It’s Labor Day weekend and while my little angel sleeps, I was cleaning up. I came across one of the books about raising a child of open adoption that I purchased when I first began exploring adoption. I will be the first to admit that when I began thinking about adoption, the only experience or knowledge I had been with closed adoption. And if I am being totally honest-that is the way I thought I wanted it to be. I could not imagine having any kind of connection with the birth mother–it felt scary, weird and uncomfortable.
When I was researching options and the different agencies that I might work with, I was very focused on finding one that worked with single parents and made successful matches. The agency that I decided to work with was a referral from a friend of mine who was married–so I was skeptical at first. After looking at their philosophy and statistics, I really felt like they were open to all types of families. I also really liked that I was able to schedule a 1 hour telephone conversation with the owner of the company (who is also an attorney). The only thing that I was still very worried about was that this agency only did open adoptions. I went ahead and scheduled my phone call and decided that I needed to explore all my options.
I remember being so worried to get on the phone. I wasn’t sure how to even approach my question or hint at the fact that I was not so sure about open adoption. I figured I would let him do all the talking and I would just listen. Boy am I glad I did! I learned more in that 60 minute phone call then I could have ever imagined. He had been working with adoption cases for over 20 years and one of the first things he shared was how so many things have changed. He said he remembers the days that adoption was not spoken of–everything was a closed case… and many times even the adoptive child did not know until later on in life he/she was adopted. He explained that so much research had been done on how much better it is emotionally for the child and the birth parents when it is an open adoption. He explained that the agency really took the time to work with both the birth mother and the adoptive families to build a relationship. He said that it truly was a “magical” Disney like experience (his words not mine) in the hospital when the baby was born. He explained that the birth parents and the adoptive families would decide together what kind of communication they would maintain after the birth. It really varied from situation to situation. Some families sent pictures and letters a few times a year and there were some who actually became an extended family–and birth parent attended birthday parties or other activities. I hung up the phone that day and knew that I wanted to do an open adoption.
I would also like to say here that every person’s journey is different and every individual circumstance is unique. I am by no means am I saying that closed adoption is bad… I am only sharing my personal experience and what I learned. After my conversation with him, I bought a few books and continued to read more about open adoption (I actually continue to read about it all the time). The term “open adoption” does not have a clear-cut definition and can be different from family to family. I will explain what it meant in my situation.
As I explained in an earlier post, I created a profile (which I would be happy to share with anyone who would like to see) book for birth mothers. It was viewable on the agency’s website and I also made hard copies for the agency to give to potential birth mothers. The birth mother was able to learn all about the adoptive families and then make her choice. Once I was selected by the birth mother (and father in my situation), we were then able to meet. Since we were on opposite sides of the country and it was a rather last minute match, we only met over the phone. I remember feeling so nervous when I dialed the number and heard the other line pick up. She said hello and told me that the birth father was on speaker phone. They started by telling me how excited they were to have found me and they felt so lucky to have me adopt their unborn child. I shared my journey and they told me they felt happy to be able to give me this special gift. They also told me that it would be up to me to decide about the continued communication once the baby was born. They told me that once I left the hospital, I was “mom” and they were open to whatever I was comfortable with. They both had other children and one child together, so that meant there would be siblings. I told them it was important to me that we maintain communication and that if my child ever wanted to meet them or his siblings– he could (I am saying he, even though at this time I still did not know the gender). They said I did not need to make any decisions then and could see how I felt once we were home and our new life had begun together. This all felt very right and very comfortable.
Although we only had 2.5 weeks between making the match and Riley’s birth, I stayed in constant communication with his birth mother. I checked in on her to see how she was feeling and the birth father texted and called me all day when I was traveling across the country to get to them! When I walked through the door that evening–the birth father walked right up to me and gave me a big hug! I was already overcome with emotion as I saw my perfect little boy laying in that crib, and then to receive such a warm greeting. I knew that I had made the right decision. These two people were honestly so happy they chose me to be his mom. They were 100% ok with the baby coming with me into my own room, and even let me name him in the hospital. The birth mom was actually discharged before Riley, and they came in to say goodbye before they left.
When I arrived back home, I sent a thank you gift to the birth mom as well as some pictures that we took those first few weeks. As of now, I am the one who reaches out about once a month. I send a picture and a little update. She even texted me Happy Mother’s Day this year and it brought a huge smile to my face. It is so important to me that Riley be able to know his siblings if/when he wants to and I will do everything I can to maintain communication.
I am often questioned about maintaining communication and even judged at times. I hear things like “Isn’t that weird to talk to them?” “What will you tell Riley?” “Do you really still message them?” “I don’t think that’s a good idea”. Again, every situation is different and people have to make the choices that are best for their family. I still have lots and lots of learning to do and am constantly reading and reaching out to others for advice. I don’t have all the answers, but I do know one thing. I will do whatever it takes to raise a little boy who is of the healthiest mind, body, and spirit and most importantly feels loved unconditionally at all times.