mom - Worth my Wait

July 13, 2018July 15, 2018

The Call

It was about 10:35 a.m. on Tuesday May 9, 2017… I was teaching a Math lesson to my first graders and felt my phone going off in my pocket. I looked quick and since I didn’t recognize the number, I assumed it was a telemarketer and didn’t answer. It went to voicemail and the message was over a minute long. Again, I figured it was one of those recorded marketing calls and remember thinking how annoying they were. I usually would not even take the time to listen to the message and just hit delete, but for some reason, that morning, I walked towards my desk and listened to the voicemail. It was a social worker from the adoption agency telling me that I had been selected by a birth mother and could I please call her back as soon as possible. I stood there frozen and my eyes filled up with tears. My back was to my students and I knew I had to hold it together until lunchtime (still 90 minutes away). All I wanted to do was run around the room screaming and call my family. It was the call I had been waiting for—for what seemed like my whole life really.

Let me back up….

I am not going to lie, there were many times I had started to feel like I was never going to get chosen…I had started the process in 2014 and here I was 3 years later and still waiting… In January of 2017, I created my first vision board, and it was covered in pictures and quotes about motherhood, adoption, babies, patience, and hope. I turned 38 in April and all I could think was another year had passed and I was still not a mom. My brother and I also moved into a new house. Ironically, it is across the street from the one we were renting for the previous 2 years. The owners had taken a liking to us and approached us about moving in. They bought a house in the country and wanted to “help us kids” out. They offered to lower our rent significantly and told us to come by and see if we liked the house. The funny part was, even though I liked the house we were renting and our landlords, I never felt like it was the home I would raise my child in. The house was filled with hardwood floors, and it may sound silly, but I always imagined living in a house with carpeted floors. I imagined crawling around with my baby on the carpet, and being able to lay down to read or play together. Again, it probably stemmed from my own childhood memories, but it was a part of my vision and I could not let it go.

The moment I walked into the living room of this house—I felt a calming, loving, homey, feeling come all over me. There is carpet all through the front of the house and the bedrooms. The couple had lived here for over 50 years and raised a family of their own in the house. We said yes right away and moved in right after my birthday. This was at the end of April 2017. Less than 2 weeks later (on the Wednesday before Mother’s Day), I got the call. It felt almost surreal. The voicemail said, “Hi Shannon, this is (social worker) from (the agency I used). I am calling with wonderful news. You have been selected by a birth mother and the baby is due on May 21. Please call me as soon as you can”. Yes, you heard that right.. May 21, and it was now May 9. My heart was racing. Could this really be happening? And in such a short amount of time? So many questions, so many unknowns, and also so much excitement.

One of my biggest questions and fears was the timing. I had to renew the home study (which basically meant paying a fee and being re-fingerprinted) every year. The agency that had done my original home study with had gone bankrupt before my updated home study was completed. I had not rushed to to find a new agency because I truly had no idea I would get the call. As soon as the lunch bell rang, I was on the phone with the social worker. She explained that she was the social worker of the birth mother and would be working with us. The couple lived out of state, so I would need to talk with them on the phone later that day and make my decision rather quickly, given the baby was due in a few weeks. She also emailed me their medical histories and profiles so that I could read that over as well. I asked her about the home study, and she told me that it would need to be done quickly, but that as long as my home study was updated by the time I was bringing the baby home to California, it was ok. She referred me to an agency that she had worked with before who was familiar with expedited home study updates. I called them right away and started the process. I read through all the information given to me about the birth parents… and to be honest, there was almost nothing that I would have read that would have stopped me from saying YES. I just wanted to make sure I had all the legality stuff figured out on my side.

I came home that afternoon, and the call was scheduled to talk with the birth mom at 4 PM my time (she lived in North Carolina). I had no idea what to expect. The social worker gave me some tips on things to ask and talk about, but really said that I just needed to be myself and begin to build a relationship. I took a deep breath and dialed the number at 4:00. She did not answer at first and I was going nuts… Had she already changed her mind? My phone rang a few minutes later and it was her and the birth father (on speaker phone). We chatted for about 20 minutes. I told her what an honor it was to be chosen by her and the birth father and told her a lot about my journey, my life, and my family. They told me a little more about them and said they could not be happier with their choice. She told me that when she read my profile, she could see how much love I had to give and what an amazing family I had to support me. We hung up the phone, and I immediately called the social worker back to tell her “it was a MATCH”! My heart was exploding!!! So it was official, after 3 long years, I was entering Phase II.

WOW! Was there a lot to do!

July 6, 2018July 10, 2018

Adoption Phase 1… preparing and waiting, and waiting, and wishing….

Once I made my decision and chose the agency I was going to work with, things started moving quickly. The entire process was broken down into 3 Phases (Phase 1, Phase 2, and Phase 3). Simply put, Phase 1 was everything before the match, Phase 2 started as soon as the match was made, and Phase 3 was all of the post adoption services.

Phase 1 was very overwhelming for me. I had no idea just how much had to be done in order to adopt a baby. I always envisioned that once I chose and agency and said I wanted to adopt a baby, they would connect me with a newborn who needed a mom. That could not have been farther from the truth. The very first thing I had to do was create a profile book. This was basically a 4 page (front to back–so really 8 pages) booklet all about me and why she should choose me to raise her unborn child. They called it a “sneak peak” into my life. HOLY ANXIETY!!!! I was terrified of not saying or showing the right things. I worked with a graphic designer who specialized in adoption profiles to help me with pictures and wording. That alone took me a couple of weeks to complete. After it was completed, I had to have 250 color copies sent to the agency to present to birth mothers. At the same time, I had to begin my home study. This was a very extensive process including 2 separate interviews, a home visit, fingerprinting, a physical exam, DMV records, background check, letters of recommendation, and a whole lot more paperwork. I am forever grateful to my twin brother who had to go through the whole process with me since he lived in the home and was over 18 years of age. He was such a trooper through the whole thing!

After these things were done, I was officially “waiting” to be chosen. I would receive an email on the 10th of every month, with a list of names of birth moms who saw my profile. Next to each name it said one of the following: not yet chosen, chosen but not matched, matched, decided to parent, fallen out of the system….. “Not yet chosen” means that the birth mother had not chosen an adoptive family yet. “Chosen but not yet matched” means that the birth mom has chosen a family, but they still need to decide if they “choose” her back (all adoptive families are presented with the profile of the birth parents and get to decide if they would like to move forward). “Matched” means that the birth mother and the adoptive family are moving forward together and on to Phase II. “Fallen out of the system” means that the birth mother was either taken out of the system for some reason, or has disappeared and “decided to parent” means the birth mother has chosen to parent her child and is no longer in the program.

This went on for 3 years… on the 10th of every month, I would wait to receive my email with the list of names of women who had not chosen me. It was very hard not to take it personal and wonder if there was something wrong with my profile. Did I include the right pictures? Was my dear birth mom note sincere enough? Is it because I am single? These questions haunted me every month for almost 3 years. I called the agency a few different times to ask if I should change things. I had seen that the average wait was between 12-24 months, and here I was going on year 3. After the first year, a friend of mine suggested that I start making a vision of what life would be like when I was chosen. She told me to begin to buy things for the baby and maybe even set up an area of the nursery. The knit beanie that is in the picture above is something I found at a Christmas craft fair and for some reason, I just needed to have it. I brought it home and laid it on the pillow next to mine on my bed. Every night from then on, I would stick my hand inside the beanie as I fell asleep and whisper goodnight to my baby. There were many nights that tears streamed down my face as I laid there and there were other nights when I fell asleep smiling, knowing that one day my sweet baby would be laying next to me.

July 4, 2018July 4, 2018

The Candle….

This is the hardest post I have done and to be honest, I wasn’t even sure I would be able to do it. But it is a huge part of my journey and I cannot leave it out. This picture was taken by my mom at St. Ignatius church in San Francisco on November 1, 2014. Her and my dad went there to light a candle for the unborn baby Twomey… Meanwhile, 3 petrie dishes were sitting in a fertility clinic in Foster City with my dream growing inside. Let me back up a few steps….

Once I decided to become a single mom, the next big decision was how I was going to do it… There were many different options available which I began to research: IVF (in vitro fertilization), IUI (Intrauterine insemination), adoption, being the 3 that I looked most closely at. I was not in a committed relationship, so I knew that if I intended to have the baby using IVF or IUI, I would also need a donor sperm. More research… It was about this time, that I reached out to a friend who I had been watching on Facebook for a year or so. She was posting a lot throughout her pregnancy and after her baby was born, and it was clear she was single. I decided to reach out to her and ask her if she was comfortable sharing her story with me. Not only did she say yes, she even met up with me for coffee and shared her whole journey. It turned out that she had done IUI and used a donor sperm. She connected me to a few great resources for donor sperm and answered a lot of my questions. Little did I know, you actually get to see a whole profile on the man, including health history, educational background, social interests, pictures, and even hear a voice interview. It really made it seem to me like I would be able to pick out the best match for me.

Being pregnant was something I always dreamed of and I really wanted to carry a baby inside of me if possible. I decided that I was going to follow the IUI path and use a donor sperm. I chose my sperm bank and spent quite some time making my choice. It was such a huge decision and it was very important to me that I took all the time I needed. At the same time, I was also making appointments with my gynecologist at Kaiser to find out what I needed to do medically and what was available through my medical provider. I learned quickly that there is little to no coverage for reproductive health and a lot of it is out of pocket. As a single woman, using donor sperm, I really didn’t qualify for much. My gynecologist referred me to the fertility specialist and I made my first appointment. A lot of information was shared…. including medicine, procedures, and costs. It would be primarily out of pocket, and the doctor said as long as I did IUI, it could be done at Kaiser. She told me they did not do IVF. It is at this point that I asked what the difference was. I knew nothing about any of this stuff and was learning as I went. The doctor explained it in a much more medically correct way–but ultimately, in IUI the sperm are directly inserted into the uterus, and in IVF the eggs are removed from the ovaries, fertilized in a lab, and then the embryo is placed in the uterus. IUI is much less demanding physically and also much less expensive. I decided to start with IUI. I was teaching Kindergarten at the time, and decided that I would begin in June, when we got out for summer (which was about a month away). I would need to give myself shots to stimulate my ovaries and also be available to go into the lab every few days to have an ultrasound. This would be much easier when I was off of school. I also quit my job and went back to teaching at the school closer to my parent’s home. If all went well, I would be pregnant by the end of summer, and needed to be closer to my parents so they could watch my sweet baby.

The school year ended, and I began the process. It involved shots twice a day, and frequent blood tests to test my levels. My ovaries were not cooperating and there were red flags right away. They upped the dosage of medicine and still did not see much happening. I had some testing done, and also found out that one of my fallopian tubes was blocked. I met with the specialist and she basically said that she did not think the IUI would be successful and that I should look into IVF. This procedure was not done at Kaiser, so I started my research again. I found an AMAZING doctor located within 5 miles from my home and set up a consultation right away. He looked over all the paperwork and test results that I had from Kaiser, and told me that he had a plan for me. He was a superhero in my eyes and I told him I would do anything he needed me to do. I had to have surgery to have the blocked tube closed and was put on a strict diet (no dairy or gluten). He also had me take a some additional supplements and I began acupuncture twice a week. All of this was out of pocket, and to be honest, I didn’t even blink an eye when they told me that costs. I just asked where to sign and was ready.

The doctor said I needed to be on the most aggressive plan due to the lack of results before. Even on this plan, my ovaries were very slow to produce and I had to go a bit longer than expected (which meant more shots, more medicine, and more time). I had to do shots every morning and every evening for almost 2 weeks and then go in every 2-3 days for an ultrasound to monitor my ovaries. When he finally felt it was time, I had to go in and have my eggs retrieved. I remember the procedure was at 7:00 AM the day after the Giants won the World Series. I joked with the nurses that I was going to name the baby Madison after the Giants pitcher! When I woke up from the procedure, the doctor told me it had done well and he retrieved 9 eggs. Only 7 were mature enough to fertilize. From those 7 only 3 were successfully fertilized. I then had to wait 3 days to find out how many would mature into an embryo to be transferred back into my uterus. It was the hardest wait…I went to bed every night with my hand on my belly. I was so hopeful and so was my family. And this brings us back to that picture…. My parents drove out to St. Ignatius Church (which was a special location because I had graduated from there 3 times) to light the candle. We were so hopeful.

Day 3 came and I did not hear from the doctor. I called and left a message and heard nothing back. And then my phone rang. It was 3:00 and I was just leaving school to drive to my acupuncture appointment. As soon as I heard the doctors voice, my heart sank. He informed me that none of my embryos grew and in fact had disintegrated in the petrie dish. He went on to say that there was an 80% chance that there were no good eggs in my body and that in his 20 years of doing this work, he had only seen one other case as strange as mine. I drove straight to my parents house and basically collapsed into their arms. I cried and cried and cried and had never felt so empty. I had given so much—mentally, physically, financially, and most of all emotionally, and it felt like everything came crashing down around me. It felt so unfair. All I ever wanted to be was a mom. I followed every direction given to me by the doctor and was so hopeful that my dream would come true. It was truly the saddest day of my life.

It took some time for me to really grieve and process all the information that was given to me. Although he did not say there was zero chance of me being able to have a baby with my own eggs, he said the only way to know would be to go through the process all over again. It is then, that I really had to sit down and do some soul searching. Did I want to put my body through that again? And if I did, what were the chances it would work the second time? The more I thought about it, the more I felt drawn to adoption. I believed deep down inside that there was an unborn baby somewhere out there who needed me to be his (or her) mommy.

It has taken me a long time to write out the details of this part of my journey. It was painful and hard to live through and to retell. However, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and it all led me to my sweet baby Riley. The moment I held that sweet boy in my arms, I knew I was put on the Earth to be his mommy. And I cannot even begin to explain how much joy it brings my heart when people tell me, “He looks like you”! WE WERE DESTINED to be together! That candle shines brightly at St. Ignatius Church–as my sweet boy lights up every day.

July 3, 2018July 3, 2018

Single Mom by Choice

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. I grew up in a very loving home with my parents and my twin brother. My parents got married when they were 22 and had my brother and I when they were 24. My dad worked and my mom stayed home to take care of us. Most of my childhood friends grew up in much the same way and that is how I formed my vision of what a family looked like. Boy meets girl. Boy marries girl. Boy and girl have children. Dad goes to work. Mom stays home to take care of the kids. I had it all planned out in my head….my daddy walking me down the aisle when I was 22 years old to marry the man of my dreams. I would have my first baby when I was 24 just like my mom–it was all set in my mind. Perfect plan…. Right?

At the age of 22, I had just graduated from USF and was working in the payroll/accounting department at the company my father worked at. I was dating here and there, but not in any committed relationship. I did realize I was behind the “timeline” in my head–however, none of my friends or social circle were married either, so it did not phase me much. I decided to go back to school to earn my teaching credential… the other thing I knew from a very young age, was that I wanted to be a teacher… Again, the vision in my head held me back from following that dream initially (I was worried my parents would be disappointed if I was not a business girl who made more money), but then one day I woke up and knew teaching was my passion. My parents were of course very supportive and told me they would be proud of me no matter what I wanted to do. They just wanted me to be happy. I only include this part of the story because it paints a more clear picture of this vision or belief that I had in my head, of how my life was supposed to play out.

I entered the credential program, and before I knew it I was 24–still single, not in any serious relationship. My parents already had my brother and I by now… but again, none of my friends were married yet–so I really wasn’t too concerned. In the meantime, I began my teaching career, and from the moment I stepped foot in the classroom, I knew it was my calling. I truly love each child that comes through my door like they are my own, and tell them I am their school mom. Every year I taught, it became more clear to me just how much I wanted to be a mom. When I was about 29 years old, my baby cousin was born and something inside of me shifted. Her and I shared a very special bond from the moment she was born and I felt a love I had never felt before. I took care of her every day for a whole summer and that is when I knew that I was ready to be a mom. However, I was still single, and still very worried that this did not match the “vision” in my head. It was also at this time that my friends started getting married and having kids of their own. I worried what people would think and say if I had a baby as a single woman. I decided to give myself a deadline. If I was not married by the time I was 35, I was going to have a baby on my own.

By the time I turned 35, I had completed the masters program, bought my first home, and started a skincare business to supplement my teaching salary. I felt very settled in my professional life and financially stable. But still there was something missing. Every time I saw someone walk by with a baby, a little piece of my heart broke… and as each of my friends called to tell me they were pregnant, I was genuinely so happy for them… and at the same time, a little more sad each time. I had no doubt in my mind that I was ready to be a mom and that I was ready to do it on my own. I was lucky enough to have the amazing support of my family the entire way. My newly retired parents wanted nothing more then to be grandparents and assured me I would never have to worry about paying for day care. My twin brother and I were living together, and he was also very supportive (we still live together now and he is an amazing uncle to my sweet boy). I realized that my path may not look the same as everyone else’s—and was not at all the wayI imagined it as a little girl, but that did not matter. It is love that makes a family, and that is what matters. I still remember the day that I said out loud for the first time, I am going to be a mom!