single mom - Worth my Wait

July 15, 2018July 15, 2018

The Homestudy

One of the biggest parts of the adoption process is the home study. When I began the process, the agency I was working with did not do the home study and gave me a few suggestions on places to contact. I chose Independent Adoption Center (IAC). Since it was an outside agency, the costs were not covered in the Phase I fees I had already paid to my adoption agency. Once I set them the initial payment, they sent me a packet full of paperwork to fill out. Since my twin brother was living in the house with me, he also had to complete a lot of paperwork. We both had to be live scanned, complete a physical that included an updated TB test, show proof of CPR certification, copies of birth certificates and social security cards, and get our driving records. Since I was the adoptive parent, I also had to send my most recent tax return, as well as most current pay stubs, and bank information. Once all of this was completed, I was contacted by a social worker for my first interview. We met halfway between our two houses at a local coffee shop. I had no idea what to expect and remember feeling so nervous driving over the Bay Bridge.

I arrived at the coffee shop and found the social worker sitting outside. She introduced herself and then it was mostly me talking for the next 2 hours. She asked me about everything: my childhood, my past and present dating life, my career, why I wanted to be a mom and why I chose adoption. I had to go into great detail about my fertility issues as well as my choice to be a single mom. There were points where I felt a little uncomfortable–sharing such personal things…. basically my life story with someone I had just met. She also asked me a lot of questions about my choice to adopt a child of any race or gender. I am 100% caucasian, and she questioned me a lot about raising a child of a different race…. If I am being 100% honest, she really made me feel like I was not capable of providing the best environment for a child of a different race. I had actually changed my profile for a while after meeting with her (to 50-100% white only), until I was finally able to share with my agency’s social worker my feelings. She assured me that I did not need to worry and made me feel much better. My heart felt so much happier when my preference went back to any race.

After the first interview, we scheduled the home visit. For this one, my brother needed to be present so that she could interview him separately. There was also a home study checklist of things that needed to be done in your home before your home study is approved. Some of these things included: working smoke alarms in every room, carbon monoxide monitor, fire extinguisher, first aid kits, locks on medicine/liquor cabinets, all medicine locked up at out of reach of children. I also had to fill out a report much like when you are selling your home, describing total square feet and all other house information. The visit was scheduled for 2 hours. She interviewed my brother first (and made me leave the room) and then interviewed me again, and completed the home inspection before she left. Before she left, she told me that I had passed the home study and that now she would do the write-up and send to the state to approve me to bring a child into my home. That process took about 2 months, and then I was officially clear to have a child living in my home. The home study was current for a year, and then had to be “updated”… Updated basically meant writing another check to the agency, being live scanned again, and a follow-up interview if my living situation had changed.

When it came time to do my update the second time, I contacted the IAC and sent in my payment. They scheduled a social worker to come out and meet with me on a Saturday morning. The Thursday morning before that interview, I was at the gym and looked up at the TV screen. Channel 7 news was showing a story with the headline “International Adoption Center goes bankrupt and closes doors”… I turned my music off and plugged my headphones into the machine to hear the report on the news. I watched as people cried through interviews saying they were already matched with a family, and now everything was lost (including their money). I received a voicemail later that morning from the woman who was supposed to interview me. She said she was an independent contractor with the IAC, and would therefore not be able to conduct the interview. I was unable to get my money back and now had an “expired” home study. Since I was not feeling super confident about being chosen any time soon, I did not rush to find an agency to complete my update. Now fast forward to May 9 when I received that call… I needed to figure out who would be able to do my update and quickly!

Not only had the IAC gone bankrupt, but many of the client files were missing. Again, I was so lucky to have only done my home study with them, as many other families were losing out on a whole lot more. Not only a lot of money, but many of them had pending adoptions that did not go through. I cannot even imagine the pain and anger they must have felt. Although my situation was different, if I could not get my original home study, that meant that I would have to start all over instead of just an update. This would inevitably have meant that I would not be done in time for the birth. I called the DOJ in Sacramento and was on the phone for hours trying to find out if my file was there. Once I determined it was there, then I needed to get it to the agency completing the update as soon as possible. I was lucky enough to work with an amazing family owned adoption agency who were willing to take on my case and get the update done as quickly as possible. I paid to have the file overnighted to them in Santa Cruz and they gave me the list of things to complete and send them in the next 3 days: updated TB tests and physical for both my brother and I, as well as updated livescans (this was our third time), a letter from my vet saying the cat was “child friendly”, another home inspection, and face to face interviews with both my brother and I… The next 3 days were a whirlwind. Again, my brother was such a trooper as were our doctors. They got us in as quickly as possible and we got everything done and sent in time. We even drove to Santa Cruz to do our interview on the weekend. My update was finished, sent to Sacramento, and approved before I left on the airplane to get my sweet baby.

July 13, 2018July 15, 2018

The Call

It was about 10:35 a.m. on Tuesday May 9, 2017… I was teaching a Math lesson to my first graders and felt my phone going off in my pocket. I looked quick and since I didn’t recognize the number, I assumed it was a telemarketer and didn’t answer. It went to voicemail and the message was over a minute long. Again, I figured it was one of those recorded marketing calls and remember thinking how annoying they were. I usually would not even take the time to listen to the message and just hit delete, but for some reason, that morning, I walked towards my desk and listened to the voicemail. It was a social worker from the adoption agency telling me that I had been selected by a birth mother and could I please call her back as soon as possible. I stood there frozen and my eyes filled up with tears. My back was to my students and I knew I had to hold it together until lunchtime (still 90 minutes away). All I wanted to do was run around the room screaming and call my family. It was the call I had been waiting for—for what seemed like my whole life really.

Let me back up….

I am not going to lie, there were many times I had started to feel like I was never going to get chosen…I had started the process in 2014 and here I was 3 years later and still waiting… In January of 2017, I created my first vision board, and it was covered in pictures and quotes about motherhood, adoption, babies, patience, and hope. I turned 38 in April and all I could think was another year had passed and I was still not a mom. My brother and I also moved into a new house. Ironically, it is across the street from the one we were renting for the previous 2 years. The owners had taken a liking to us and approached us about moving in. They bought a house in the country and wanted to “help us kids” out. They offered to lower our rent significantly and told us to come by and see if we liked the house. The funny part was, even though I liked the house we were renting and our landlords, I never felt like it was the home I would raise my child in. The house was filled with hardwood floors, and it may sound silly, but I always imagined living in a house with carpeted floors. I imagined crawling around with my baby on the carpet, and being able to lay down to read or play together. Again, it probably stemmed from my own childhood memories, but it was a part of my vision and I could not let it go.

The moment I walked into the living room of this house—I felt a calming, loving, homey, feeling come all over me. There is carpet all through the front of the house and the bedrooms. The couple had lived here for over 50 years and raised a family of their own in the house. We said yes right away and moved in right after my birthday. This was at the end of April 2017. Less than 2 weeks later (on the Wednesday before Mother’s Day), I got the call. It felt almost surreal. The voicemail said, “Hi Shannon, this is (social worker) from (the agency I used). I am calling with wonderful news. You have been selected by a birth mother and the baby is due on May 21. Please call me as soon as you can”. Yes, you heard that right.. May 21, and it was now May 9. My heart was racing. Could this really be happening? And in such a short amount of time? So many questions, so many unknowns, and also so much excitement.

One of my biggest questions and fears was the timing. I had to renew the home study (which basically meant paying a fee and being re-fingerprinted) every year. The agency that had done my original home study with had gone bankrupt before my updated home study was completed. I had not rushed to to find a new agency because I truly had no idea I would get the call. As soon as the lunch bell rang, I was on the phone with the social worker. She explained that she was the social worker of the birth mother and would be working with us. The couple lived out of state, so I would need to talk with them on the phone later that day and make my decision rather quickly, given the baby was due in a few weeks. She also emailed me their medical histories and profiles so that I could read that over as well. I asked her about the home study, and she told me that it would need to be done quickly, but that as long as my home study was updated by the time I was bringing the baby home to California, it was ok. She referred me to an agency that she had worked with before who was familiar with expedited home study updates. I called them right away and started the process. I read through all the information given to me about the birth parents… and to be honest, there was almost nothing that I would have read that would have stopped me from saying YES. I just wanted to make sure I had all the legality stuff figured out on my side.

I came home that afternoon, and the call was scheduled to talk with the birth mom at 4 PM my time (she lived in North Carolina). I had no idea what to expect. The social worker gave me some tips on things to ask and talk about, but really said that I just needed to be myself and begin to build a relationship. I took a deep breath and dialed the number at 4:00. She did not answer at first and I was going nuts… Had she already changed her mind? My phone rang a few minutes later and it was her and the birth father (on speaker phone). We chatted for about 20 minutes. I told her what an honor it was to be chosen by her and the birth father and told her a lot about my journey, my life, and my family. They told me a little more about them and said they could not be happier with their choice. She told me that when she read my profile, she could see how much love I had to give and what an amazing family I had to support me. We hung up the phone, and I immediately called the social worker back to tell her “it was a MATCH”! My heart was exploding!!! So it was official, after 3 long years, I was entering Phase II.

WOW! Was there a lot to do!

July 6, 2018July 10, 2018

Adoption Phase 1… preparing and waiting, and waiting, and wishing….

Once I made my decision and chose the agency I was going to work with, things started moving quickly. The entire process was broken down into 3 Phases (Phase 1, Phase 2, and Phase 3). Simply put, Phase 1 was everything before the match, Phase 2 started as soon as the match was made, and Phase 3 was all of the post adoption services.

Phase 1 was very overwhelming for me. I had no idea just how much had to be done in order to adopt a baby. I always envisioned that once I chose and agency and said I wanted to adopt a baby, they would connect me with a newborn who needed a mom. That could not have been farther from the truth. The very first thing I had to do was create a profile book. This was basically a 4 page (front to back–so really 8 pages) booklet all about me and why she should choose me to raise her unborn child. They called it a “sneak peak” into my life. HOLY ANXIETY!!!! I was terrified of not saying or showing the right things. I worked with a graphic designer who specialized in adoption profiles to help me with pictures and wording. That alone took me a couple of weeks to complete. After it was completed, I had to have 250 color copies sent to the agency to present to birth mothers. At the same time, I had to begin my home study. This was a very extensive process including 2 separate interviews, a home visit, fingerprinting, a physical exam, DMV records, background check, letters of recommendation, and a whole lot more paperwork. I am forever grateful to my twin brother who had to go through the whole process with me since he lived in the home and was over 18 years of age. He was such a trooper through the whole thing!

After these things were done, I was officially “waiting” to be chosen. I would receive an email on the 10th of every month, with a list of names of birth moms who saw my profile. Next to each name it said one of the following: not yet chosen, chosen but not matched, matched, decided to parent, fallen out of the system….. “Not yet chosen” means that the birth mother had not chosen an adoptive family yet. “Chosen but not yet matched” means that the birth mom has chosen a family, but they still need to decide if they “choose” her back (all adoptive families are presented with the profile of the birth parents and get to decide if they would like to move forward). “Matched” means that the birth mother and the adoptive family are moving forward together and on to Phase II. “Fallen out of the system” means that the birth mother was either taken out of the system for some reason, or has disappeared and “decided to parent” means the birth mother has chosen to parent her child and is no longer in the program.

This went on for 3 years… on the 10th of every month, I would wait to receive my email with the list of names of women who had not chosen me. It was very hard not to take it personal and wonder if there was something wrong with my profile. Did I include the right pictures? Was my dear birth mom note sincere enough? Is it because I am single? These questions haunted me every month for almost 3 years. I called the agency a few different times to ask if I should change things. I had seen that the average wait was between 12-24 months, and here I was going on year 3. After the first year, a friend of mine suggested that I start making a vision of what life would be like when I was chosen. She told me to begin to buy things for the baby and maybe even set up an area of the nursery. The knit beanie that is in the picture above is something I found at a Christmas craft fair and for some reason, I just needed to have it. I brought it home and laid it on the pillow next to mine on my bed. Every night from then on, I would stick my hand inside the beanie as I fell asleep and whisper goodnight to my baby. There were many nights that tears streamed down my face as I laid there and there were other nights when I fell asleep smiling, knowing that one day my sweet baby would be laying next to me.

July 4, 2018July 4, 2018

The Candle….

This is the hardest post I have done and to be honest, I wasn’t even sure I would be able to do it. But it is a huge part of my journey and I cannot leave it out. This picture was taken by my mom at St. Ignatius church in San Francisco on November 1, 2014. Her and my dad went there to light a candle for the unborn baby Twomey… Meanwhile, 3 petrie dishes were sitting in a fertility clinic in Foster City with my dream growing inside. Let me back up a few steps….

Once I decided to become a single mom, the next big decision was how I was going to do it… There were many different options available which I began to research: IVF (in vitro fertilization), IUI (Intrauterine insemination), adoption, being the 3 that I looked most closely at. I was not in a committed relationship, so I knew that if I intended to have the baby using IVF or IUI, I would also need a donor sperm. More research… It was about this time, that I reached out to a friend who I had been watching on Facebook for a year or so. She was posting a lot throughout her pregnancy and after her baby was born, and it was clear she was single. I decided to reach out to her and ask her if she was comfortable sharing her story with me. Not only did she say yes, she even met up with me for coffee and shared her whole journey. It turned out that she had done IUI and used a donor sperm. She connected me to a few great resources for donor sperm and answered a lot of my questions. Little did I know, you actually get to see a whole profile on the man, including health history, educational background, social interests, pictures, and even hear a voice interview. It really made it seem to me like I would be able to pick out the best match for me.

Being pregnant was something I always dreamed of and I really wanted to carry a baby inside of me if possible. I decided that I was going to follow the IUI path and use a donor sperm. I chose my sperm bank and spent quite some time making my choice. It was such a huge decision and it was very important to me that I took all the time I needed. At the same time, I was also making appointments with my gynecologist at Kaiser to find out what I needed to do medically and what was available through my medical provider. I learned quickly that there is little to no coverage for reproductive health and a lot of it is out of pocket. As a single woman, using donor sperm, I really didn’t qualify for much. My gynecologist referred me to the fertility specialist and I made my first appointment. A lot of information was shared…. including medicine, procedures, and costs. It would be primarily out of pocket, and the doctor said as long as I did IUI, it could be done at Kaiser. She told me they did not do IVF. It is at this point that I asked what the difference was. I knew nothing about any of this stuff and was learning as I went. The doctor explained it in a much more medically correct way–but ultimately, in IUI the sperm are directly inserted into the uterus, and in IVF the eggs are removed from the ovaries, fertilized in a lab, and then the embryo is placed in the uterus. IUI is much less demanding physically and also much less expensive. I decided to start with IUI. I was teaching Kindergarten at the time, and decided that I would begin in June, when we got out for summer (which was about a month away). I would need to give myself shots to stimulate my ovaries and also be available to go into the lab every few days to have an ultrasound. This would be much easier when I was off of school. I also quit my job and went back to teaching at the school closer to my parent’s home. If all went well, I would be pregnant by the end of summer, and needed to be closer to my parents so they could watch my sweet baby.

The school year ended, and I began the process. It involved shots twice a day, and frequent blood tests to test my levels. My ovaries were not cooperating and there were red flags right away. They upped the dosage of medicine and still did not see much happening. I had some testing done, and also found out that one of my fallopian tubes was blocked. I met with the specialist and she basically said that she did not think the IUI would be successful and that I should look into IVF. This procedure was not done at Kaiser, so I started my research again. I found an AMAZING doctor located within 5 miles from my home and set up a consultation right away. He looked over all the paperwork and test results that I had from Kaiser, and told me that he had a plan for me. He was a superhero in my eyes and I told him I would do anything he needed me to do. I had to have surgery to have the blocked tube closed and was put on a strict diet (no dairy or gluten). He also had me take a some additional supplements and I began acupuncture twice a week. All of this was out of pocket, and to be honest, I didn’t even blink an eye when they told me that costs. I just asked where to sign and was ready.

The doctor said I needed to be on the most aggressive plan due to the lack of results before. Even on this plan, my ovaries were very slow to produce and I had to go a bit longer than expected (which meant more shots, more medicine, and more time). I had to do shots every morning and every evening for almost 2 weeks and then go in every 2-3 days for an ultrasound to monitor my ovaries. When he finally felt it was time, I had to go in and have my eggs retrieved. I remember the procedure was at 7:00 AM the day after the Giants won the World Series. I joked with the nurses that I was going to name the baby Madison after the Giants pitcher! When I woke up from the procedure, the doctor told me it had done well and he retrieved 9 eggs. Only 7 were mature enough to fertilize. From those 7 only 3 were successfully fertilized. I then had to wait 3 days to find out how many would mature into an embryo to be transferred back into my uterus. It was the hardest wait…I went to bed every night with my hand on my belly. I was so hopeful and so was my family. And this brings us back to that picture…. My parents drove out to St. Ignatius Church (which was a special location because I had graduated from there 3 times) to light the candle. We were so hopeful.

Day 3 came and I did not hear from the doctor. I called and left a message and heard nothing back. And then my phone rang. It was 3:00 and I was just leaving school to drive to my acupuncture appointment. As soon as I heard the doctors voice, my heart sank. He informed me that none of my embryos grew and in fact had disintegrated in the petrie dish. He went on to say that there was an 80% chance that there were no good eggs in my body and that in his 20 years of doing this work, he had only seen one other case as strange as mine. I drove straight to my parents house and basically collapsed into their arms. I cried and cried and cried and had never felt so empty. I had given so much—mentally, physically, financially, and most of all emotionally, and it felt like everything came crashing down around me. It felt so unfair. All I ever wanted to be was a mom. I followed every direction given to me by the doctor and was so hopeful that my dream would come true. It was truly the saddest day of my life.

It took some time for me to really grieve and process all the information that was given to me. Although he did not say there was zero chance of me being able to have a baby with my own eggs, he said the only way to know would be to go through the process all over again. It is then, that I really had to sit down and do some soul searching. Did I want to put my body through that again? And if I did, what were the chances it would work the second time? The more I thought about it, the more I felt drawn to adoption. I believed deep down inside that there was an unborn baby somewhere out there who needed me to be his (or her) mommy.

It has taken me a long time to write out the details of this part of my journey. It was painful and hard to live through and to retell. However, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and it all led me to my sweet baby Riley. The moment I held that sweet boy in my arms, I knew I was put on the Earth to be his mommy. And I cannot even begin to explain how much joy it brings my heart when people tell me, “He looks like you”! WE WERE DESTINED to be together! That candle shines brightly at St. Ignatius Church–as my sweet boy lights up every day.

July 3, 2018July 3, 2018

Single Mom by Choice

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. I grew up in a very loving home with my parents and my twin brother. My parents got married when they were 22 and had my brother and I when they were 24. My dad worked and my mom stayed home to take care of us. Most of my childhood friends grew up in much the same way and that is how I formed my vision of what a family looked like. Boy meets girl. Boy marries girl. Boy and girl have children. Dad goes to work. Mom stays home to take care of the kids. I had it all planned out in my head….my daddy walking me down the aisle when I was 22 years old to marry the man of my dreams. I would have my first baby when I was 24 just like my mom–it was all set in my mind. Perfect plan…. Right?

At the age of 22, I had just graduated from USF and was working in the payroll/accounting department at the company my father worked at. I was dating here and there, but not in any committed relationship. I did realize I was behind the “timeline” in my head–however, none of my friends or social circle were married either, so it did not phase me much. I decided to go back to school to earn my teaching credential… the other thing I knew from a very young age, was that I wanted to be a teacher… Again, the vision in my head held me back from following that dream initially (I was worried my parents would be disappointed if I was not a business girl who made more money), but then one day I woke up and knew teaching was my passion. My parents were of course very supportive and told me they would be proud of me no matter what I wanted to do. They just wanted me to be happy. I only include this part of the story because it paints a more clear picture of this vision or belief that I had in my head, of how my life was supposed to play out.

I entered the credential program, and before I knew it I was 24–still single, not in any serious relationship. My parents already had my brother and I by now… but again, none of my friends were married yet–so I really wasn’t too concerned. In the meantime, I began my teaching career, and from the moment I stepped foot in the classroom, I knew it was my calling. I truly love each child that comes through my door like they are my own, and tell them I am their school mom. Every year I taught, it became more clear to me just how much I wanted to be a mom. When I was about 29 years old, my baby cousin was born and something inside of me shifted. Her and I shared a very special bond from the moment she was born and I felt a love I had never felt before. I took care of her every day for a whole summer and that is when I knew that I was ready to be a mom. However, I was still single, and still very worried that this did not match the “vision” in my head. It was also at this time that my friends started getting married and having kids of their own. I worried what people would think and say if I had a baby as a single woman. I decided to give myself a deadline. If I was not married by the time I was 35, I was going to have a baby on my own.

By the time I turned 35, I had completed the masters program, bought my first home, and started a skincare business to supplement my teaching salary. I felt very settled in my professional life and financially stable. But still there was something missing. Every time I saw someone walk by with a baby, a little piece of my heart broke… and as each of my friends called to tell me they were pregnant, I was genuinely so happy for them… and at the same time, a little more sad each time. I had no doubt in my mind that I was ready to be a mom and that I was ready to do it on my own. I was lucky enough to have the amazing support of my family the entire way. My newly retired parents wanted nothing more then to be grandparents and assured me I would never have to worry about paying for day care. My twin brother and I were living together, and he was also very supportive (we still live together now and he is an amazing uncle to my sweet boy). I realized that my path may not look the same as everyone else’s—and was not at all the wayI imagined it as a little girl, but that did not matter. It is love that makes a family, and that is what matters. I still remember the day that I said out loud for the first time, I am going to be a mom!

July 1, 2018July 1, 2018

Let’s start at the very beginning….

As I walked through the park with my sweet boy today, I was reflecting back on my emotional journey to motherhood and trying to figure out where to start with this blog…. I feel like I am so behind–and there is so much to say… As Julie Andrews sings in my favorite movie, the Sound of Music, “Let’s start at the very beginning…”

I started the adoption process 4 years ago, however, I have dreamed of being a mom since I was a little girl. I used to dress up my cat as a baby and push him around in a stroller. I remember very clearly the day my best friend’s little sister was born when we were in fourth grade. I was so excited to go to her house and remember always wanting a baby brother or sister (I do have a twin brother who is my best friend, but when I was little dreamed of a baby in the house). As I got older, my love for children only grew stronger. I was babysitting in the 8th grade, my first job was in a daycare, and I chose teaching as my profession. I took care of my two cousins (now 10 and 8) almost every summer since the day they were born. As my friends began to have children, I proudly took on the role of Auntie Shanny and I love each one of them like my own. Even in the classroom, I tell my students that I am their school mom, and truly mean it. I knew in my heart that one day I would be a mom too–and was just never sure when that day would come.

When I turned 35, I decided that I was ready to be a mom, even though I was still single. After a lot of reflection, I decided that I was going to go through the IVF process. The details of this story will be shared in another entry, but the IVF failed and I was given the devastating news that there is an 80% chance I cannot have children. The only way to find out, would have been to start the IVF process all over again and I had to really sit down and decide if I wanted to put my body and mind through that again. I remember feeling empty, lost, and confused. All I ever wanted was to be a mom and I felt like it would never happen. I took some time to grieve and reflect… Then I distinctly remember waking up one morning and feeling different. There was something inside of me that came alive… All this time, I had been so focused on trying to have a baby—and then I realized how many children I have loved as my own my whole life. It is then that I realized a child does not have to grow inside of me in order for me to be a mom. I knew at that moment there was a child out there who needed a mommy–and that adoption was my path.

And so my journey began. I had thought about adoption many times in the past, but really didn’t know much about it or where to begin. Did I want a closed adoption or an open adoption? Do I go the foster to adopt route or use a private agency? How long will I need to wait? If I decide to use a private agency, how do I choose which one? Does it matter that I am single? The list goes on and on…. I was so blessed to be surrounded by some incredible women who had adopted themselves and they guided me in the right direction. After much research I decided to go with an open adoption and use a private agency (I learned so much during this research and can’t wait to share in another post). I chose an agency and now I knew it was only a matter of time that my dream of holding my sweet baby would come true. It is hard to believe that was over 4 years ago. I can’t wait to share all I learned a long the way!

June 25, 2018June 30, 2018

1 year later….

I can hardly believe my sweet boy is already 1 year old…. My motherhood journey began almost 5 years ago–and finally led me to my little Riley on May 26, 2017. It has been an emotional journey for sure–and at times, I was not sure that my dream would ever come true… And now here I sit 5 years later while my son sleeps soundly in his crib.

To be honest, I have wanted to write a blog for many years… and I talked with a friend of mine a few years ago when I started this journey about starting a blog then. It has taken me until now to get it up and running. I want people to know that dreams do come true. If my story can touch even just one person, I will feel successful!