Worth my Wait - One single parent's adoption journey

January 1, 2019January 1, 2019

Starting 2019 with Gratitude and Thanks

Riley loves helping Papa in his garden.
Gaga and Momma kisses!
Ri Ri loves his GUNCLE Dan!
Christmas Day 2018
Riley’s First Birthday Party with Tom and Nanny
The day Papa Joe met Riley
Adoption Day!

Today is the last day of 2018…. I am not one to make New Year’s Resolutions or promises that I am unsure I can keep. I think about the things I did well, and the things that could have gone better. I set goals and create my vision board for the upcoming year. But I do like to think back on the year and reflect on things that made me happy, sad, proud, and most of all the things that I am thankful for. It has been an emotional year with many ups and some very big downs. My sweet boy turned 19 months old the day after Christmas…. 2018 brought so many firsts—his first words (papa and momma), his first birthday (where we were surrounded by our closest family & friends), his first steps–which almost immediately turned into a run, his first trip to the zoo, his first time trying many new foods, and even our first trip to the emergency room (which turned out to be a GIANT overreaction by momma)! These are only a few of the many new and exciting things that Riley discovered over the last year. It is truly magical to watch his little mind take everything in and soak it all up! I am continually in awe of how much he develops and learns every day. Another highlight in 2018 was in April when Riley and I went to court to have our official adoption day in California! Although everything was final in North Carolina, there was a lot of paperwork and legalities that needed to be done in California as well. On April 20, everything was official and Riley was a Twomey forever! My family and best friends were there to share this special day with us. I have spent the last year trying to slow down and enjoy each minute, each milestone, each day as my baby grows quickly into a sweet little boy. He continues to bring joy and happiness wherever we go and his smile lights up an entire room. That smile really brought my family light and hope this year when things got a little tough. My grandfather, who we lovingly called Papa Joe, got very sick this year and spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital. Even when he was at home, he needed a lot of extra care and my amazing parents were the ones who provided this care. They juggled watching my sweet Riley every day, while at the same time taking my grandfather to appointments, picking up his prescriptions or groceries, visiting each day to make sure he took his medicine, and numerous late night trips to the ER. This was a lot on them both emotionally and physically. I would often offer to take a few days off or tell them how guilty I felt they were spending all of their time taking care of other people–and they would always assure me that Riley was the light in their life and it was helpful to be around him. We lost Papa Joe in late July as well as our cousin Patrick the very same night. Just before Thanksgiving, we lost another very special person in our lives. My godfather, Tom, lost his battle with cancer, and again, we were heartbroken. Tom (and his wife Nanny) was a very important part of my life, and was truly like family. Some of my favorite childhood memories are at their house, running up and down the hallways with one of their sons, or playing with the pots and pans in Nanny’s kitchen, or eating ravioli’s with Nanny’s homemade tomato sauce. We were so very sad to lose Tom and I am so thankful that he was able to attend Riley’s first birthday. It is at times like this when life really doesn’t make a lot of sense and doesn’t seem fair. It becomes harder to focus on the good things and smile when your heart is broken and the tears are falling. It was in those moments that I looked down at Riley’s sweet little face–and his smile looking up at me was all I needed to refocus my energy. It reminded me to live in the present and not waste one single moment with the people you love doing what you love most. It reminded me to count my blessings each and every day and tell the people in my life how much they mean to me. My grandfather, my cousin, and my godfather, lived their lives to the fullest and family meant everything to them. And though our lives will never be the same without them–I know their spirit will live on in each one of us. 2018 was also a year for a lot of personal and professional growth for me. With my first year of motherhood under my belt (and a baby that finally slept through the night), I felt like I was able to come up for air. I refocused my attention on my skincare business and grew my team. I started my blog, and even wrote the first draft of my first children’s book (still working on next steps). In the last few months, I have begun more personal development around self care and self love. I began reading audiobooks (Michelle Obama’s new book, Becoming, is my favorite), began practicing meditation & journaling again, as well as daily affirmations. I am an anxious person by nature and have always struggled with feeling like I am enough. Becoming a mom added a whole new dimension to this. I was now responsible for the health, happiness, and well-being of another person. I am constantly asking myself if I am doing what is best for my little guy and worrying about getting everything just right. Am I a perfect mom? Absolutely not. But I love that little boy more than anything and wake up each morning trying to be better than I was the day before! I take it one day at a time, and sometimes even just one hour at at time. I’ve also had to adjust my life as a teacher. I can no longer be the first one to arrive and the last one to leave. I don’t have time to prep and lesson plan at home and on the weekends–I spend that time with my Riley. This was quite an adjustment and I spent a lot of 2018 questioning myself–am I doing enough for my students? Am I a perfect teacher? Absolutely not. But I truly love what I do and come in every day excited to learn and grow with my students. I learn from my colleagues and try to be better then I was the day before. Another HUGE adjustment for me as a mom, has been my fitness routine. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am an avid exerciser. Before becoming a mom, I was at the gym every morning at 5 before work, and outside running on the weekends. Even on vacation, I make sure to find a way to get in my workout. As I mentioned before, I get a lot of anxiety and exercise helps with that a lot. Over the past year, I had to adjust to a new way of life. My amazing mother (a common thread in my posts is my family who I am forever thankful for) sleeps over 2 nights a week and my brother is off on Fridays, so I get in my morning workout 3 days a week. My dad comes over every Sunday morning to hang with Riley so I can get in a run around the neighborhood. That gives me 4 solid workouts a week. And this may seem like a lot–but I was used to 6-7 days and it took some time to get used to. I mention it here because over the last few months, I have really began to look at exercise and fitness in a whole new way. It used to sometimes feel like a chore–something I took for granted…I did not consider it a true workout unless I was at the gym–sweating like crazy for 60 minutes. And now I love nothing more then to take a walk around the neighborhood with Riley when I get home from work… and appreciate that I can move my body and enjoy time with him at the same time. It may sound silly, but it has been a huge personal achievement for me…and I owe a lot of it to Riley. The common thread throughout my reflection of the last year, is my sweet boy. He has changed my life in ways I never imagined. The love I have for him is indescribable–he makes my heart whole. He teaches me to appreciate the little things in life. To live in the moment and not worry about what is going to happen next. So as I sit here on the last evening of 2018, I feel thankful…thankful for 2 jobs I love, my health, my friends, and most of all my sweet Riley and my amazing family. I feel excited to begin another year! I may not have all the answers, but I will go into 2019 with a positive mind and love in my heart!

December 10, 2018December 25, 2018

The Elephant

Life has been a little chaotic for the past few months and I have not written in awhile. I have a very special student this year in first grade who needs a lot of extra support and 23 other students who also need a lot of support in various ways–academics, social emotional, and some even just basic needs. Since I am at work all day, I spend every waking moment I can with my guy when I get home… and if I’m being honest, often crash at night before 8:30 p.m.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, my brother Dan did our Christmas photo shoot in the garage. Who needs JCPenney’s when your brother is a talented photographer! This will be the second Christmas for my sweet Riley and I. He is growing so fast and will be 19 months old at the end of the month. Time is flying by!!!! I didn’t think much of the fact that we had included the light up elephant in our photo until someone asked Dan at work about it. He had seen an elephant in a few pictures with Riley and asked what the significance of the elephant was. It was then that I realized just how symbolic the elephant had been throughout my journey to motherhood, and how much the symbol had evolved over the course of 5 years.

I have honestly always loved elephants–Dumbo, Horton, and even the elephants at the zoo–there was always something about them that struck a cord in my heart. When I began my journey to motherhood almost 5 years ago–I knew it would be a little more difficult as a single woman. At that time, I was living on a teacher’s salary, and was living in a 2 bedroom condo with my twin brother. I was obviously working full time and knew that childcare would be an added expense I may not be able to afford. I have always been a planner and make sure to have all my ducks in a row before I begin any venture. Becoming a mother was no different. I made a checklist of the things I needed to have in place before I could move forward. Here is a snapshot of that list:

Supplemental Income
Child care
Bigger house (my brother had made it clear that where we were living would be too small for 3 of us, and I could not afford to live on my own with a little one on the way)
Selling my condo (in order to look for a bigger house–which at that time we hoped to find a duplex, I needed to sell the condo I had purchased in 2008).
Finances to pay for sperm donor (which later turned into finances to pay for IVF, & then adoption–but on my initial list they were obviously not there)

This is just a snapshot of the things that I wrote down and then I began to check them off. It was right about this time, that my two life long friends introduced me to Rodan + Fields. At the time, I had no interest in selling skincare, but did know that I needed to have some form of supplemental income. 5 years later it was the best decision of my life and the reason I was able to afford the adoption process and stay home an extra 6 weeks with my sweet boy. I am lucky enough to have an incredible family who took care of item number 2! My retired parents told me that I would never have to worry about paying for any kind of childcare-they would be there for me every step of the way! I put my condo up on the market and it sold in 5 days for over the asking price. As I have mentioned before, we were unable to purchase a home of any kind in the crazy market, but we did find a 3 bedroom house in a quiet neighborhood to rent in (we are still on this street now). Beginning my skincare business and selling my condo took care of the financial part of the journey. So on paper I was ready! I had done all my homework, checked off all the boxes, and was ready!

Little did I know that unlike the other areas in my life–where studying, hard work, preparation, and determination led to success–fertility was a whole different journey. I found out quickly, that my rode to motherhood would not go as smoothly as I imagined it. The first road I went down was IUI–only to find out that I had a blocked fallopian tube and non responsive ovaries. It was at this time that my good friend, and fellow single momma, gifted me a ceramic elephant. She told me it was a symbol of fertility. WOW! WOW! WOW! No wonder I had felt a connection to this beautiful animal my entire life. All I had ever dreamed of was being a mom and my connection to the elephant made perfect sense! With IUI ruled out as an option—I began to research IVF. I found an amazing fertility doctor and acupuncturist who gave me so much hope! It was a long, emotional journey and that elephant sat right on my nightstand through the whole thing. I remember looking at it each night before I went to sleep and whispering a secret “please help me”…. Not only did the IVF attempt fail, I was also told that there was an 80% chance I would be unable to conceive on my own. My world felt like it was shattering around me. I felt like a failure and almost unfeminine. I felt angry and resentful. I came home that night after receiving the news, and put that ceramic elephant in a drawer–slamming it shut through tear filled eyes.

As you know, my journey did not end here. Although there was that 20% chance of being able to successfully conceive a child, I did a lot of self reflecting and decided I wanted to adopt. And after 3 emotional years, I finally received that call… I had been chosen! I have told that story in great detail in previous posts. I had only 2 weeks to prepare for the birth and did not know if the baby was a boy or a girl. When I explained to my first grade class why I would be leaving them a month early from the school year, one of the first questions was, “It is a boy or a girl?” I told them I did not know and that we would call the baby “Peanut Twomey”. It just came out of my mouth–and I am still unsure why or how. There were two amazing moms in my class who threw me a last minute baby shower and guess what the theme was? Elephants and peanuts filled my room–decorations, plates, napkins, cups–you name it, that elephant was back. And at the time, I didn’t think much of it. I created a “Baby Peanut” private Facebook group for my friends and family to follow our journey and the elephant symbol stuck. Riley’s coming home onesie said “Welcome home peanut” with a picture of an elephant and a peanut.

After arriving home, one of Riley’s first gifts was a stuffed elephant from my cousin Debbie. He loved it! A few weeks later, a dear friend came over with the Flappy the Elephant (Gund) that sings and moves to “Do your Ears Hang Low”. If he didn’t already love elephants, he sure did now! And I have given this gift to every new mother since! 18 months later, Riley still gets a huge smile on his face every time he sees it! And so it was, the elephant became a symbol of happiness and joy in our house.

When it came time to plan his first birthday… I of course went with elephants! My extremely talented friend painted him a HUGE Dumbo backdrop and I went with the Circus theme. Although my brother deemed it too cheesy and he wore it under his outfit at his party, I did go on Etsy and buy him a personalized elephant onesie for his big day! His smile lit up the park when he saw his Dumbo themed cake and backdrop. Every time he sees an elephant, he points and makes the sound my mom taught him that an elephant makes (I wish this had sound so you could hear–it’s priceless)! I went on a field trip with my class in October to the Oakland Zoo, and could not wait to visit the elephants! I even took video to come home and show Riley. As Halloween passed, and Christmas decorations began to fill the stores, it was an automatic when we passed the elephant at Target. Riley was beside himself and only after some careful negotiations did he allow us to put in on the porch. There was also no way it wasn’t going to be in our Christmas picture this year. But to be honest, I really didn’t think much about how this symbol had evolved over the past 5 years. It had gone from one of hope and faith, to one of suffering, loss, and devastation—and is now one of genuine love and happiness. As I have researched more about the symbolism of an elephant I found it is one of strength and good luck. When I look down at my sweet boy every night, I feel an overwhelming sense of strength and good fortune. And now when someone asks me what my favorite animal is… you can be sure I will answer an ELEPHANT!

October 11, 2018October 14, 2018

I Have a Dream

When I began the adoption process, one of the first things I had to do was complete a home study. I met with a social worker for an interview that lasted almost 2 hours. She asked me a lot of questions about my childhood, my adult life, my beliefs and parenting philosophies. It was a lot of information to give to someone who I had just met. I remember the day we sat down to meet so clearly–in particular one part of the interview that left me confused, anxious, and unsure of myself. She was asking me about the profile of the child that I wanted to adopt–gender, race, medical needs, etc…. My response was something like, “My dream is to be a mom… I don’t care if its a boy or a girl, and has green skin with purple polka dots”! Of course, this is not the answer that would go into the home study, but I made it very clear that I honestly had no preference on gender or race. My only concern (due to financial need) was the health of the baby. I wanted to make sure that I could provide any care that was needed–so that would need to be in my profile. After I gave my answer, the woman looked up at me and asked if I was sure I was open to a baby that was not the same race as me (caucasian). I told her I was 100% positive. She went on to question me about how I would provide life experiences for my child that exposed him/her to their culture and did I have people in my life of different races for my child to be around. She truly made me feel like I was inadequate to raise a child who was “different” than me. Little did she know—until I very clearly explained it to her—I am surrounded by people in my life of all different races, religions, and cultures. As a teacher, I have been so blessed to work with students and families from so many different backgrounds and stories. It is one of my favorite parts of teaching, and one of the main reasons I changed schools a few years ago. I really wanted to work with a more diverse community–and have learned so much the last 3 years. I truly honor and appreciate differences and strive to help my students love and appreciate not only each other, but their unique selves. Even after my long winded answer, I still had a sense that she felt I should check the white/caucasian box on my profile. I actually did revise my profile for a brief amount of time after that interview and changed my preferences to be at least 50% caucasian. She made me so nervous and unsure. I wanted to be sure that I provided the very best environment for my sweet baby and she made me doubt that I could do that.

A few months after I completed my home study, I was feeling frustrated that I was not being viewed my more birth mothers. I scheduled a call with my case worker at the adoption agency to talk about how things were going. We had been on the phone for a few minutes and then she brought up my profile and preferences. She told me that the reason my profile was not being given out to more birth mothers, was because my preferences were limited. I got a pit in my stomach right away. I was nervous to share about what the social worker had said to me during my home study and that I felt forced into setting these limiting preferences. I took a deep breath and told her the story. When I was finished (and after a few tears) she told me she was so glad she had asked me about it. She said that she was always very confused by the preferences I had checked because it was so contradictory to the rest of my profile and life story. It was such a wonderful day when I was able to confidently tell her to check “open to all”!!! My sweet baby Riley was born on May 26. His birth mother is caucasian and his birth father is African American. He is absolutely beautiful inside and out.

My home study experience has been on my mind a lot this week. Anytime we are out and Riley sees a child with a baby doll, he always wants to hold and cuddle it. I was so excited to take him to Target the other day and get him a baby doll of his own. I had quite the collection of Cabbage Patch kids growing up and nothing makes me happier then to take one off the shelf for my own child! I put him in the cart and off we went to the doll aisle. As I browsed the shelf I realized that almost every doll on the shelf had white skin. It struck me in that moment that I had never paid much attention to skin color of the dolls on the shelf before. When I was a kid, all my cabbage patch kids, barbies, or dolls of any kind had white skin just like me. When I really think about it, most of the picture books I remember reading in school also had children who had the same color skin as me. I flashed back to the conversation I had with that social worker. We are lucky enough to live in a diverse community and also have a very diverse circle of friends. Riley gets to interact with people from all different races, backgrounds, and family make-ups. I have never once worried that I am cheating him out of life experiences or exposure to his own culture. And then as I was standing in that aisle in Target, I began to look at the shelves with a new lens…as the mom of a bi-racial little boy. And my heart felt a little sad… I began to ask myself: Where are all the brown dolls, the black dolls, and the dolls that reflect the diverse world we live in? As I thought about it even more, where were the dolls who were born with abnormalities or missing limbs?

As I have mentioned many times, I teach my students to love the uniqueness that makes them who they are and to appreciate our differences. When I changed school districts 3 years ago and began teaching at the school I am at now—I began to view education and the world with a new lens. I have been able to walk in the shoes of children and families who face a much different reality then me. With the recent events in the world of politics, it’s been very eye opening and sometimes very disheartening to see how far we still have to go to be truly “open to all”. I am blessed to have some wonderful friends and colleagues in my life who are always researching, learning, and trying to make a difference. We empower our students to feel proud of themselves and respect and love each other. And I will raise my sweet boy to believe the very same things. My hope and my dream is that he will grow up in a world where he is judged by the content of his character and never by the color of his skin.

October 8, 2018

Enjoy every moment

It has been a few weeks since my last post. As I have mentioned before, I teach first grade and it has been a very busy start to the year. After my sweet boy goes to bed, I am doing my skincare business. Needless to say, this is the first moment I have had to come on and write a new post. My school district is on a modified year round calendar and today begins our 2 week Fall Break. Many people are traveling over the break and I got asked a lot about what my plans were. My answer was always the same… “I am waking up every morning with my sweet boy, and spending each day together”. We are not traveling anywhere and have no set plans. I am hoping to take him to the zoo, the aquarium, and maybe even get him his first hair cut. That may sound boring to some, but I truly could not be happier.

There were many times I sat and thought about what my weekends, breaks, and summers would like if I had a child, and even cried many times wishing it was my reality. Every time I knew I was going to be on a break of any kind, I would make sure to find out if my cousins were off too or if any of my friends needed help with their munchkins. I called it “Shannycamp” and looked forward to it every year. On May 26, 2017 my dream came true and sweet Riley chose me to be his momma! Being a mom has really taught me what it means to enjoy every moment. Time goes by so fast and 16 months flew by. I look back at pictures and relive all the love and joy we have shared already. I rush home everyday to spend every minute I can with my guy before bedtime, and love the weekends! On Friday nights when I lay Riley in his bed, I whisper… momma gets to wake up with you Saturday and Sunday! Last Friday night, I was so excited to tell him that we get to wake up together every day for two weeks!

I have always been a person who has trouble living in the moment and just being still. I am always thinking about what is going to happen next or what I should be doing. I go to a yoga class and can never understand how people can be so focused for 60-90 minutes! I have tried meditation multiple times, and struggle to make it 5 minutes…. Being a mom has definitely not added more minutes in the day for yoga or meditation–and has in fact added to the list of things to think about, worry about and plan ahead for. But what is has done, is taught me to live in the moment–and as cliché as it sounds, enjoy every moment. I find myself just sitting with Riley on the floor reading a book, or looking at the elephant video I made him at the zoo, and just feel so lucky. I may not be getting everything right, and would be lying if I said that every day was easy–we are in the midst of TODDLERVILLE and days can be challenging! But there is one thing I know for sure–this little boy chose me to be his momma and it does not matter where we are or what we are doing–every day together is my favorite day.

September 9, 2018

Learning as we grow….

I have been around children my whole life and as I have said many times, I could not wait to be a mom. I remember when my best friend’s little sister was born in 4th grade. I was SO jealous she had a baby at home, and loved going over to their house to play with her (her mom still blames me that she walked late because I carried her around everywhere she went)! Soon after that, my aunt had a baby boy, and I was so excited to go the hospital to meet him. She would let me come over to her house to “help” take care of him and I would literally follow her around the house from room to room. I began babysitting in the 8th grade and my first job was in the day care at my local gym. My best friend and I used to work on the weekends after crew practice in high school and I loved every minute. Nothing changed as I got older. No matter where I went, I always found myself drawn to where the little ones were–and even traveled with friends to take care of their children for family events. It is this love of children that led me to teaching, and the moment I stepped into the classroom, I knew I had found my calling. This year I began my 15th year, and continue to feel inspired by my students and my colleagues every day.

I always tell my students (and their families) that I am their school mom, and can honestly say I consider every child I have taught my own. Parents come to me all the time asking for advice on ways to best support their child at home–academically, emotionally, physically, and mentally. Nothing makes me happier than to be able to share what I know. I can be very critical of myself, and the one area of my life that I have always felt most confident in was when I am working with children.

I can honestly say that I never felt worried or scared about becoming a mom until the day I got the call that I had been chosen. The moment I hung up the phone that morning, I worried the birth parents would change their mind, and no longer think I was the best choice. Once I was positive I was their choice, I worried about the baby being born healthy and without complications. Once I knew he was a healthy baby boy, I worried about getting him back home (across the country) safe and sound. I thought that once I got home, these worries and fears would diminish…. and they did to a point.. however, nothing could have prepared me for the feeling of being a mom. I waited my whole life and love my little boy with my whole heart and soul. I am always worried I am making the right choice and want to do only the best for him. I mentioned in earlier posts that he had a tough first 6-7 months–he spent a lot of time crying and there were many times I actually sat down on the floor in tears myself feeling like I was failing him. My only job as his mom is to keep him safe and make him feel comforted and loved no matter what. It is a horrible feeling when you are trying thing after thing and nothing seems to help. People would tell me, “Don’t worry, you are doing everything right. He will grow out of it”…. I wanted so much to believe it–but there were days when it was very hard.

Riley is now 15 months old, sleeps through the night, and has definitely grown out of his tummy issues. He has no allergies and is a very healthy little boy. He is a genuinely happy little boy who cries very little… Of course there are those moments when he is not getting his way (totally normal) but overall he is almost always smiling, laughing, and having fun! So does the worrying stop? NO WAY! I worry every day I leave for work that he will be sad I am leaving. I worry every Tuesday when I have to stay late for a faculty meeting that he will be mad at me for being late. I worry every night I lay him down to sleep that he might wake up crying. I worry when I think about him going to school. Where will he go to school? Will he like it? Will his teachers be loving? Will the other kids be nice to him? Will he have learning issues? The worries don’t stop–but I do know that we will get through everything together–one step at a time, one day at a time, and sometimes one hour at a time.

I was not exactly sure what to title this post. I decided on “learning as WE grow” because no matter how prepared I thought I was to be a mom, I continue to learn new things every single day. I have also learned that I won’t get everything right the first time, but what I will do is love my sweet boy and do everything I can to give him the best life possible. He has taught me what unconditional love truly means and when he looks up at me, I honestly do feel like SUPERMOM.

September 3, 2018

Open Adoption

It’s Labor Day weekend and while my little angel sleeps, I was cleaning up. I came across one of the books about raising a child of open adoption that I purchased when I first began exploring adoption. I will be the first to admit that when I began thinking about adoption, the only experience or knowledge I had been with closed adoption. And if I am being totally honest-that is the way I thought I wanted it to be. I could not imagine having any kind of connection with the birth mother–it felt scary, weird and uncomfortable.

When I was researching options and the different agencies that I might work with, I was very focused on finding one that worked with single parents and made successful matches. The agency that I decided to work with was a referral from a friend of mine who was married–so I was skeptical at first. After looking at their philosophy and statistics, I really felt like they were open to all types of families. I also really liked that I was able to schedule a 1 hour telephone conversation with the owner of the company (who is also an attorney). The only thing that I was still very worried about was that this agency only did open adoptions. I went ahead and scheduled my phone call and decided that I needed to explore all my options.

I remember being so worried to get on the phone. I wasn’t sure how to even approach my question or hint at the fact that I was not so sure about open adoption. I figured I would let him do all the talking and I would just listen. Boy am I glad I did! I learned more in that 60 minute phone call then I could have ever imagined. He had been working with adoption cases for over 20 years and one of the first things he shared was how so many things have changed. He said he remembers the days that adoption was not spoken of–everything was a closed case… and many times even the adoptive child did not know until later on in life he/she was adopted. He explained that so much research had been done on how much better it is emotionally for the child and the birth parents when it is an open adoption. He explained that the agency really took the time to work with both the birth mother and the adoptive families to build a relationship. He said that it truly was a “magical” Disney like experience (his words not mine) in the hospital when the baby was born. He explained that the birth parents and the adoptive families would decide together what kind of communication they would maintain after the birth. It really varied from situation to situation. Some families sent pictures and letters a few times a year and there were some who actually became an extended family–and birth parent attended birthday parties or other activities. I hung up the phone that day and knew that I wanted to do an open adoption.

I would also like to say here that every person’s journey is different and every individual circumstance is unique. I am by no means am I saying that closed adoption is bad… I am only sharing my personal experience and what I learned. After my conversation with him, I bought a few books and continued to read more about open adoption (I actually continue to read about it all the time). The term “open adoption” does not have a clear-cut definition and can be different from family to family. I will explain what it meant in my situation.

As I explained in an earlier post, I created a profile (which I would be happy to share with anyone who would like to see) book for birth mothers. It was viewable on the agency’s website and I also made hard copies for the agency to give to potential birth mothers. The birth mother was able to learn all about the adoptive families and then make her choice. Once I was selected by the birth mother (and father in my situation), we were then able to meet. Since we were on opposite sides of the country and it was a rather last minute match, we only met over the phone. I remember feeling so nervous when I dialed the number and heard the other line pick up. She said hello and told me that the birth father was on speaker phone. They started by telling me how excited they were to have found me and they felt so lucky to have me adopt their unborn child. I shared my journey and they told me they felt happy to be able to give me this special gift. They also told me that it would be up to me to decide about the continued communication once the baby was born. They told me that once I left the hospital, I was “mom” and they were open to whatever I was comfortable with. They both had other children and one child together, so that meant there would be siblings. I told them it was important to me that we maintain communication and that if my child ever wanted to meet them or his siblings– he could (I am saying he, even though at this time I still did not know the gender). They said I did not need to make any decisions then and could see how I felt once we were home and our new life had begun together. This all felt very right and very comfortable.

Although we only had 2.5 weeks between making the match and Riley’s birth, I stayed in constant communication with his birth mother. I checked in on her to see how she was feeling and the birth father texted and called me all day when I was traveling across the country to get to them! When I walked through the door that evening–the birth father walked right up to me and gave me a big hug! I was already overcome with emotion as I saw my perfect little boy laying in that crib, and then to receive such a warm greeting. I knew that I had made the right decision. These two people were honestly so happy they chose me to be his mom. They were 100% ok with the baby coming with me into my own room, and even let me name him in the hospital. The birth mom was actually discharged before Riley, and they came in to say goodbye before they left.

When I arrived back home, I sent a thank you gift to the birth mom as well as some pictures that we took those first few weeks. As of now, I am the one who reaches out about once a month. I send a picture and a little update. She even texted me Happy Mother’s Day this year and it brought a huge smile to my face. It is so important to me that Riley be able to know his siblings if/when he wants to and I will do everything I can to maintain communication.

I am often questioned about maintaining communication and even judged at times. I hear things like “Isn’t that weird to talk to them?” “What will you tell Riley?” “Do you really still message them?” “I don’t think that’s a good idea”. Again, every situation is different and people have to make the choices that are best for their family. I still have lots and lots of learning to do and am constantly reading and reaching out to others for advice. I don’t have all the answers, but I do know one thing. I will do whatever it takes to raise a little boy who is of the healthiest mind, body, and spirit and most importantly feels loved unconditionally at all times.

August 31, 2018

What a Difference a Year Makes

This past summer was much different then last summer. Last year, my summer began on May 17. I got the call on May 9 that I had been chosen and Riley’s original due date was May 21. I met with my principal and we decided my last day of school would be Friday May 17. There was still almost a month left of school but I did not finish the year with my kids. I spent one week getting my house as ready as it could be and then rushed off to North Carolina that Friday morning for the birth of my sweet boy. It ended up being a much more frantic departure and travel then I had hoped for, but I made it there safely and had him in my arms by 7:30 that night. My dad flew in the next day, and the three of us spent the next week in a hotel in North Carolina waiting for the call that we could come home.

I spent the rest of the summer bonding with my baby and adjusting to my new life as a mom. Even when I type those words “life as a mom”, my heart fills with joy… “Mom life” is something I have dreamed about forever! And believe me when I say it was a dream come true. But I would be lying if I said it was an easy first year. Riley was a very intense newborn. He had some tummy/temperament issues and I spent a lot of time trying to find ways to soothe and comfort him. There were many, many, (many, many, many) sleepless nights–and some equally challenging days where I felt like nothing I did was helping. I will never forget our second night in the hotel when he was only 4 days old. He woke up screaming and my dad and I both jumped out of bed. I tried to feed him and he kept screaming. He had already been changed so I knew it wasn’t that. I walked around the room rocking and shushing, bouncing and humming, and finally got him back to sleep. We actually went back to the hospital the next morning to visit our favorite nurse and ask for advice. She suggested a tummy wrap that I could warm in the microwave and wrap around his little tummy. I downloaded Dr. Karp’s Happiest Baby on the Block calming white noise album to my phone, and we went to Walmart to get the same formula they used at the hospital and gas drops. These things worked a little, but nothing seemed to consistently work. I figured he was just getting adjusted to being out of the hospital and once we got home and into a routine, things would calm down.

Not much changed when we got home. He was not sleeping much and cried a lot. I ended up in tears many times myself and felt like I was failing my little guy. It seemed like his tummy may be the reason he was so upset–so I tried anything and everything suggested. I tried about 5 different formulas and finally decided to try a hypoallergenic one for babies with milk allergies and colic. It seemed to help a little so I stayed with it. I also took him to the doctor and the pediatrician looked at me and said, “That’s part of being an infant. It sounds like he could have reflux.” I am still convinced he gave me the prescription so I would stop emailing him. The medicine seemed to help a bit-but weren’t great. I spent hours and hours looking for ways to soothe him. I read Happiest Baby on the Block and did everything it said. I even purchased the special rocking crib that was supposed to help. He hated the car seat and the stroller, so those were no help either. We had two stability balls in the house and my brother would even stand in front of the fan on the stove in the kitchen. Needless to say, the first 8 months or so were rough. Don’t get me wrong–they were also filled with so much happiness and joy. I do not mean to make it sound like he cried all the time… He was just an intense baby and needed a lot of soothing. Nights were the hardest and like many new moms, I was exhausted. I remember people would tell me, “Don’t worry, it will get better at 4 months.” 4 months came and went and nothing changed… “Don’t worry–by 6 months, it will be better”… So I held on for 6 months…Not much change… It wasn’t until about 9-10 months that I can honestly say he was sleeping more peacefully and was not crying much at all. He was crawling all over the place and began to develop quite a little personality. By the time he turned 1 he started walking and has been on the move ever since!

Riley turned 15 months old last week, and is truly the happiest little boy! He has no allergies and no tummy issues at all. He loves to eat and is a great sleeper! He takes two solid naps a day and sleeps 11 hours a night! That little smile lights up the room and it fills my heart to see him so happy. I have always loved the belly laugh of a baby—but hearing the belly laugh of your own child is indescribable. I run for my classroom at lunchtime to see his little face on face time, and rush home as soon as I can each afternoon to scoop him up and dance around the room! The smiles, the giggles, the hugs, the kisses–and yes even those grumpy moments–this is what I waited for and it was truly worth the wait!!!!

August 25, 2018

Back to Work

It has been a few weeks since my last post. I was so flattered to have a few people message to ask where I have been. I am a first grade teacher and summer vacation came to an end. The school district I work for is on a modified year round calendar so our summer was only about 6 weeks. We got out in late June and I headed back the first week of August to prepare my classroom for a new bunch of bright-eyed munchkins. It has taken me the last 2 weeks to get back in the swing of working every day and getting into a routine. The day begins about 4AM and I don’t stop moving until about 8:00 PM (and if I am being honest, the last two weeks, I have had a hard time keeping my eyes open much past 8:30)!

I loved every minute of my summer vacation with my sweet boy! Although I love being a teacher, being a mom is definitely what I love more than anything in the world. I know being a stay at home mom is not for everyone, but I can honestly say that it would be my dream. One of the things that I worried most about when I decided to become a single mom was the financial part. It is so expensive even just to live in the Bay Area–and when you add a child to that–it is only that much more. I knew that I would need to find a way to supplement my teaching salary if I was going to raise a child on my own. It was at right about the same time that two of my life long friends presented me with an opportunity to start my own direct sales skin care business. I knew ABSOLUTELY nothing about skin care or direct sales but the one thing I did know was that I would do ANYTHING to provide the best life for my future baby (this was almost 5 years ago when I had not even started the process yet). I had no idea where it would take me, but decided to jump in and give it a shot. It ended up being the best decision I could have made personally, professionally, and most of all financially. My business is what helped me pay for a lot of the expenses on my journey (with both IVF and adoption). My business is also what allowed me to stay home with my guy for an additional six weeks when summer was last year. My school district does not provide paid maternity leave, and I was told by the insurance company that I also could not claim disability since I did not actually give birth. This meant that the only leave I could take was under FMLA (Family Leave Act) for bonding with an adopted child. I would only receive half-pay from the school district after using up my 10 sick days. So with my skin care business, I could afford to take 6 weeks. This allowed me to be home with him until he was about 5 months old (I have lots more to say about how differently adoptive parents are treated–but that is for another post). It was such a gift to be home with him and it was the first time in my teaching career that I did not want to go back to work.

Needless to say, I could not wait for summer to come and it was even harder to go back this year. I loved waking up every morning and looking over at the monitor knowing that I did not have to get up and go to work. I would listen for his little hum as he started to stir and then wait for him to sit up in his crib and wait quietly for me to come in. As soon as I opened the door, he would stick his hands on the edge of the crib and peek over with Sophie (his wub a nub pacifier) hanging out of his mouth. I can always see the big smile from behind his binky. I told him every morning how it was another momma and Ri Ri day and I didn’t have to go to work. He would look up at me, smile, and give me big hugs. There were many mornings, I got a little teary eyed as I held on tight for my morning squeezes. We spent the summer going to parks, going on play dates, playing outside, and really enjoying our time together. When people ask me if I went anywhere this summer or what I did… my answer is always the same… “I just spent the summer loving up my sweet baby boy”.

Today was the end of the second week of school. This is my 14th year teaching and I have always been the teacher who comes early, leaves late, works at night while watching tv and works all weekend (in the classroom a lot of the time). Once Riley came into my life… all of that changed. It has been a huge adjustment to not be able to spend the same amount of time planning and prepping that I did before. I felt like I was failing as a teacher for much of last year, and am so thankful to have an amazing first grade team and colleagues who helped me get through my first year as teacher and mom. This year just started but already feels better. I am working more efficiently so that when I leave work, all my time is focused on my sweet boy. I leave every day right at 3:05 so I can get in every minute with him I can before bedtime.

I also could not end this post without talking about how truly blessed I am to have the unending support and love of my family. My mom and dad take care of Riley every single day when I am at work. They call me every day on face time at lunch, so I can say hello, and if he is asleep when I leave in the morning, I even get a good morning face time before the bell rings. My brother gets home every day before me, and comes right in to help. He is off on Fridays and lets me get up every Friday morning and go to the gym. Riley and I could not be luckier and don’t let a day go by without telling them how much we love and appreciate them.

So as I sit here at the end of week 2, I am feeling a range of emotions… I am feeling thankful for two jobs that I love…. appreciative and thankful to my supportive friends and colleagues for all they do for me… I am exhausted from the last two weeks… and I am invigorated and excited that I get to wake up tomorrow morning and spend the whole day with my boy!!!!

August 11, 2018August 11, 2018

Forming a Bond

A very good family friend sent this quote to me the night my sweet Riley was born. I had tears running down my face and onto the forehead of my sweet boy who was laying on my bare chest when I read the message. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, and had always envisioned that my child would grow inside of me. When I decided to adopt, I had no doubt in my mind that I would love this child with all my heart and soul… But there was a small little part of me that was so worried it would be harder to bond with my baby if he or she did not come from my womb. I remember sitting on the airplane feeling over the moon excited to meet my new baby–and still just couldn’t help but feel a little nervous as well. Questions continued to flood my brain as I made the long drive–and by this time I knew that a sweet baby boy was laying in that nursery. What if he cried when I held him? Would he look at me and see how much I loved him? Would I feel like his mom? Would we share the same bond that birth mothers have with their newborns? These are only a few of the many questions I asked myself over and over until I arrived.

The moment I pulled into the parking lot, the feeling in my gut changed… I was on my way to meet my son! MY SON! I was running at this point to get inside. When I got off the elevator and began walking down the hallway–I whispered over and over “here I come my sweet boy–momma’s here”. I could see him from the end of the hallway-laying there swaddled in his blanket with the little newborn beanie on his head. The moment I walked into the room and laid eyes on him, I can honestly say—it was love at first sight. The birth father let me pick him up right away. As I held him in my arms the first time, I leaned down close to his face, kissed him on the forehead and whispered, “I love you my sweet boy. You are my dream come true”. He looked right up at me and in that moment, I knew we were meant to be together. The universe truly had conspired to help us find each other and there was an instant bond.

I was also so very lucky to have some incredible nurses working on the floor the weekend Riley was born. They were very aware of the circumstances, and went out of their way to make sure our bonding time started right away. They let me have my own room, and began the skin to skin contact within an hour of me arriving. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, he slept quietly on my chest–and I never felt happier. The only time I took him off my chest that night was to feed him or change him. They actually had to force me to lay him in his crib as I dosed off to be sure that everyone was safe. I did little to no sleeping that night, and just watched him sleep. We stayed in the hospital for 2 more nights and then moved to the hotel with my dad. Although living in a hotel with a newborn for a week was not the most ideal situation—it allowed for a lot of bonding time. Riley spent majority of his time being held by either my dad or I and slept right next to me every night. Looking back, it was such a special week and I feel so lucky to have had this time with him.

Since I am a teacher, and Riley was born at the end of May, it led right into my summer break. This left us another two months of bonding time. My school district does not offer paid maternity leave, and I found out the adoptive parents do not qualify for any disability since they did not actually give birth (I have lots more to say about that but will not here)… Under the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) I did qualify for up to 12 weeks to bond with my newborn child… however, as I mentioned before my district did not offer paid leave. I had to exhaust all of my sick time (10 days) and then received half-pay for whatever time I missed. This is a lot of the reason I started my skincare business 4 years ago. It allowed me to take 6 extra weeks with my sweet boy and receive half-pay at work. To be honest, I would have found a way no matter what. I knew this bonding time was so so important. I was able to spend every day at home with him until November 1 and cherished every minute. He was not the best sleeper (especially at night) so we spent a lot of time together. He spent a lot of the first 6 months crying and I continued to find ways to soothe and comfort him. The bond between us grew stronger and stronger every day.

I am sitting here on Friday night, after our second summer together, and have tears in my eyes. I love my sweet boy more than words can express and truly feel like I love him more each day. He is almost 15 months old and beginning to talk more and more. Every time he looks at me and says “Momma” my heart explodes. I am 100% positive that the universe conspired to bring us together.

This post started with a quote and I wanted to end with another quote from the children’s book The Giving Tree…. “and she loved a little boy very, very much, even more than she loved herself”.

August 2, 2018

IVF misconceptions

One of the primary reasons I started this blog was to share information and help people understand my personal journey to motherhood. As I went through this very emotional journey, I learned so much–and sometimes struggled with feeling alone or misunderstood. It is my hope that by sharing my story and anything I learned along the way, I can help others to understand and even feel supported in their journey.

My brother shared this article with me a few days ago and it obviously hit home for me. I wanted to share it here. I too had a lot of misconceptions about IVF until about 5 years ago when I was experiencing it myself. Since then, I have connected with so many other women (and couples), some in my own family, who face fertility issues and IVF is their only option to conceive. It is a very expensive journey and rarely covered by insurance. I learned a lot about the history of IVF and how it has evolved over the last 40 years.

IVF and Insurance 40 Years later