies until we got the call that we were clear to cross state lines. This may sound silly, but I was so excited when they said that they would bring a wheel chair to roll Riley and I out of the hospital!!!!! That is what I always see the moms do and I hopped right in! I even made my dad take a picture! Off we went!

I would be lying if I said I was not a little anxious and worried about caring for a newborn in a hotel for an unknown amount of time. But just like the rest of the journey–I had to roll with the punches and stay positive.I was also checking in with the attorney daily–and he said the earliest I could expect the call was Friday. I of course locked Friday in my brain as the day we would be leaving and had everything crossed it would happen! There was an issue at the hospital with the circumcision (long story but they could not do it)…. and so I had an appointment to have it done in a clinic that Thursday. We had an appointment to see the local pediatrician as well the same day. So that gave us something to do for one day, now we just needed to fill Monday-Wednesday and then home on Friday! What a plan!

We got back to the hotel and went up to our room to get settled. I set up my “nursery” for the next week. I found a place to keep diapers and wipes, set up a bottle & formula area, and laid out the travel baby bassinet I had stuffed into my suitcase. I had borrowed the Moby wrap from one of my best girlfriends and had visions (me and my visions) of carrying my baby all around in the wrap everywhere we went. I had even practiced using it before I left with a teddy bear and a youtube video so I would look like I knew what I was doing! We decided to take a little walk just down to the hotel lobby. I put on my Moby, put Riley on my chest, and we headed downstairs. We walked around a bit and found a place to sit and watch tv. My dad had a cup of coffee and I found my diet coke.  My dad went and got us Subway for dinner, and we ate in the room, taking turns holding Riley. Although it wasn’t the ideal circumstances, we were making the best of it. For the next 2 days, we did a lot of the same… maybe an outing to Walmart, walks around the hotel, and Papa watching golf with a sleeping baby so I could go downstairs and get a quick workout in.The Warriors were in the play offs and my dad and I would attempt to watch each night. We kept the volume very quiet (or even on mute) and tried to turn Riley so that he would not see the light.  Riley wanted no part of the travel bassinet and slept right next to me every night. He was up every 1-2 hours crying either to eat or because his tummy seemed to be bothering him (a struggle that went on for months). My dad jumped up every time to help! Needless to say there was not a lot of sleeping going on. But my dad was a trooper and the bond between him and Riley was growing already.

Thursday came faster then I expected. The three of us were actually enjoying our time together–even though we of course could not wait to get home. I had no idea what to expect at the appointment for the circumcision, and without going into too much detail–it was HORRIBLE! Not because of anything the doctors or nurses did wrong—just because I had to hold him down and it was quite traumatic. He was a CHAMP and although he screamed bloody murder the entire time, he calmed down right away when they were done and drank his bottle. We headed back to the hotel until our afternoon appointment with the pediatrician. That appointment was great! She said that he was perfectly healthy-he had not lost any weight, all his numbers were great and he was completely safe to travel. So now we had everything we needed and were just waiting on that call. I had continued to check in every day with the attorney (who I am pretty sure was hiding from me) and it looked like we were not going home on Friday. He said best case scenario–they would finish the paperwork by end of day Friday–but there was a chance we would need to wait until the following week (it all depended on how busy they were Friday in the office). We decided to check out of the hotel we were staying at and relocate to a hotel closer to the airport. This way we would be ready to go as soon as the call came through. So Friday morning, we got up early, checked out of our hotel, made a quick trip to Wal-mart and hit the road!

Riley slept the whole way there (and momma fell asleep too). We checked in and got settled. We had big hopes that we would get the call and be able to fly home Saturday. I had already looked up the flight and there was one leaving at 6:30 AM Saturday morning. My dad left the hotel about 3 to go and return the rental car. We were less than 5 miles away from the airport and would just take a shuttle to to get there. Almost as soon as he walked out the door, my phone rang. I looked down and recognized the number right away. IT WAS THE CALL! WE WERE GOING HOME!!!!! I called my dad on his cell phone the minute I hung up screaming with happiness!!! I then called my mom and my brother to tell them the news–we would be on the airplane tomorrow morning! I went online and booked our flight home. The flight was at 6:30 which meant we needed to leave the hotel by 5:15 to allow plenty of time to check in, go through security, and get on board! It had been a very special week with my sweet boy and my Daddy–but all three of us were ready to go home!

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Preparing for “Peanut”

Once the match was official and the home study update was in motion, Phase 2 was off and running. There were still a lot of logistics to figure out and preparations to be made. The birth mother lived in North Carolina and the estimated due date was May 21. She told me she had been at least a week late with her other children and felt like this one was going to be the same way.  I knew I probably had a little extra time, but there was no way to be sure. I did not want to get there too early and not only have nothing to do (when I had an entire nursery to put together and shopping to do for my baby here at home) but I was also going to lose pay at work. I teach first grade and we were still over a month away from ending the school year. There is no such thing as maternity leave for adoptive parents and my school district offers a 20 day adoption leave at half-pay. Then I had to exhaust my 10 sick days before being unpaid.  Most importantly, I REALLY did not want to be there too late and miss the birth. I reached out to the agency for advice and they really had no advice. They said it was completely up to me.  The other tricky part was there were two possible hospitals she was going to deliver at depending on how soon she went into labor. That played a huge part in what airport I flew into and what hotel I booked. My mom was going to fly with me, and we were so unsure of when to leave. I had no choice but to “wait and see” as the due date got closer.

I told my principal right away that I had been chosen and she (as well as my entire faculty) were very supportive. We decided that my last day with my kids would be Friday, May 17. Even if I did not leave for North Carolina that weekend, I had so much to do to prepare for my sweet baby to arrive home. This meant that I would not be able to finish the school year with my class, which is something that I had never done before. This felt so strange and was the first time I realized that I was no longer just the “school mom” I was going to be mom to a sweet little angel very soon. Every decision I make from now on was going to be in the best interest of that little person.

Telling my students about the adoption was a very special experience as well. I read them the book “A Mother For Choco” by Keiko Kasza and then explained what adoption meant. I told them that I was going to be mom to a sweet baby in North Carolina who was going to be born in the next few weeks. They had so many questions–“Are you married? Who is the dad? Where is North Carolina? Are you coming back? Is it a boy or a girl? What is the name?”  I answered each one in the most genuine (and kid friendly) way possible. We went on the map and I showed them where California was and we drew a line to North Carolina…. I told them that I did not know yet if it was a boy or a girl, so we would call the baby “Peanut”. They loved that and were truly so excited for Peanut to come! I even set up a facebook group called Peanut so my friends and family could follow as I anticipated, prepared, and once again waited. The faculty through me a shower the Thursday before I left and my class through me one on my last day. I felt showered with love and support. I left school that Friday afternoon feeling so excited, yet still so anxious and nervous… We still had no flights  or hotels booked, and I had not even begun to pack or set up the nursery.

Thanks to some amazing friends and family, the nursery came together quickly. I was honored to be able to use the crib that my parents had bought for two little cousins who are now 8 and 10. One of my best girlfriends loaned me her infant car seat and base for the airplane, her bassinet, and a collection of other necessities for traveling with a newborn. One of my other best girlfriends took me to Babies’r’us to create my registry….and another one created a Target registry for me! I could never express how thankful I am to have such an incredible circle of girlfriends.

So now I just needed to figure out when to leave, where to fly into, and where to stay… It had to be a one way flight because once the baby was born, I would have to wait for everything to be legalized in North Carolina and then sent to California before I could return home. Simple right?! And so the SLEEPLESS nights began! I literally texted the birth mom every single day and she kept telling me she felt no movement and really didn’t think the baby was coming anytime soon. As each day passed I got more and more nervous. Finally, on Thursday, May 25, my dad said he thought it was better my mom and I just book our flight and leave. We decided we would leave Sunday morning. That would get us there in plenty of time. If the baby was around a week late, it would be perfect timing. We booked a hotel close to the airport and decided we would just hang out there until I got the call she was in labor. I went to bed Thursday night feeling a sense of relief. Worst case, my mom and I would have a few extra bonding days and I could work on my report cards for school!

Friday morning, I woke up early and headed to the gym. I stopped at Starbucks on my way home and got coffee for my brother and I. I was going to spend the day packing the rest of my suitcase, and doing any last minute shopping before our flight on Sunday. As I was pulling into my driveway, my cell phone rang. It was 7:00 AM and it was the birth mother’s number. I answered the phone and she said, “I think we have a baby coming today!”

I SCREAMED OUT LOUD! WHAT?! Today?! From that moment on I went into momma mode. My baby was coming and I needed to be there. I ran into the house, threw my purse on the floor and told my brother I needed to go to the airport–my baby was on the way! He looked at me like I was nuts. I was literally standing in my gym clothes, not showered, and a sweaty mess. I ran into my room, threw a toothbrush in my suitcase and zipped it up. I grabbed the car seat and my brother and I jumped in his car to go to the airport. I called my parents and told them the baby was coming and I needed to go. They were still in their pajamas and a little stunned. I hung up and called United Airlines to book the next available flight. We were driving in the car at 7:20 and the flight I booked was for 8:40. My heart was racing…. I still have no idea how I made it on that flight on time (or in one piece), but I as the plane took off, I let out a sigh of relief. Here I come my sweet baby! IT WAS THE LONGEST 5 HOURS OF MY LIFE!!!!! It didn’t help that I still had not showered–but I tried my best to distract myself. I had my laptop and booked a rental car online for when I got off the plane. I knew I would spend the next day or so at the hospital so I was not worried at this point about a hotel.

Five hours later, the plane touched down in Raleigh, North Carolina. I had obviously never been there before, had no idea where I was going, and was all by myself. The minute I turned on my phone, there was a voicemail from the birth father. The baby had been born when I was on the airplane. I started to cry. This was exactly what I had been so worried about… why had I had waited so long to leave. There was one thing I was sure of, my baby would NEVER have to wait for me again. I was on a mission and would not stop until I got there. I ran to baggage claim, took a shuttle to the rental car facility, and then google mapped the name of the hospital. It was another 90 minutes to get to the hospital according to my phone. I called the birth father in the car and he told me everyone was healthy and doing well. He asked if I wanted to know the sex or if I wanted to wait and be surprised when I got there. I told him I could not wait…. “IT’S A BOY” were the next words I heard. It felt unreal. I had a son?! The moment I waited for my whole life… My sweet baby boy was waiting for me. I am on my way PEANUT!

 

 

 

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The Homestudy

One of the biggest parts of the adoption process is the home study. When I began the process, the agency I was working with did not do the home study and gave me a few suggestions on places to contact. I chose Independent Adoption Center (IAC). Since it was an outside agency, the costs were not covered in the Phase I fees I had already paid to my adoption agency.  Once I set them the initial payment, they sent me a packet full of paperwork to fill out. Since my twin brother was living in the house with me, he also had to complete a lot of paperwork. We both had to be live scanned, complete a physical that included an updated TB test, show proof of CPR certification, copies of birth certificates and social security cards, and get our driving records. Since I was the adoptive parent, I also had to send my most recent tax return, as well as most current pay stubs, and bank information. Once all of this was completed, I was contacted by a social worker for my first interview. We met halfway between our two houses at a local coffee shop. I had no idea what to expect and remember feeling so nervous driving over the Bay Bridge.

I arrived at the coffee shop and found the social worker sitting outside. She introduced herself and then it was mostly me talking for the next 2 hours. She asked me about everything:  my childhood, my past and present dating life, my career, why I wanted to be a mom and why I chose adoption. I had to go into great detail about my fertility issues as well as my choice to be a single mom. There were points where I felt a little uncomfortable–sharing such personal things…. basically my life story with someone I had just met. She also asked me a lot of questions about my choice to adopt a child of any race or gender. I am 100% caucasian,  and she questioned me a lot about raising a child of a different race…. If I am being 100% honest, she really made me feel like I was not capable of providing the best environment for a child of a different race. I had actually changed my profile for a while after meeting with her (to 50-100% white only), until I was finally able to share with my agency’s social worker my feelings. She assured me that I did not need to worry and made me feel much better. My heart felt so much happier when my preference went back to any race.

After the first interview, we scheduled the home visit. For this one, my brother needed to be present so that she could interview him separately. There was also a home study checklist of things that needed to be done in your home before your home study is approved. Some of these things included: working smoke alarms in every room, carbon monoxide monitor, fire extinguisher, first aid kits, locks on medicine/liquor cabinets, all medicine locked up at out of reach of children. I also had to fill out a report much like when you are selling your home, describing total square feet and all other house information. The visit was scheduled for 2 hours. She interviewed my brother first (and made me leave the room) and then interviewed me again, and completed the home inspection before she left. Before she left, she told me that I had passed the home study and that now she would do the write-up and send to the state to approve me to bring a child into my home. That process took about 2 months, and then I was officially clear to have a child living in my home. The home study was current for a year, and then had to be “updated”… Updated basically meant writing another check to the agency, being live scanned again, and a follow-up interview if my living situation had changed.

When it came time to do my update the second time, I contacted the IAC and sent in my payment. They scheduled a social worker to come out and meet with me on a Saturday morning. The Thursday morning before that interview, I was at the gym and looked up at the TV screen. Channel 7 news was showing a story with the headline “International Adoption Center goes bankrupt and closes doors”… I turned my music off and plugged my headphones into the machine to hear the report on the news. I watched as people cried through interviews saying they were already matched with a family, and now everything was lost (including their money). I received a voicemail later that morning from the woman who was supposed to interview me. She said she was an independent contractor with the IAC, and would therefore not be able to conduct the interview. I was unable to get my money back and now had an “expired” home study. Since I was not feeling super confident about being chosen any time soon, I did not rush to find an agency to complete my update. Now fast forward to May 9 when I received that call… I needed to figure out who would be able to do my update and quickly!

Not only had the IAC gone bankrupt, but many of the client files were missing. Again, I was so lucky to have only done my home study with them, as many other families were losing out on a whole lot more. Not only a lot of money, but many of them had pending adoptions that did not go through. I cannot even imagine the pain and anger they must have felt. Although my situation was different, if I could not get my original home study, that meant that I would have to start all over instead of just an update. This would inevitably have meant that I would not be done in time for the birth. I called the DOJ in Sacramento and was on the phone for hours trying to find out if my file was there. Once I determined it was there, then I needed to get it to the agency completing the update as soon as possible. I was lucky enough to work with an amazing family owned adoption agency who were willing to take on my case and get the update done as quickly as possible.  I paid to have the file overnighted to them in Santa Cruz and they gave me the list of things to complete and send them in the next 3 days: updated TB tests and physical for both my brother and I, as well as updated livescans (this was our third time), a letter from my vet saying the cat was “child friendly”, another home inspection, and face to face interviews with both my brother and I… The next 3 days were a whirlwind. Again, my brother was such a trooper as were our doctors. They got us in as quickly as possible and we got everything done and sent in time. We even drove to Santa Cruz to do our interview on the weekend. My update was finished, sent to Sacramento, and approved before I left on the airplane to get my sweet baby.

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Adoption Phase 1… preparing and waiting, and waiting, and wishing….

Once I made my decision and chose the agency I was going to work with, things started moving quickly. The entire process was broken down into 3 Phases (Phase 1, Phase 2, and Phase 3). Simply put, Phase 1 was everything before the match, Phase 2 started as soon as the match was made, and Phase 3 was all of the post adoption services.

Phase 1 was very overwhelming for me. I had no idea just how much had to be done in order to adopt a baby. I always envisioned that once I chose and agency and said I wanted to adopt a baby, they would connect me with a newborn who needed a mom. That could not have been farther from the truth. The very first thing I had to do was create a profile book. This was basically a 4 page (front to back–so really 8 pages) booklet all about me and why she should choose me to raise her unborn child. They called it a “sneak peak” into my life. HOLY ANXIETY!!!! I was terrified of not saying or showing the right things. I worked with a graphic designer who specialized in adoption profiles to help me with pictures and wording. That alone took me a couple of weeks to complete. After it was completed, I had to have 250 color copies sent to the agency to present to birth mothers. At the same time, I had to begin my home study.  This was a very extensive process including 2 separate interviews, a home visit, fingerprinting, a physical exam,  DMV records, background check, letters of recommendation, and a whole lot more paperwork. I am forever grateful to my twin brother who had to go through the whole process with me since he lived in the home and was over 18 years of age. He was such a trooper through the whole thing!

After these things were done, I was officially “waiting” to be chosen. I would receive an email on the 10th of every month, with a list of names of birth moms who saw my profile. Next to each name it said one of the following: not yet chosen, chosen but not matched, matched, decided to parent, fallen out of the system….. “Not yet chosen” means that the birth mother had not chosen an adoptive family yet.  “Chosen but not yet matched” means that the birth mom has chosen a family, but they still need to decide if they “choose” her back (all adoptive families are presented with the profile of the birth parents and get to decide if they would like to move forward). “Matched” means that the birth mother and the adoptive family are moving forward together and on to Phase II. “Fallen out of the system” means that the birth mother was either taken out of the system for some reason, or has disappeared and “decided to parent” means the birth mother has chosen to parent her child and is no longer in the program.

This went on for 3 years… on the 10th of every month, I would wait to receive my email with the list of names of women who had not chosen me. It was very hard not to take it personal and wonder if there was something wrong with my profile. Did I include the right pictures? Was my dear birth mom note sincere enough? Is it because I am single? These questions haunted me every month for almost 3 years. I called the agency a few different times to ask if I should change things. I had seen that the average wait was between 12-24 months, and here I was going on year 3. After the first year, a friend of mine suggested that I start making a vision of what life would be like when I was chosen. She told me to begin to buy things for the baby and maybe even set up an area of the nursery. The knit beanie that is in the picture above is something I found at a Christmas craft fair and for some reason, I just needed to have it. I brought it home and laid it on the pillow next to mine on my bed. Every night from then on, I would stick my hand inside the beanie as I fell asleep and whisper goodnight to my baby. There were many nights that tears streamed down my face as I laid there and there were other nights when I fell asleep smiling, knowing that one day my sweet baby would be laying next to me.

 

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The Candle….

This is the hardest post I have done and to be honest, I wasn’t even sure I would be able to do it. But it is a huge part of my journey and I cannot leave it out. This picture was taken by my mom at St. Ignatius church in San Francisco on November 1, 2014. Her and my dad went there to light a candle for the unborn baby Twomey… Meanwhile, 3 petrie dishes were sitting in a fertility clinic in Foster City with my dream growing inside. Let me back up a few steps….

Once I decided to become a single mom, the next big decision was how I was going to do it… There were many different options available which I began to research:  IVF (in vitro fertilization), IUI (Intrauterine insemination), adoption, being the 3 that I looked most closely at. I was not in a committed relationship, so I knew that if I intended to have the baby using IVF or IUI, I would also need a donor sperm. More research… It was about this time, that I reached out to a friend who I had been watching on Facebook for a year or so. She was posting a lot throughout her pregnancy and after her baby was born, and it was clear she was single. I decided to reach out to her and ask her if she was comfortable sharing her story with me. Not only did she say yes, she even met up with me for coffee and shared her whole journey. It turned out that she had done IUI and used a donor sperm. She connected me to a few great resources for donor sperm and answered a lot of my questions. Little did I know, you actually get to see a whole profile on the man, including health history, educational background, social interests, pictures, and even hear a voice interview. It really made it seem to me like I would be able to pick out the best match for me.

Being pregnant was something I always dreamed of and I really wanted to carry a baby inside of me if possible. I decided that I was going to follow the IUI path and use a donor sperm. I chose my sperm bank and spent quite some time making my choice. It was such a huge decision and it was very important to me that I took all the time I needed. At the same time, I was also making appointments with my gynecologist at Kaiser to find out what I needed to do medically and what was available through my medical provider. I learned quickly that there is little to no coverage for reproductive health and a lot of it is out of pocket. As a single woman, using donor sperm, I really didn’t qualify for much. My gynecologist referred me to the fertility specialist and I made my first appointment. A lot of information was shared…. including medicine, procedures, and costs. It would be primarily out of pocket, and the doctor said as long as I did IUI, it could be done at Kaiser. She told me they did not do IVF. It is at this point that I asked what the difference was. I knew nothing about any of this stuff and was learning as I went. The doctor explained it in a much more medically correct way–but ultimately, in IUI the sperm are directly inserted into the uterus, and in IVF the eggs are removed from the ovaries, fertilized in a lab, and then the embryo is placed in the uterus. IUI is much less demanding physically and also much less expensive. I decided to start with IUI. I was teaching Kindergarten at the time, and decided that I would begin in June, when we got out for summer (which was about a month away). I would need to give myself shots to stimulate my ovaries and also be available to go into the lab every few days to have an ultrasound. This would be much easier when I was off of school. I also quit my job and went back to teaching at the school closer to my parent’s home. If all went well, I would be pregnant by the end of summer, and needed to be closer to my parents so they could watch my sweet baby.

The school year ended, and I began the process. It involved shots twice a day, and frequent blood tests to test my levels. My ovaries were not cooperating and there were red flags right away. They upped the dosage of medicine and still did not see much happening. I had some testing done, and also found out that one of my fallopian tubes was blocked. I met with the specialist and she basically said that she did not think the IUI would be successful and that I should look into IVF. This procedure was not done at Kaiser, so I started my research again. I found an AMAZING doctor located within 5 miles from my home and set up a consultation right away. He looked over all the paperwork and test results that I had from Kaiser, and told me that he had a plan for me. He was a superhero in my eyes and I told him I would do anything he needed me to do. I had to have surgery to have the blocked tube closed and was put on a strict diet (no dairy or gluten). He also had me take a some additional supplements and I began acupuncture twice a week. All of this was out of pocket, and to be honest, I didn’t even blink an eye when they told me that costs. I just asked where to sign and was ready.

The doctor said I needed to be on the most aggressive plan due to the lack of results before. Even on this plan, my ovaries were very slow to produce and I had to go a bit longer than expected (which meant more shots, more medicine, and more time). I had to do shots every morning and every evening for almost 2 weeks and then go in every 2-3 days for an ultrasound to monitor my ovaries. When he finally felt it was time, I had to go in and have my eggs retrieved. I remember the procedure was at 7:00 AM the day after the Giants won the World Series. I joked with the nurses that I was going to name the baby Madison after the Giants pitcher! When I woke up from the procedure, the doctor told me it had done well and he retrieved 9 eggs. Only 7 were mature enough to fertilize. From those 7 only 3 were successfully fertilized. I then had to wait 3 days to find out how many would mature into an embryo to be transferred back into my uterus. It was the hardest wait…I went to bed every night with my hand on my belly. I was so hopeful and so was my family. And this brings us back to that picture…. My parents drove out to St. Ignatius Church (which was a special location because I had graduated from there 3 times) to light the candle. We were so hopeful.

Day 3 came and I did not hear from the doctor. I called and left a message and heard nothing back. And then my phone rang. It was 3:00 and I was just leaving school to drive to my acupuncture appointment. As soon as I heard the doctors voice, my heart sank. He informed me that none of my embryos grew and in fact had disintegrated in the petrie dish. He went on to say that there was an 80% chance that there were no good eggs in my body and that in his 20 years of doing this work, he had only seen one other case as strange as mine. I drove straight to my parents house and basically collapsed into their arms. I cried and cried and cried and had never felt so empty. I had given so much—mentally, physically, financially, and most of all emotionally, and it felt like everything came crashing down around me. It felt so unfair. All I ever wanted to be was a mom. I followed every direction given to me by the doctor and was so hopeful that my dream would come true. It was truly the saddest day of my life.

It took some time for me to really grieve and process all the information that was given to me. Although he did not say there was zero chance of me being able to have a baby with my own eggs, he said the only way to know would be to go through the process all over again. It is then, that I really had to sit down and do some soul searching. Did I want to put my body through that again? And if I did, what were the chances it would work the second time? The more I thought about it, the more I felt drawn to adoption. I believed deep down inside that there was an unborn baby somewhere out there who needed me to be his (or her) mommy.

It has taken me a long time to write out the details of this part of my journey.  It was painful and hard to live through and to retell.  However, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and it all led me to my sweet baby Riley. The moment I held that sweet boy in my arms, I knew I was put on the Earth to be his mommy. And I cannot even begin to explain how much joy it brings my heart when people tell me, “He looks like you”! WE WERE DESTINED to be together! That candle shines brightly at St. Ignatius Church–as my sweet boy lights up every day.